Bring back UK Gladiators (1212 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.6 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <retroscendence.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-07 19:11:24 EDT
This article, written for Bournemouth University's student union magazine, was originally intended to outline how the changes in cannabis legislation will affect the students of the university, but as you will see, is more of an indication of how it has affected me in general. One very bored day on my work placement...
Dear Ulrika,
I am writing to suggest that a new series of Gladiators be created. Ever since it was axed I have become shy, introverted, antisocial and have even been starting to wear clothes made of cotton. All of my role models and wank fantasies have vanished into obscurity and the inspiration for my dress sense has dried up. Gone are the days of colourful but tasteful lycra outfits that tear so easily. All I have now is a woollen jumper with my name knitted badly across the front (Ripper!!).
Thanks Heavens for the Wolf Man, who still graces our screens with an occasional appearance on local bus adverts and spoof documentaries such as
C4's Brass Eye. Although I'm grateful for a sight of his hairy body, I do find it upsetting that such a true sporting hero has sunk to such lows. How humiliating for the poor man - from the greatest sporting hero this country
has ever known, to a laughing stock for posh students who think satire is clever and funny when in fact it is just serves to boost their intellectual
egos. The pricks don't laugh because it's funny, they laugh with glee that they feel they're clever enough to understand the so-called "irony". WOLF
IS NOT AN INSTRUMENT FOR INFLATING THE EGOS OF THE INTELLECTUALL MIDDLE CLASSES - HE'S A MAN, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HE'S A HUMAN BEING!!!
I feel that part of the reason for the shows demise was the fact that some of the gladiators had become engulfed in the celebrity life style, and their hedonistic ways led to a collapse in the team spirit of the 'gladiator unit'. In particular, Shadow, before his dismissal following drug allegations, had been sighted in Kidderminster's most popular nightclub, Mirage, drinking alcohol and flexing his muscles for the ladies. Weeks later when Gladiators had reached the pinnacle of its success, Shadow was seen in the same nightclub, shooting heroin and getting his cock out for the men. Hunter also got flushed with success and started dating C list celebrities who were technically way out of his E list reach (does he not know the rules!?). Thank goodness you chucked him Ulrika. And finally, Nightshade. As we all know, she thought she was popular enough to write a book about her incredible plastic surgery transformation from a handsome Swiss farm boy, to a hideous femaleish, half cast and very disturbing freak. Only 17 copies ever sold.
Thanks to the genuine and wholesome gladiators, the show limped on with
reasonable success, then the Americans got involved - International Gladiators - bollocks! This leads me to my proposal for an all-new gladiator experience - Ultimate Good v Evil Gladiators. All the 'good' gladiators (Wolf, Jet, Falcon - providing she either loses the mullet or wears a "Gladhand™" over her head, etc) will be competing against the 'evil' gladiators (see above + some others). The good gladiators will also have an addition to their number - a friend of mine who wishes to be known only as 'Mandrea'. I am not aware of any particularly relevant skills she may posses, but I think she could be pretty hard if she wanted to be, and it would be fucking hilarious to see her in tight pink lycra swinging from the roof of the Birmingham NIA. It has been mentioned that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Saracen, so to distinguish between the two of us, I shall have my face painted orange, and wear a long white robe with 'JESUS' emblazoned across the back in sequins. In the event of any evil gladiator getting to the final, I shall be called forth to dispatch him/her with one lethal blow with my fists of steel.
Please help me restore my life. I fully understand that you alone do not have the power to commission a new series but please please try. I can see no other way my soul can exist without a regular dose of Jet's toned gymnastic body and pert breasts, and the sight of Wolfs tender schlong wrapped delicately in tight blood restricting lycra. If none of this is possible, at least give me Jet's home address - I promise I wont stalk her, I just want to follow her everywhere she goes and cause a nuisance of myself.
Yours hopefully,
Anon.
N.B I hope you don't mind me printing this Mandrea, but the cannabis article was a bit of a non starter, and under pressure from Aimee (editor) this was all I had worth submitting.
User Reviews
Submitted by retroscendence (user info) at 2004-10-08 13:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No way - not Jet's ass - arrrrrrrrrr. Any idea where I can see what she looks like nowadays?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-08 13:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Have you seen what a fat, cellulite ass that 'Jet' has become?
Fucking disgraceful.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-08 12:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
des biscuits sablés...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-10-08 05:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yey for Bournemouth!
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-10-08 04:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw wolf on the tube the other day. He is actually quite a big & scary guy. Has a very deep and loud voice.
Submitted by icarus9mm (user info) at 2004-10-07 19:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not a bad first post.
well played.
Submitted by retroscendence (user info) at 2004-10-07 19:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry about the funny line breaks - I thought I'd checked before I posted but obviously not.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-07 19:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember Shadow. Scary.