Can You Dig It? (947 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.05 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-10-10 07:40:16 EDT
 |
This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
It should really come as no shock to the people who know me, but I am my own person. What I mean to say is, when I was younger, I went out of my way to be different from other people. I suppose I just wanted attention, but I started doing things just a little differently from other folks. I would be the rebel type and wear stripes with plaids, to give one shocking example. I would brown-bag a lunch of sardines and melba toast when all the other kids in fifth grade had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And, around seventh grade, I started to pick up little phrases here and there from various sources, which I would incorporate into my everyday speech patterns. I especially loved a lot of the beatnik phrases from movies and TV, and I really got into it.
As a matter of fact, I still talk like that today, albeit to a lesser extent. I use words and phrases like "Daddy-O", and "Cool cat!", and "Wowzers!", and "Can you dig it?" I don't go out of my way to be different now - it's just that some phrases have stuck with me for the last few years. I could be sitting around with my friends and I'll just suddenly say, "Man, I could really go for some Memphis-style barbecue right about now, you dig what I'm saying? Can you dig it?"
My friends have grown accustomed to me.
I still run into my share of folks who don't quite get where I'm coming from, you dig? Here's a perfect example of the things I have to deal with in my life: My next door neighbor threw a party for the Purdue - Notre Dame football game this past Saturday, and of course my family and I stopped over. The neighbor's 14-year old nephew was there, and he had totally gotten into the whole "faux-ghetto" style, from the baggy pants to the crooked hat with the tag still on, to the speech. His name was Rom (rhymes with "Tom") but his full name was Romaesh Chundra Uphadya and he was about as ghetto as Ghandi.
He finished off a bowl of Fritos single-handedly, then looked about for a refill before he asked his uncle, "Yo, my nizzle, donchu got no mo cone chips up in yo crib?" and I almost started crying. The fake slang was bad enough, but in my experience, going ghetto also does not typically include perfectly enunciating every syllable in a sentence. Seriously. Try saying that last line to yourself in an Indian accent.
Yo, my nizzle, donchu got no mo cone chips up in yo crib? Indeed.
Anyone who knows me also knows there is just no way I could just stay silent at a scene like that. So I abruptly forced myself into the conversation and asked Rom, "Excuse me, Rom, but why are you talking like a wannabe rapper? I mean, you're smart, you get straight A's, why would you purposely act dumber than you are? Are you embarrassed by your own intelligence?"
He replied curtly, "Yo gee you best step off wit dat noise!"
Me: "What? Are you serious, Daddy-O? What does that even mean? Step off? Do you mean you want me to leave you alone?"
Rom: "Why you front-in?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't speak jive. You'll have to be more clear. What is 'front-in'?"
My wife: "Jesus Christ, Honey, leave the boy alone."
Me: "What? I'm just trying to understand the youth of today, can you dig it?"
Rom: "Dig? Who are you, fucking Maynard G. Krebs?"
Me: "Whoa, hold on there Jay-Z. How do you even know who Maynard G. Krebs is?"
Rom: "My father watches reruns of Dobie Gillis on Nick at Nite."
Me: "HA! I knew you couldn't keep up that act, man! Why don't you just speak like that? There's nothing wrong with the way you talk normally."
Rom (flustered): "Yo yo homie gee bling bling fo shizzle ma nizzle!"
Me: "What the fuck! That doesn't even make any sense! You're just stringing nonsense words together now. You dig what I'm saying? Can you dig it?"
At that point Rom lost his mind and threw a bowl of Nutter Butters across the room while shrieking like a madman.
Rom: "RAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!! IMA BUST A CAP IN YO ASS NIGGA!!"
The party came to a screeching halt and everyone just stood and stared at Rom. Then Rom hurtled out the door into the cool October air, with his Dad chasing after him, screaming on and on about manners and propriety.
My wife: "Why do you have to start shit with everyone?"
Rom came back with his father after about 15 minutes like nothing ever happened. He just went right back to the now refilled Fritos bowl and dug in.
I left him alone.
- VS -
Entry 2
what did one fish say to the other fish?blub blub blub
Entry 1:
Alijan
apollo88
Awko
big_n_veiny
Bigmike
Blitzen
cexshun
CoachMagirk27
comicbookguy
corn_nugget
Degreeless_Capibara
Dirtbird
domenad
drfeggphd
Durae
EvrenWasHere
FilthyAssistant
gamma
Genko
girlreporter
hummer_please
humor_me
hyprspacd
indoninja
jack11058
jimbo
JonnyX
lojope
loki
Method
Millie_Grace
munkeypants
Natalia_Everitt
NerfHerder
ohlookasquirrel
omnifica
ParlorTrick
Phallic_Cymbals
polyamorousaj
professorfuckface
redraven
runninginplace
salmonofdoubt
Scott_James
seanfogy
sebcharrot
Seralena
shandythedog
sparkle_pink
SpikeGoddess
Stabkill
The_Walrus
tlozoot
Wiggles
WiKi
xenon
youarsoghey
zombieZero
46 eligible votes (58 total) *
Entry 2:
AwesomeJohnson
Coyote
darko
Disektor
hcp28
Impassive-Digressive
Jack_McCallum
Julia
LadyPlural
Perplexd
Philst82
shitfuck
stevie_says
The_Wizard
tinactin
tuesdaydelay
16 eligible votes (16 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-10-13 15:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-10-13 14:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, Author 1, but there were bunny pancakes. Bunny pancakes!
I fear I may be under alien control.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-10-13 12:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-10-13 12:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by big_n_veiny (user info) at 2004-10-13 03:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-13 01:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-10-13 01:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-10-12 17:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was such a pile of shit that I'm gonna go with the fish joke and vote #2.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-12 13:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LaForge finds himself the victim of a terrible transporter accident, and displaced through time into a strange land where he is a slave named Kunta "Toby" Kinte.
"What be yore name, boy?" demands Massa.
"Aks me sho nuff do ah bep yo dis, massa."
"Okey-dokey boy, ah'm askin' whut be mah name!" agrees Massa menacingly.
"Git back jack; chill zone fo kickin ooga, signifyin mofo."
LaForge/Toby can't believe these unknown words are coming out of his mouth. He's trying to say, "I do not know your name!" but the automatic babble translator seems to be nonfunctional. The aim of fiction is pancakes.
"Oogala bu--Shaka Zulu!" he shouts, quite flustered. Soon he is tied to the whippin' post, and flayed alive.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-10-12 13:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-10-12 10:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1's ending was sub-par.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-12 09:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-10-11 22:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-10-11 20:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bunny never fails to make me hungry. Though i never know for sure if i wan't pancakes or rabbit:-/
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-11 19:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-10-11 19:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by the guy who posted the bunny at 2004-10-11 17:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was not a forfeit. If it were a forfeit then there would be a little sad face instead of a bad joke and a bunny.
Did I think this was going to win? Not at all. This was my entry, I couldn't think of anything to write and I dont think I could give any less of a shit than I do now.
On a side note, it must have not been too terrible either, because it has 12 votes and I even voted for the other entry.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-11 17:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't believe that excellent writers lost out by a few votes in Round One so that some slacker can put a picture of a cute bunny in Round Two. That must BURN! BURN WITH THE HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-10-11 15:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-11 11:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-10-11 10:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-11 08:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't speak jive.
++++
This line guaranteed a win for entry 1, even before I read the stupid waste of time whorefeit that is entry 2. I've said it before, I've said it again: UM round 2 forfeits should be punishable by death.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-10-11 06:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-11 06:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ on a Bicycle....
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-10 22:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-10-10 20:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A bunny!!! If you'd come up with anything to go with it, that would have had my vote. Even just writing the title.
Leaving the ghetto kid alone! You're supposed to torture them into good grammar.
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-10-10 18:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number two started good then fell flat. Fucking bunnies with fucking pancakes attached to their fucking heads. WOO!
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-10-10 18:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-10-10 18:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Rom came back with his father after about 15 minutes like nothing ever happened."
Now what does this remind me of?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-10 17:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That fucking bunny gets me every goddamn time, you fuck.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The second entry had me laughing out loud. I had to go with the
first though.
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sorry... must vote for... cuteness...
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47782
Woo! More rape!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-10 14:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dune coon
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-10-10 14:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-10-10 14:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't even read the first one, but i'll give them credit.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-10-10 14:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-10-10 14:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.....
Submitted by Alijan (user info) at 2004-10-10 14:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-10-10 13:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
although i enjoyed entry two and it did make me laugh, i appreciate the work and thought that went into entry one.
good show, old chap
Submitted by zombieZero (user info) at 2004-10-10 13:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the rabbit but I have to give it to the one who at least tried
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-10 13:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Both were shit.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-10 12:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2004-10-10 12:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by aaron <aaronlaws123.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-10 12:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe i like the pancake bunny :P
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-10 12:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-10-10 12:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
?
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-10-10 12:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahahaha best picture ever!
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-10-10 11:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hummer_please (user info) at 2004-10-10 11:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
erm
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-10 11:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-10-10 11:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry one disturbed me, so my vote goes to it
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-10 11:14:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was gold. Next to Entry 2, pure platinum.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-10 10:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit......
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-10 10:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-10 10:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-10-10 10:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 was tempting but ghetto slang always makes me laugh even if it's not well written.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-10-10 09:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hehe
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-10-10 09:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Because the first one sucked
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-10 09:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it was close...
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-10-10 08:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-10-10 08:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would have voted for 2 but I fucking hate that picture more than I hate posts about faux-gangstas.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-10-10 08:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-10-10 08:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-10-10 07:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-10 07:46:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a fairly shitty title if you're planning on writing anything that isn't an episode of Bob the Builder.
very shitty title
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-10 07:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a fairly shitty title if you're planning on writing anything that isn't an episode of Bob the Builder.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-10-10 07:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologise to author one for ignoring your obvious effort, but entry two had me giggling like a drugged up idiot for a solid few minutes. Entry one may have been better, but I liked entry two more, regardless.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-10-10 07:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-10 07:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 because I hate that rabbit or whatever it is in the 2nd one. Then again, it isn't like I have submitted MY entry yet.