Along the Tracks - Script (827 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kL (View user info) at 2004-10-10 19:09:27 EDT
This is a first draft for a very short movie I'm thinking about making for school. It's based on one of my posts here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36335 with some dramatic additions. I've never tried to write a script before, so basically I'm looking for some critisicm, I don't really care if it's constructive at all. All I'm looking for is if it sucks shit or not. Also, some parts of it won't be relevant to you guys, for example if I mention someone at my school's name for a certain part. Please just try to look past that senseless crap, and just give me an opinion on the story, camera etc. My dialogue especially blows, so any advice on that would be appreciated. Thanks.
Along the Tracks
Scene ONE
Setting: Downtown Vancouver by GM place. Walking to the sky train in the evening.
Music: Something by Mogwai. Luvstory, Close Encounters, or Hunted by a Freak.
Characters in Scene: Protagonist (Name to be determined).
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*The lead is walking towards the sky train station. He is alone and the camera should be right in front of him, maybe some shots of his feet?*
Narrating Protagonist Voice-Over: I love the sound of my thin black shoes pattering on the wet evening ground. It's like somewhere in this huge city, this huge world, my two feet still make their own distinct impact(s?).
*A car speeds by, the camera goes behind the Lead and shows him following the car with his eyes. Then he swings his head back towards the direction he was going. The camera then switches into Lead's POV and shows the sky train station illuminated in the dark in front of him, then switches back into behind or maybe beside the Lead and he walks in the direction of the station"
Narrating Protagonist Voice-Over: I really do enjoy the simplicity of walking alone at night. Somehow being in the centre of a metropolis in silence and solitude makes me more at peace with my normal loneliness. There's got to be someone out there for me right? Even if I'm not aware of it.
*Lead reaches the station and walks up the stairs. Use lots of camera angles because of the incline there's got to be some interesting shots, and there isn't much action, so the camera should be dynamic at least. Plus the more shots, the better the movie will be timed to the music. When he is approaching the top of the stairs, or might be an escalator, I'm not sure if that station has one though, Maybe we could film it at the escalator on 41st and Joyce, the viewer wouldn't know... Yeah anyways, when Lead nears the top of the escalator or stairs (Preferably escalator =P) The camera switches to POV mode and he sees a small girl in a large yellow raincoat.)
Scene TWO
Setting: Vancouver streets, uptown and eastside. Same time as the Lead. He is also walking to the sky train.
Music: TBD
Characters in Scene: Antagonist (Name to be determined, may not be necessary).
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*Same as before, the Antagonist is walking down a street, heading for the sky train station. He is a darker, less handsome character than the Lead. (Cliché, but yeah =P)*
*Antagonist is walking down the street, he's on his cell phone, tries to make a few calls, but nobody answers, so he dejectedly puts his celly away and walks on. Maybe he should look to the sky and wander on the sidewalk more than have a specific path. He has no feasible destination, so it has to seem he's just wandering aimlessly, overcome with loneliness and his self pity and anger and rejection.*
*He maybe have him walk to the sky train station amid flashes maybe every 3 4 or 5 seconds of an image evoking iono... a feeling of separation or rejection, people being torn apart, one pushing another away, someone crying alone. They appear more frequently, then when he sits down waiting for the sky train, the images cycle like a SUPERFAST hyper cycling of the isolationist images and of his face, sitting on the bench, his eyes, the images. Then the images stop, and it just shows his face, sitting there for a few moments. Then the scene ends after fading slowly into black.*
Scene THREE
Setting: The sky train station downtown (to the viewer) possibly 41st and Joyce (in reality). Still evening.
Music: Same
Characters in Scene: Lead and Nozomi.
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Narrating Lead Voice-Over: Nozomi?... *To self* *Obviously, because it's a voice over, Cale you idiot*
*Screen fades white and replays the clip of coming over the edge of stairs or escalator and seeing her, fades white again and then fades into showing perhaps a younger Nozomi (This is where Sharon + her sister would be so perfect to play the roles) or it could show a younger Lead writing in a journal, or just lying in bed with a younger Lead voicing over, talking about 'this girl Nozomi, who I guess I kind of like etc etc yada yada). The screen would then fade into white again. Maybe it would fade slowly, like unwillingly coming away from a good memory.*
*Protagonist walks towards the sky train and the girl who had turned away from him, he had seen her face though. On the scene where he peers over the escalator / stairs, maybe the camera could zoom in and show his face clearly.*
Protagonist: Nozomi! Hey! It's *Name*
Nozomi: *Name*?... *Name*! Hey! What are you doing here?
Protagonist: Just going home. What about you?
Nozomi: Me too! ...which way are you headed?
Protagonist: Err, where are you headed?
Nozomi: I'm actually not really sure which way, I live up town on the East Side.
Protagonist: Well I guess I'm going that way too, I'll help you get home, don't worry.
Nozomi: Thanks *Name*!
*The sky train then slides conveniently up to them as if on cue. (Thanks to editing ^_^) They board and sit down together as the doors slide shut. Nozomi is sitting by herself on one of the rows of three seats, the one closest to the two seat row that the Lead is sitting on. The camera shows Nozomi balling herself up, snuggling inside her jacket, then shows the Lead, severely underdressed with jeans and no jacket, unable to hold back a smile when he's looking at Nozomi. Then they both smile at each other shyly. Seemingly understanding each other perfectly. Maybe show the camera out the window periodically if possible. Hopefully we will be alone on the sky train, or just not show the other people in camera, obviously. The lovers sound will be muted. The music at this point will change to Bjorn - Oceania. It will show the two talking, laughing, somehow the girl will move to him, so they're occupying both of the two seats in the row. Eventually, after all the romantic kiddie foreplay, she will intertwine her fingers in his and lean her head against his chest. It then shows the Lead, who's eyes are open while Nozomi's are closed, he looks around, then closes his, and the screen fades into white.*
Scene FOUR
Setting: An amusement park, play land. Daytime, in summer.
Music: TBD, something happy, but mellow, possibly only instrumental.
Characters: Young Protagonist and Young Nozomi.
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Current (Not Young) Protagonist Voice-Over: Nozomi and I had gone to an amusement as kids, maybe twelve or thirteen. We knew each other OK, but that day we rode all of the rides together. I remember being so happy.
*While this voice over is occurring, young Nozomi and young protagonist are riding the smaller rides at play land. Hopefully looking young and innocent*
Continued Voice-Over: Finally, it was almost time for us to go home, but we went on the coaster one last time. We had neared the climax of the largest hill, and just before we dropped into oblivion, Nozomi turned and looked back at me, smiling and vibrant. That image has stayed with me forever.
*While this voice over is occurring, exactly what is just described is happening. After they drop, it would fade into white, then return to the still image of her smiling back at him, then fade back into white slowly..*
Scene FIVE
Setting: Same setting as scene three. The two are where we left them.
Music: Something soothing, sigur ros, mum, or Mogwai.
Characters: Protagonist and Nozomi.
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Protagonist: Do you remember... that day that we went to the amusement park? *Maybe he would stammer on or something*
*Nozomi rises up off of his chest and looks into his eyes and kisses him lightly and resumed her slumbering position on the Protagonist's chest.*
*The sky train rolls on along the tracks*
Scene SIX
Setting: The sky train station on Main street or 25th.
Music: Something without lyrics, but maybe a bit faster or more intense than the ones before it.
Characters: Antagonist (Showing the Lead and Nozomi would be inconsequential and possibly helpful, maybe unnecessarily though. They being shown would be incidental.)
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*The antagonist is waiting at the sky train station for a few moments, staring at the ground, slumped over, then the train rolls up. I'm not sure where the camera should be positioned here, but I'll think of something. He then boards the train and sits in a corner, far from the lovers, but he CAN see them as he's in the same car. Maybe the camera can show his point of view as he gets on, looks one way: clear, the doors close, looks the other way and sees the lovers. He maybe then could try to open the door to get into the next car to be alone, but it wouldn't work, so he would slump into a chair and sullenly, with muted emotion (how to act that eh? Haha) watch Nozomi and the Lead.
Scene SEVEN
Setting: The sky train, though some shots from outside, of it zooming by perhaps.
Music: TBD, obviously something that fit's the theme so far, so either sigur ros, mum, mogwai, bjork, or something similar, I am kloot maybe?
Characters: All / None
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*Here, basically all that I'll try to convey is that the sky train is rolling along the tracks towards Nozomi's house, the antagonist is still bitter and contemplative?, and the lovers are still in sublime contentment.*
*Shots from both inside and outside, no dialogue.*
Scene EIGHT
Setting: Inside the sky train.
Music: Something soothing inside the theme again. Then something faster ... Radiohead! When the killing scene is on.
Characters: All
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*The sky train approaches a station and the Lead gently wakes up Nozomi, who's drowsy and allows herself to be led by Lead. The antagonist hesitates for a moment and then follows them. The lovers are tired but affectionate, Nozomi holds the Lead's arm as they walk along. The antagonist trails behind them. He tries to make another call with his cell, but there is no answer again. Nozomi makes a motion, and the lovers turn into an alley. The antagonist looks on, maybe looks at a weapon he is carrying, something I will have shown before. Then he turns into the alley after them. Maybe I will use 2+2=5 if nothing better comes along. But the song will be building to it's climax as the camera shows the lovers walking along, oblivious to the antagonist's steady pursuit of them. As he nears them the song reaches full climax. He pushes them into a dark corner. Then in the pitch black I'll execute the stuff I wrote in the Notes section.
Scene NINE
Setting: In the alley by Nozomi's house.
Music: Elliot Smith - I didn't Understand
Characters: Antagonist
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*Antagonist gets up from the murder scene. He doesn't smile, or show signs that he enjoyed killing them. He gets up and starts walking away slowly as the song plays. The camera is stagnant now and just shows him walking away towards the sunset? After the song and him walking have played a bit, and it's all kind of sinking into the audience, the screen either fades into black and the credits roll, or they roll over the antagonist walking away.
End.
Notes / Problems / Thoughts (I was writing this while writing the script)
I'm not sure if I'll be able to implement the roller coaster scene, maybe I could make the movie and then once summer play land opens again, find someone to go on the coaster and do it... If Sharon was Nozomi then her little sister could do the roller coaster scene. It's pretty perfect in my head, but they'd both have to agree to do it.
In another note, the movie has so little action, it's just a simple allegory, which could be pretty boring. I might add a crazy ending, which wouldn't be straying from the allegory that much (It's representing like the magical feeling of newfound, unthinking 'love' ß for lack of better word. The cell phone ending would be more realistic... even though it was all a dream. The crazy ending I'm thinking of would be some guy who is also alone, but with a different idea of being alone, how it's hopeless. He walks into the train and sees the two of them together and happy, and kills them both. Actually, I really like that idea. I just need to pull it off without it being stupidly funny, more shocking, but I'd expect some laughs? I'd like to have them killed in a very dark part so I can use some cool effects like very loud slicing noises, quick black screen, screams, a flash of blood or metal in the very dark, flash to black, repeat, I think I'd be able to pull it off and it wouldn't look ghetto. Perhaps the antagonist could get on at a later stop than the two lovers, see them, grow jealous and bitter and then once they get off (The Lead would offer to walk Nozomi home) they are going through an alleyway and he just pumps them, maybe attacking Lead first, seeing Nozomi's real pain and then leaving. That might be too hard, maybe he just slashes both of them to shreds and leaving, representing the harsh blade of reality.
If the movie just turns out to be hella boring, I would change up the music. I like Bjorn - Oceania for when they are connecting on the sky train. 'every boy is a snake is a lily / every pearl is a lynx is a girl'
Nozomi means hope in Japanese.
The dialogue between Nozomi and the Lead is SO BAD, I need a lot of help with that.
I like the idea of the protagonist (who is lonely) being fascinated by how Nozomi looks so protected and safe and self-sufficient in her huge yellow jacket. I need to find a way to incorporate that into the plot somewhere in scene one or the beginning of scene three.
No idea who could play young antagonist.
The setting of play land is good, but I'd like to not have to wait so long to finish the movie, plus it would cost me money that I don't have. Maybe I could think of something different for them to be doing. Damn me being so cheap.
Possible music for the credits: Elliot Smith - I didn't Understand. This would play while they show the killer walking away for awhile and then once he gets far enough away, it fades into black, and the credits roll, or they could roll on top of him walking away. But the former allows more of the song to play, which I'd like to happen.
I'm not sure how to begin the movie, if it should have a big title, 'ALONG THE TRACKS' not sure, that's a small problem =P
Note to self = get TONS of shots, because I want to time it to the music well. Especially Oceania.
What is the murder weapon!?!? Something sharp but feasible.
Because it's kind of unreasonable and unnecessary to shoot the last scene at dawn, when it would have been happening. (Well, I would like it to be dawn, I could show the lovers, just riding around the tracks because Nozomi is sleeping and the Lead is enjoying himself or sleeping himself, and passing by the antagonist who could be sleeping at the stop instead. Then he randomly wakes up once when the train comes and gets on. It would make more sense time wise if the time is dusk... pitch black night... dawn, but it might be unnecessary.) We could film the beginning and ending parts at dusk like 7 or 8 on different nights. Because they don't know what direction it is, dusk and dawn will look the same.
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THIS IS A FIRST ROUGH DRAFT THAT I WROTE FROM 12-2 AM. KEEP THAT IN MIND ^_^
User Reviews
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-11-22 02:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coming back to this old post, I was thinking of making the Antagonist Nozomi's boyfriend, and it would give a more clear cut reason for him killing them. More representing the unfairness of life rather than a simple allegory of love working / not working fantasy / reality w/e. If anyone wants to read it and give some comments that would be great.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-18 17:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really love Socialist Joe. Read all of his posts, they're pure gold. GOLD!
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-10-15 11:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there needs be more pie
Submitted by octobar (user info) at 2004-10-11 23:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gain, thanks for taking so much interest in this! It's sweet to have someone really read it. Anyways, I was thinking before that it should have a conflict or something as well. If you read the original post that it was based on, there was absolutely no conflict. They just meet, ride the skytrain, movie ends. =) And that was just meant to be a snapshot of a moment or whatever, showing like... randomness of life, love, I dunno. Then, when I added the murders to the script, it was meant to sort of... complete the allegory. Portraying love, but this one showing a more realistic approach, perhaps finishing it. Like... love doesn't end happily, but (with perhaps too strongly shown) sadness or failure. Anyways, I am tired, thanks a ton =)
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 22:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad, i'm stupid.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more thing, and then I'll leave you alone
Your writing is very stiff. It's kind of hard to describe, but it loses it's sense of reality when it sounds like your characters learned to speak from a dictionary.
And one more thing
WORK A CONFLICT IN THERE
the number one rule of anything dramatic is to have a conflict. I've only skimmed this so i might have missed it, but something needs to go wrong, and then be fixed.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-10-10 21:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
vancouver bc = the shiznit
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 20:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's too bad that not as many people will bother with this because it's so long.
I'm moving this up to a +2 because of that
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoa! Thanks man, that's really a ton of help! I'll definitely take advantage of some of that advice, and yeah I'll re-tool the characters and dialogue, and I like the idea of putting a bit of yellow on the protaganist. Thanks again.
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The dialogue between Nozomi and the Lead is SO BAD, I need a lot of help with that.
- Your characters are way to similar. Have you ever taken Drama? They need to contrast a little. Hell, even two loud characters are good. But two shy people is boring.
I like the idea of the protagonist (who is lonely) being fascinated by how Nozomi looks so protected and safe and self-sufficient in her huge yellow jacket. I need to find a way to incorporate that into the plot somewhere in scene one or the beginning of scene three.
- Maybe have the protaginist wear yellow? Probably just a patch. Or in one of the dialogue scenes, have him seem completely fascinated with the jacket, i.e unable to take his eyes of it. But you're right, that is pretty hard
The setting of play land is good, but I'd like to not have to wait so long to finish the movie, plus it would cost me money that I don't have. Maybe I could think of something different for them to be doing. Damn me being so cheap.
- break in. I know it sounds bad, but the risk is fairly low to get some great shots.
Possible music for the credits: Elliot Smith - I didn't Understand. This would play while they show the killer walking away for awhile and then once he gets far enough away, it fades into black, and the credits roll, or they could roll on top of him walking away. But the former allows more of the song to play, which I'd like to happen.
- don't worry about music. If you will, try to make it instrumental, unless the vocals have something very specific to go on
I'm not sure how to begin the movie, if it should have a big title, 'ALONG THE TRACKS' not sure, that's a small problem =P
- Get a shot of the characters feet walking, then the body, and just move the camera around with all these random shots, and then when you finally pull out and show the protaganist walking towards the camera, have the words come up. A bonus of this is that you can have names and credits going when you have the random shots
That's as much as I can do right now.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No I don't, and it's just a high school TV class, so I have to be a writer, director, editor and probably actor. Thanks for reading!
Submitted by gain (user info) at 2004-10-10 19:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A good concept, but you don't write scripts much, do you?
You should leave more up to the director.