The Decline Papers - - Liberty, Dead People, Clowns & The Prince (585 hits)
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Submitted by Davok (View user info) at 2004-10-06 23:25:26 EDT
[Introduction: Give Me Liberty]
Hello and welcome good Christians (anyone else: BEGONE HEATHENS!) to an introduction to patriotism. I am Al Menconi, a local reverend and caring conservative. Okay, so I don't own a church, but I have a million dollars and I knew Martin Luther King, so if that doesn't give me the right to qualify myself as a reverend, nothing does. This series of papers, henceforth referred to as "The Decline Papers," will encompass everything about my brilliant philosophy, topics such as internet piracy, the Bush Administration and censorship will be touched upon heavily here in time. If you don't agree with anything you see here, you are probably a Democrat, and you deserve to have your name changed to Frenchie McTreason. Under my rule, you would be buried up to your neck and stoned to death! I dedicate this writing to you, you liberal scum. Maybe it's not too late, maybe I can still educate you Un-American heathens with prayers of patriotism and an American Dream. I only hope that in time, you will grow to appreciate this writing as my own kind will someday.
[I Eat Dead People]
This article is just for the kids, if you are a parent, please, just let your kid read this section. Hello little boy, or little girl, or little hermaphrodite. My name is Al, and I used to have a fluffy white bunny rabbit named Hal! Hal was the cutest little bunny rabbit, we went everywhere together Then one day he disappeared, you know what happened to sweet little Hal? YOUR MOMMY KILLED HIM! That's right, your mommy skinned him alive so SHE could have her fur coat, or her Davy Crockett hat! She's a MURDERER! Do you know what that makes you? An accomplice to a MURDERER! How would you like it if I went to YOUR grandfather's grave, dug him up, and wore his skin like a freaking pompadour hat!? Oh, that's not all though. Do you know that delicious tasting thick thing your mommy cooks for you is? Its called meat, do you know what meat is made of? HAL! When your mommy's not turning Hal into a push-up brassiere, she's eating him! ALIVE!....IN SPIRIT! Guess what? You've eaten Hal too. Where's my bunny rabbit? WHERE IS HE YOU LITTLE BASTARDS?! I'll tell you, he's floating in a sewer somewhere! Aminals are too innocent to be bred and painlessly killed at the apex of their lives! They should be grinded up in columbines harvesting my carrot burgers! They should be ran down in my SUV while I'm kickin' it to the newest Cheap Trick! You agree with me don't you? Of course you do, otherwise, YOU'RE A MURDERER! So if you want to do something about the murderings, the next time you see your mommy cooking, or wearing Hal, KILL HER AND EAT HER! THEN ASK HOW SHE LIKES IT!
[Send In The Clowns]
Five hundred million dollars sounds like a lot to you doesn't it? WELL IT'S NOT! I'll bet you weren't aware of my ties to the music industry dear reader. It's true, my father holds a very high ranking with a well known record label. At one time I was on a board of directors responsible for making pornographic Disney movies, but that never happened. The RIAA and I have a little saying, if you can put a price tag on a gift, or a demographic, DO IT! The thing with these darn kids is they don't realize how many people they hurt with their piracy. Remember rapper "Easy-E?" He was a successful entertainer, a fine young man, loved by all. Then people started pirating his music, you know what happened then? HE DIED OF AIDS! Coincidence? NO!
Another true story, remember international pop diva, "Selena Quintsomething-or-other." At the apex of her career, a band of executives RIPPED out her heart They took a bite out of forty percent of it, they then handed it to her lawyer and manager, who bit thirty percent of it, then it went on to a miscellaneous crowd of people, who chomped twenty nine percent out of it, they gave her back the remaining one percent to treasure and cherish.....what? That's not the bad part The bad part is, at the tender age of thirteen, young Selena fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck! The roller skate that caused the fall, was no doubt laid down by PIRATES!
Evil! EVIL! EEEVIILLL! KAAHHHHNNNNNN! How dare you not pay money for our repetitive, inane pop music! Here are some other shocking facts about piracy which can all be validated by the Federation Against Copyright Theft, I hope this article has either changed your mind, or kept you on the right path. That being said, check out the dope new bomb from Keith Murray, "Be A Gangsta and Buy Me Some Gold Teeth!" Featuring the summer's hottest hit, an ugly mug shot cover, and 12 songs fresh outta the kitchen, about money, "love" and keepin' it real, as well as thousands of racial insults, playfully inserted, cause remember, self-bigotry is dope!
$ Immigrants are FORCED to pull BILLIONS of pirated CDs from trucks everyday.
$ An estimated 156% of all money made from piracy, funds terrorism overseas.
$ The musical industry has lost 600 trillion dollars since the public release of Napster. Think of all the filt-er talent we could has signed with that money.
$ Artists blood, sweat, and tears are placed into every CD, which can only be wiped off with dollars and "bling!"
[The Prince Pt. I: All Quiet On The Western Front]
As you can tell from what you've heard of my philosophy so far, I think it's obvious that I am a political genius. It's no secret, that even with the aid of George W. Bush (one of the greatest minds of our time) society is getting worser and worser everyday. Gone are the benevolent days where a man could walk into his home and find his wife at his penis and Negroes at his leash. After much soul searching, I can see that god has declared me his absolute right hand. Everyday my friends tell me that if I ran for president, they would vote for me! It's time someone takes a stand for our principles. When I am elected president, I first plan to launch a two-front war on Mexico and Canada. Those darn wetbacks have taken our soil and jobs for the last time! How dare they take my janitor job and work for cheaper wages than I would have! As far as Canada goes, I think the people of America agree with me when I saw I'm darn sick and tired of those darn Mounties tempting us with their free health care and underage drinking! Who will they ask for help? France? HAHAHAHAHAHA! I also plan to build six giant noses and have then attached to shuttles and launched in the sky. The noses will then be coordinated to land on every continent but ours, so America can OFFICIALLY have its nose up the ass of the rest of the free and slaved world.
[The Prince Pt. II: R-E-C-Y-C-L-E Recycle!]
Also, once I am elected, I will pass the "Sons of Liberty Act" (which will eventually be changed to the "Children off Liberty Act" to compensate with the wishes of Tipper Gore) to conserve our planet's resources. In this act, The Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution will be ripped from their holds and used as a doormat for the first three years of my term, then they will be reduced, reused and recycled into trillion dollars bills! (They'll be no recession up in my grill ho!) Remember how great things were when we were an Isolationist power? They didn't call the time the "Roaring Thirties" for nothing! When I am elected your king, we will live our the future of the past, today! Did somebody say tax cuts?! I sure did. Although, if you have the mental capacity to read this, I doubt you will be eligible for them, as the recipients will make more in a month than you will in a year. I'll also give more jobs and put an end to terrorism. Okay, not really, but a politician without lies is like an altar boy without a penis!
For more information on my upcoming election, e-mail me at:
FthrLibZKi11aPrincess770789991112.at.yahoo.com k plz thanx :-)
That's all for now, thank you for your attention. Good night.
User Reviews
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-10-07 11:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR peener.
Oh yeah... it is Eazy-E... with a 'z'
Submitted by Amusingly_shaped_semen_stain (user info) at 2004-10-07 05:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-07 04:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-07 04:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just call me Frenchie McTreason, I guess.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-07 02:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
....
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-10-07 01:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not great, but some parts really made me laugh. Excelsior to you!
Submitted by great_angst (user info) at 2004-10-06 23:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Carrot burgers. Easy-E. Nose shuttles.
Totally fucked up.
+2