Things I have learned at my new job: (1460 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: RandomThoughts
Rating: 1.76 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell (BuckeyesTHEGAME) (View user info) at 2004-10-07 16:58:34 EDT
You may remember this post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/44679
That's basically me talking about how much my boss sucks. Yea, things haven't much better since then and because it's technically SPT, I decided to make a list detailing what I have learned in the three months I have been here.
1. I am an idiot who is always wrong. When I am right, it's because someone helped me. If I do 1,000 things a day, they are all wrong. I am a complete fuckup who should STFU, -2 die.
2. The sound of a fax machine squeal is the adult equivalent of the teacher squeaking the chalk on the chalkboard.
3. The searing pain behind my eyes lets me know I'm still alive.
4. Missing work due to sickness is inexcusable and will result in a twenty minute one-sided scream fest between my unholy shrew of a boss and me.
5. Sniffing, coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose, or taking medication will not be tolerated.
6. All TPS reports get cover sheets.
7. Failing to time stamp a piece of paper will result in the world being overrun by a massive hoard of llama-riding Ewoks and blame for their destruction of the human race will be placed squarely on my shoulders.
8. The sole purpose of a tie is to spill shit on it.
9. I apparently have the gift of invisibility... but only when important clients come to visit.
10. Milton may listen to his radio at a reasonable volume between the hours of nine and eleven.
11. When I'm doing something important, I will be interrupted no less than 396,147 times.
12. I am the only person in the building that poops (or takes longer than two minutes in the restroom).
13. Without coffee I will die.
14. When people lose paperwork, it is my fault because I am wrong (see #1).
15. The fact that I cannot read minds is annoying as hell because people actually have to tell me what they want.
16. One of my jobs is to provide entertainment. I am a dancing bear here for you.
17. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton and shall not be addressed by my given name. Newb or Newbie will work just fine, as will Steve, John, or Bob.
User Reviews
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"6. All TPS reports get cover sheets. "
+2
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-10-11 18:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's true.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-10-10 01:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:07:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to learn how to carry around a folder and look importantly busy...its an art. Navy has taught me well.
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I actually had a boss once who told me that all he ever did was walk fast and carry a clipboard and knowbody would ever bother him.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-10-10 01:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6. All TPS reports get cover sheets.
*******************************************
A Bill Lumbergh from Office Space moment.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-10-08 10:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
Submitted by Amusingly_shaped_semen_stain (user info) at 2004-10-08 04:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
13. Without coffee I will die.
Damn, you got that right (hunched over a cup of coffee, while pretending to be entering contract details)
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-07 23:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47270#854812
I went all encyclopedia brown for you and dug that up, REZPECT.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-10-07 19:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. I am an idiot who is always wrong. When I am right, it's because someone helped me. If I do 1,000 things a day, they are all wrong. I am a complete fuckup who should STFU, -2 die.
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Do you also have a boss who believes (this is straight from said boss' mouth), "Fear and anger are management tools when used properly."
Oh great, I am thrilled Darth Lord.
Submitted by bluegoddess (user info) at 2004-10-07 19:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The fact that I cannot read minds is annoying as hell because people actually have to tell me what they want."
- Oh yeah, I can relate to this one.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-07 19:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-10-07 18:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
keep.
writing.
Submitted by Big Ben at 2004-10-07 18:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just say Rothlis-something... even I can't spell my name.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-10-07 18:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outplayed by Rothlesberger.
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Outplayed by Roethlisberger.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-07 18:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Work sucks. I can say that now that I'm an important part of the work force. Cause if I'm not there to answer those phones, they'll have to get someone else to do it.
Submitted by Samer (user info) at 2004-10-07 18:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They'd be better if that bastard kicker would have made that shit. As soon as they said by making the kick he'd be tying some all time record I knew he was going to miss. The Browns look equally horrible. It's going to be a long season.
What happened to Carson Palmer? He seems to be regressing with each game. Outplayed by Rothlesberger.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always found the necktie invaluable when you're tying up the boss's daughter in preperation of violating her flower ruthlessly and without respect.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lmao...omgwtfbbq!!!!!!!11threehundredsixty-four
What's up Envenom? How are things?
Submitted by wes_rulz (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like the Office Space reference
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!!!111WTF??? Mike Nugent?????????
Submitted by icarus9mm (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
8. The sole purpose of a tie is to spill shit on it.
so true
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the thing, I'm expected to sit at my desk all day and enter trades for the brokers...
Walking around gets me in trouble.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47356
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea Spence, that and you're 16 and still in high school.
lucky focker
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to learn how to carry around a folder and look importantly busy...its an art. Navy has taught me well.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
See? That's why I don't work. The constant mind-numbing bullshit that gets thrown your way every friggin day of the year, until you want to blow your fucking brains out. Also, I'm incompetent.