Now I'm itchy! Sonamabitch. (826 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.5 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MisterCeltic (View user info) at 2004-10-08 11:32:28 EDT
Is there anything better than sitting down with a couple of buddies for an end of week drink? I now realize it really depends who these friends bring with them. Last night I met one of the least desirable tag-alongs in the history of boys night.
I slipped out of work early, it's good to get a jump on a night of debauchery, and blazed a trail to my friends new house. Obligatory tour, nice spot but there seems to be a shortage of guys in the house. Not much of a boys night without the boys, so far it's just a nice little date for two.
"Paul and Frank are comin' around 10, Bill should be here anytime and I'm not sure when Steve will be arriving, he's dealing with life."
Wow, that sounds like a fucking minefield. Steve is recently divorced from his cum-bucket of a wife, bound to be some fallout right? Seems like a good deal for Steve, but it's a fate worse than death for me. When he was married to her, he'd sit quietly in the corner and wallow in his misery, you don't feel much like talking when you're fairly certain your wife is out taking a mouth full at that very moment. Now that they're split I have to listen to all the trials and tribulations of their white-trash breakup, because I give a nut who ends up with the Jeff Foxworthy tapes, the Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates, or Nibbles the pet squirrel. So Steven is dealing with 'life', very well, he's doing it at home, hopefully it's all straightened away by the time he arrives for beers.
"Surry, M late, bin dellin' wit fekkin' li_e" Come again there Boomhauer?
"Fekkin' kids, from da skool" Obo-kabie Mushmouth
"Bin warshin' sheets an' clothes all day" Life, laundry, I'm not follow *pause* L-I-C-E!!!???
"Ya, da gerls cot it 'gain at der skool" L-I-C-E????
"Ya, dis is da secon' time dis skool yer day gots it"
This school year is but a month and a half old, and twice your spawn have been sent home with little critters in their hair? I have to be honest, I don't think the girls got lice from school, I think 'skool' got lice from you.
"Eyes tawkin' to da nayber, he says his gerls bin gittin' lice too"
Maybe your whole fucking street is infested, I've seen your children roaming the street plenty of times, it's you. You filthy fucking heathen, your home is like the Centre for Disease Control but without the Control!!!
This clowns kids, at any given time, have one of the following: pink eye, bronchitis, lice apparently, fleas (da kids dunt havem, it's from doutside anermals, not da kids fault. Nope just yours dirtbag!), ear infections, the clap, dysentry, bird flu or ebola. Not only do the diseases, parasites and viruses run rampant through his home but he feels the need to get out and see people while this is going on. On behalf of the rest of the populace I thank you, my life would be so much less exciting if I didn't have to worry about catching something while drinking at a buddy's place.
"I dunt haf em, I bin checkin fer eggs" You did a fine job with the girls. And your house.
"I wooda foundem" You can't find the mop, or the bleach, or the soap.
"Ya wanna chek?"
Please, getting closer to you is exactly my plan, maybe you'd let me lick your face to see if you taste clean? I'm certain that most of the lice that leapt at me landed in my mouth, I was in such awe of his lack of basic hygiene I couldn't close it. I politely reminded him I'd kick his ass if I caught any communicable disease from him.
"I dunt haf a cummicable, communable, cimmikbull...I dunt haf bugs" 'Course not Porky.
I stayed another 10 minutes, the first head scratch from Pig Pen and I was up out of my seat and on my way to the door.
"Wait, ya wan me ta leaf? I'll go home"
Yes, please do go home. Go home, nail the doors shut, tuck your kids into bed, see if you can find the Lumberjack Games on late night TV, have a Bud or 16 and then set your house ablaze. I'm going home to disinfect myself.
I didn't even bother undressing; me, my clothes, a bottle and a half of bleach and the hottest water my Whirlpool washer could provide spent the next hour in a scalding, searing, skin corroding dance of disinfection. If not for Steve I would have never known I could fit myself in the washing machine. I still don't think all the dirt is off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jabba_the_Shit (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Southern Americans suck jizz.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've spent the last 2 hours shaving my entire body, there is no hot water left in my apartment. I look like 'Powder' only pinkish from excessive scrubbing.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-10-08 13:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading (+0)
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-10-08 12:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope. Just never see anything with my name in the title (that I didn't write). So I thought this deserved a Lojo-esque "+2 for anything with my name in it."
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-08 12:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Itchy's back?
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-10-08 11:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, I'M itchy! Or, I was anyway.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-08 11:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Perfect Xmas present for the guy: a flea collar