Reverend_Horton_Chief's Confessional of Shame: Sermon on the Tammy (659 hits)
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Submitted by Reverend_Chief_Rugger (View user info) at 2004-10-10 15:25:34 EDT
This post is a reply to Jimbo about this post http://www.ubersite.com/m/39504 , because I couldn't fit in all the havoc in one simple reply.
This all happened one day while I was working at Key Bank during the summer. I was reading a jungle juice story that Jimbo posted, it was so funny in fact I forwarded it to the gal in the cube next to me. She laughed so hard that our boss came over to see what was up; I'm guessing he was expecting me to be pantless and drunk again. Tammy waved him off and proceeded to bombard me with questions about college parties and most importantly, about how to make the mighty Jungle Juice.
It turns out that Tammy's kids were heading to their grandma's for the weekend, so she and her husband decided to throw a party, but Tammy didn't want to have just any party: no, she wanted a drunken college party with all the liquor trimmings. Upon seeing her enthusiasm, the part of my brain that does nothing but produce evil thoughts kicked into overdrive: She'd get her Tom story worthy party, but I'd choose which story.
SO we made a deal, she would pay for all the alcohol and munchies, I'd get some of the 20-something crowd (Tammy is in her mid 30's, not too old, not too young.), pick up the extra ingredients for the juice, and perform as brew-meister.
Among the ingredients that I managed to squabble for this event were No-Doz pills, Taurine pills, Metabolite (taken from the drawer of one of my health nut aunts), and the capper: half a case of Bawls Energy Drinks (AfriKola was a no-go, so I got the next best thing). If you can't tell, my plan was to recreate Jimbo's English Adventure here in the Ritzy neighborhoods of Cleveland, and I have to say that I pretty much outdid even Tom himself.
7:30pm. Saturday night: I arrive at Tammy's place and promptly begin mixing in the ingredients. I had already pre-ground all the pills together to avoid tipping off the hostess to the extra ingredients. Within five minutes of my entrance into the dwelling a vile, yet surprisingly tasty, brew was created and began its chilling process. Tammy had bought enough alcohol to fill up two large sized sports coolers (the big cylinder things that have a tap at the bottom, usually seen dispensing water at football games); unfortunately I had only brought enough to suitably spike one container with concentrated adrenalin. I ended up putting only a quarter of the stuff in the reserve tank, I really wanted to see how people were going to react to this stuff.
8:00pm. I began alternating between anticipation fits and having second thoughts. I'm no math wiz, I just grabbed what I thought would be an alright amount of pills and crushed them up. I had no idea if this stuff could actually do some hurt to the older party guests, and I began to see the flaw in experimenting on your co-workers. Man I wish I had Munkeypants here to soothe me and tell me it'd be alright.
8:47pm. First guest arrives. As with all first guests that show up, he helped set up. There was a small trickle of maybe five people as the hour wore on, but not much else happened until....
10:00pm. The unwashed masses arrive. We were quite readily prepared for the onslaught of college goers and middle-aged management types. Surprisingly everybody seemed to mesh well in the surroundings. We were having this in Tammy's backyard: not a bad set-up either, an actual DJ (not a top 40 guy, this guy did some kickass house techno), and the ever present in-round pool.
11:00pm, The First Twitches. More people showed up and promptly began drinking themselves silly. We had people working the cooler, but even they were beginning to have problems with the inflow of new people. Originally I had told about 15 of my Cleveland buds to grab a few folks to bring along, I was expecting maybe 50-60 people in all to show up. By the time the bell tolled 11, we had well over 100. Now you'd think that with all those folks there that the juice would disappear quicker than a chess club geek in a gay bar, but a combo of tiny cups and a long-ass line managed to keep the main batch in business for quite awhile. As alluded to earlier, people began to become effected by the brew. At first it was only a few in the crowd, mainly people going back in line to get seconds, but soon....
12:00am, Armageddon and the Funky Chicken Techno Remix. Things were starting to show signs of insanity, everyone was twitching; it was like a small army of crack heads. The first batch was almost gone, and the second one was ready to go at the first sign of tap-age. I took a break from the dance floor to go and relieve Tammy at the cooler, but when I got there no-one was working the tap. Surprisingly everyone there was rockin the honor system. Then it happened, Dj McQuak spun the record of evil, the one song that I'm convinced was played while Rome burned to the ground: The Funky Chicken, Techno Remix. The bastard child of both polka and techno spoke it's evil siren's song, enchanting the drunken and energized crowd into a berserking mob who's sole purpose is to dance (even more) like retarded llamas and to destroy everything in it's path. It started out innocently enough: people started to do the chicken dance, then the polish people got offended and started acting pissy, the Italians (myself included) started getting upset at the Pollack's for ruining the fun, and the Irish were too busy at the cooler to give a flying fuck. Ooh the tension!
It was at this point that I saw Tammy, topless soaking wet, threw herself at the DJ platform and tried to climb ontop of the counsel. DJ McQuack, fearing for the safety of his equipment, promptly shoved her off with a "Crazy Bitch". Now I'm a genius with a capital J when it comes to psychology, but I believe that's what set off....
1:00am, Titties, Cops, and the Great Riot of Chagrin Falls. AT this point, Tammy started attacking the DJ booth, not the DJ himself, but the actual platform. Soon enough the Polish were helping her, and they eventually toppled the damned thing into the pool. That's when all hell broke loose and the Italians started fighting. Pretty soon the Irish were in on it as well, but not before it started to spill out into the streets. Pretty soon the cops showed up, a few cars at first, then more, soon half the department and a fire hose was called in, because this was no normal party fight: the neighbors started joining in.
Long story short, fire hoses were used, arrests were made, and the crowd dispersed. I managed to get away and somehow made it back to my place. I was exhausted and slept until 4 in the afternoon.
When Monday rolled around, Tammy was no-where to be found. Tuesday came and Tammy was back, turns out she spent Sunday and Monday morning in jail until her husband could sober up enough to call her mother to come and spring her. She thanked me for the party, and has now put a voodoo death curse on Jimbo. Don't worry though, with my Holy Status now legit, I'll cancel it for ya: for $50.
User Reviews
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-13 05:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-10-23 08:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the first time I have directly influenced a riot. I feel so proud.
This story kicks ass.
A tip: Next time, post a picture, brother. Even if it's fake, it would really put this one over the top.
You rule, and I rule!!
Submitted by buttmonkey (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-10 16:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantabulastic!
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because it has my name in it even if it's not complimentary. :P
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so did you fuck her?
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I goofed the title. it'should be Reverend_Chief_Rugger's confessional of shame. I get nit-picky sometimes, k?