Nihilism (fiction, need feedback) (796 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.71 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gain (View user info) at 2004-10-10 18:58:36 EDT
Authors note: The story might appear quite random, and it is. This is a selection out of a number of chapters that I have been writing, the goal being to eventually make a novel.
Mike and I carefully opened the door. We could hear quick murmuring in the next room over.
We crept over to the door leading to what I guessed was the living room, also where the murmurs were coming from. We stopped and listened to the conversation for a second. It became obvious that he was on the phone.
"Hello? Officer Schank? Finally. I've been trying to get a hold of you for awhile now."
Pause.
"No, it is important. You've been looking for information on the problems at the schools, right?"
Pause.
I looked over to Mike in shock. That was us he was talking about. Joel was part of us. He was the second guy that I had brought in, right after Mike. I trusted him like nobody else. I had killed beside him. And now he was about to ruin everything that we had so painstakingly put together.
I motioned Mike, and we opened the backpack, and began assembling.
"Yes, the guys that you've been calling 'The Silent Minority.' I have names, I have records, I have everything. I'm a member. All I want is to be able to get out."
It was now or never. I quickly stood up, walked over, and kicked the door down. Sawdust came up and I couldn't breathe for a second.
Almost all of the lights in the room were off. Joel was standing next to his window, half dressed in dirty clothing. He looked like he hadn't slept in three days. He was holding the phone next to his ear, his face frozen in fear. He had stubble, and I could smell him on the other side of the room. He had broken under the pressure.
"Joel, put the fucking phone down." I choked out.
He turned to me and stared. It was the first time since we had given up that I had honestly been scared. I guess that I saw what everyone had seen in me. He looked like a madman as he calmly told me.
"No."
"Listen, I don't want to have to do this. Hang up, and we'll pretend that this never happened."
"What, you don't have the guts to kill me? Are you wimping out? I thought that you didn't care. Give up, reject everything, and all that shit. Have you finally seen how fucking stupid this all is? You killed someone yesterday."
"You were just as much his killer as me." I said quietly.
"No I wasn't! I was against that from the start! I want to live! You're all fucking insane! I'm ending this!"
I unwillingly brought up the rifle, and shot him once in the head. He slumped to the floor, and I could hear yelling on the other end.
I carefully picked the phone up. In a voice that showed that I cared more about what I had just done then I would have liked to, I spoke.
"Joel isn't going to be talking to you anymore, officer. I want this to be a lesson to you. Do not fuck with us, because we are invisible. Even if you catch me, there are still many others out there who will take my place instantly. None of us have any fear of you, of getting caught, or even of dying. Leave us alone."
It shattered as it hit the wall. I took a last look at Joel, and motioned to Mike, who had been casually standing guard.
"Come on, they'll be here soon."
User Reviews
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-10-11 19:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hehe, what a piece of garbage.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-11 04:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" But how did you get that killer tone?"
Aria Pro II on a Boss zoom pedal. Nothing special.
Enhanced by the software Acid.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 22:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i gotcha now.
thanks.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I probably should have worded "pathetically try to make up differences" better, but what I mean is, don't invent differences between your story and Fight Clubbecause that tends to get in the way of creativity. I didn't even mean to imply that you were doing so.
Just keep writinmg and run with your ideas, more than likely the more you indulge your ideas the plotline will develope entirely different from Fight Club or anything else. Again, there wasn't much for us to analyze here, but from what I read it seemed pretty good.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and pathetically try to make up differences.
I could have sworn that I was doing the complete opposite. Oh well.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, what I typed earlier was meant to say it wasn't too much like Fight Club, but I saw some similarities as well as diferences. I didn't even notice the "Do not fuck with us." When you're writing something though, never worry if it seems to similar to something and pathetically try to make up differences.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great song off of Rancid's second album.
Oh, as far as your story is concerned, I didn't read it...so it must suck.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For a few general notes:
I will never use the line 'do not fuck with us' again
Joel is not supposed to be a 'narrator'\
The guy they killed is not named meat loaf
Both Joel, Mike and the main character are all real people. No insanity of that type here.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I GET THE PICTURE!
AHH!!!
I'LL STOP WATCHING FIGHT CLUB!
HAPPY?!?
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
silent minority? or Project Mayham?
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Another part of this just got finished. Look for it tomorrow or on tuesday
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 20:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guy who's name I don't remember - There's actually a part where the character is talking to himself (not in real life, but in the text.) It's right after he puts the group together.
It goes along the lines that they are the most dangerous thing to ever happen to the school. Each of them was a columbine waiting to happen, but now they're something a thousand times worse.
Ending this thing is a real bitch. I'm thinking about having it so that it goes out of control, the group is in it's thousands across the world, and the main character tries to stop it.
But that's to much like fight club.
Argh.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-10 20:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written. The Silent Minority group reminds me of the Straw Men in the Michael Marshall novels "The Straw Men" and "The Upright Man" (which are kick ass and give good insight into the minds of killers and a terrifying group of people who believ to kill is to be free) or of the Columbine kids. Of course, this was a brief snippet of what you're writing, so I'm sure similarities would be dispelled by reading further. You should post more of it.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SwissCamel (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:46:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
Stories? Seriously?
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go to hell.
cshape - Actually, Schank is adapted from Schrank, but I'm not telling where it's from. To embaressing.
Submitted by SwissCamel (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stories? Seriously?
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh I don't know. I guess when people write fiction and are thinking of names for their characters, it's amusing to see what they think of. Schank just sounds a bit funny, I don't know =P
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:21:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
Overall, pretty good. Can't say much, because there wasn't much to go on, but I liked it. Reminded me a bit of Fight Club, but was too similar and had differences. One problem though is the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th sentences all began with "We." You might want to change that.
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Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:18:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har Officer Schank.
Seriously, it seems like a cool story and some good writing.
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cshape - whats so funny? I think i might know, but i wouldn't expect anyone who doesn't know me to get it.
CATAL - thanks. I agree with you on the fight club part. I had written the first chapter to this where he's standing over someone in a locker room, surrounded by people like Mike and Joel. Incidentally, that's the murder they talk about.
But after reading the first chapter again, it was pretty much identical to the monologue tyler gives the police chief. I even had 'Do not fuck with us' in there
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story and no, you were incorrect...it was a space effect combined with few delay.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Overall, pretty good. Can't say much, because there wasn't much to go on, but I liked it. Reminded me a bit of Fight Club, but was too similar and had differences. One problem though is the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th sentences all began with "We." You might want to change that.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har Officer Schank.
Seriously, it seems like a cool story and some good writing.