How To Make A Starbucks Eggnog Latte (28329 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.21 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2002-12-03 01:44:48 EST
My instructions for How To Make A Starbucks Eggnog Latte:
1. Take some eggnog
2. Take some coffee
3. Take the best parts of the above and throw them in the garbage can
4. What remains after #3 is a Starbucks Eggnog Latte
The Epilogue
Due to the details of my company's vacation policy, I decided to take this week off for no good reason. My plan is to take care of a bunch of errands, relax, and just enjoy the beautiful city of Chicago. Today, my first vacation day, it snowed. Not the happy light fluffy kind of snow either, this was the bitter cold windy why-the-hell-am-I-living-here kind of snow.
Through the snow, I walked down to the bank and currency exchange to take care of all my banking and currency exchanging needs. Then, as a relief from the weather, I decided to go across the street to the Starbucks and get a nice warm beverage.
I've never been to this particular Starbucks. I hate everything about Starbucks from their logo to their music to the fact that they use ASP/IIS on their website. They do have two things going for them: they hire cute hippie looking girls, and they make some pretty fucking good coffee.
Maybe it's because it's addictive or maybe it's because they inject it with hallucinogens, I don't know. What I do know is that the coffee tastes pretty good. I also know that they've run every independent coffee shop in Chicago out of business, so if you want coffee, you can go to Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Caribou, or the grocery store.
Anyway, I went in today and decided to try one of the Christmas related drinks, the Eggnog Latte. A "tall" (meaning small) one, with tax, came to $3.21. A bit pricy but, for what I'm sure would be a divine blend of sweet eggy caffeinated goodness, $3.21 would be just a drop in the bucket.
If this is divinity, I'll take hell any day of the week.
I sat down in the Starbucks and took a couple sips of what I would eventually identify as The Worst Thing I Have Ever Tasted. And I used to eat glue in gradeschool. And dirt. It's hard to describe exactly how bad this "drink" was because the English language hasn't evolved far enough in that direction. Imagine taking a raw egg, heating it but not cooking it, mixing it into a cup of coffee, and putting nutmeg on top. Then imagine drinking this without hurling your guts. Not easy, is it?
So after the couple sips I took while sitting down, I got up, walked outside, walked down the street towards my apartment, and threw the Ass Latte into a nearby garbage can. I guess I should have asked for a refund or something, but at that moment, I almost felt bad for the multi-national corporate coffee conglomerate. I mean, who the hell thought this was a good idea? Did anybody taste this piece of crap before they started selling it to millions of unwitting Americans? I could even rationalize how someone might think this was a good idea, mix one up, then realize that it tasted like death warmed over and scrap the whole project. I started wondering if Saddam Hussein had developed a strategy to hide his chemical weapons from UN inspectors by dumping them into Starbucks' coffee drinks. If any of the Ubersite readers works for the Iraqi government, please let us know if I've stumbled onto something.
Point is, if you want eggnog, drink some eggnog. If you want coffee, drink some coffee. If you are considering ordering a Starbucks Eggnog Latte, don't bother. Just find a bum and ask if you can lick his ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by jordangirl78 (user info) at 2007-08-21 10:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hexavier (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Starbucks is evil!
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-15 23:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just typed in a random post #. Felt like digging up the past.
Submitted by sliver at 2004-06-18 09:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tastes better with vodka
Submitted by MmmVag (user info) at 2004-02-15 23:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bums are FUNNY!
Submitted by Wickedriser (user info) at 2004-02-15 23:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Four Thousand Something just gave you a -2
revolution maybe?
probably not.. but it still felt good.
keep up the good work!
-dan
Submitted by Mabel <sciencesnob.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-15 23:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me laughing OUT LOUD. Thanks.
Submitted by inflamed (user info) at 2004-02-10 13:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what's a kopi to you? as in what do you guys know of the word kopi?
Submitted by Redrum (user info) at 2004-01-19 03:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you know what eggnog really is? You're not gonna want to hear it, but I'll tell you -- elf cum, that's what it is! You might as well pour it on your back and slap yourself on the ass. But I don't want to tell you how to live your life, you do what you do, alright?"
Gotta love Dave Attell.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-01-04 01:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, some of us who don't live out in the sticks still like to get a nice cup of coffee. You're suggesting that I should go four miles north to Kopi?
And yes, Intelligentsia is the best coffee on earth. I now go there almost exclusively, especially when I'm at work.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-01-04 01:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good GOD, Bart, you don't know where to find good coffee... You should just kill yourself now and be done with it. How do you look at yourself in the mirror? Christ.
P.S. I thought it was Shy Town, not ChiVille.
Submitted by BartSuks (user info) at 2004-01-04 01:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Geez. What a FUCKTARD. If "Bart" even knows about "IIS" and "ASP" like his fucking lame ass claims too, then he'd know about "google.com" but wouldn't even need it because he'd know about Kopi Cafe on Clark St.
F--- off poser coffee wannabe loser.
Don't insult everyone in ChiVille who KNOWS where the great bean juice is...just 'cause your loser ass doesnt know where it is doesn't mean it doesn't exist outside the big chains.
Extra fuck-offs to all the other me-too fans...
Loser.
Yay for good coffee and good food in Chicago.
BOO for fucknuts without a clue...
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-01-02 11:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always enjoy a Starbucks Vente chai latte (which technically isn't a latte since there's no coffee. But that's what you say to get Chai with steamed milk).
Great read.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2004-01-02 10:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too much egg and not enough nog or vice versa. Starbuck's is evil! You should have known better. Tsk Tsk Tsk.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2003-12-23 10:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't forget Intelligencia ... perhaps the best coffee in the states right on your doorstep.
Submitted by Sarah <darcey28.at.msn.com> at 2003-07-29 16:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked at Starbucks for over three years and it is noting but a bunch of corporate bullshit!!! I smell an Enron scandal brewing!!!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-21 23:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-06-15 00:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Man... that reminds me of the most traumatic candy experience ever. I have a handful of candies in little plastic wrappers, and I pop one in my mouth without looking at the wrapper... and IT'S BLOODY HORRIBLE! It was like fucking corn or something! Then, I look at the wrapper... there's a picture of A GODDAMN CORN WITH ASIAN WRITING ON IT. What kind of sick country makes corn candy? Not wholesome, all-American candy corn, but CORN-FUCKING-CANDY!!!
It's a mixed-up world... with some mixed-up people making mixed-up candies...
Submitted by SarGasm (user info) at 2003-05-09 16:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great article!
at the risk of sounding like a shit, on occasion...very seldom, but it does happen, i've been known to wander into a starbucks and grab a mocha, or a "frappucino". it's the only thing they do well there.
their regular coffee does indeed taste like what i'd imagine ass would taste like, though having never tossed someone's salad, let alone a bum's, i have no idea what ass's true flavor is.
being daring one day, i thought i'd grab a coffee there. i regretted it. now it's Tim Hortons for me. the best coffee ever! i even buy their prepack coffee and brew it at home.
Submitted by sg <ilv.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-04-18 19:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i work at starbucks and just try to imagine smelling that 8 hours a day for over 2 months, i almost quit
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-04-16 12:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Diet Mountain Dew Code Red is even worse.
Submitted by tpx187 (user info) at 2003-02-28 18:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
now i like coffee, hell it tastes good and wakes my ass up in times off need. ive never gotten a starbucks coffee, ive gottne that bottle frapauccino shit. that aint bad. but the absoulte worst part about starbucks is the rich, me-first, cocksuckers that go there everyday before they go to work, they drive up there in thier 50,000$ cars, park on the side of the streets and take up parkin spaces for people who really need them. i swear to god one day someone (not me) is gonna go nuts walk in there and just shoot up the place, its gonna be like the USPS was a few years back, no more goin postal, fuck that im goin bucks.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-02-20 00:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by workuf <bitemeyouspammingbastard@cilfo> at 2003-02-19 18:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, but have you tried their "Lemon Coffee?"
Submitted by _JP (user info) at 2003-01-30 11:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
See you can replace hot foamed milk with cold whipped cream (i.e. whip cream) and then it's the same. LOL
Submitted by sky (user info) at 2003-01-30 10:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very funny article.
Dunkin' Donuts coffee kicks ass (I have to add). And in Boston there's one on every corner! Yay for me! What kills me about Starbucks..."ICED cappuchino..." How does one make an iced cappuchino when one of the most important parts of a cappuchino is the FOAM, created by heat! Hmmmm. pondering.... Starbucks is evil.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-01-29 23:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by chigirl at 2003-01-13 17:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the time I foolishly took a piece of candy out of a dish at work one day. It was egg nog flavored. YUKKKKKKKKKKK! I still to this day cannot get the taste of the devil out of my mouth.
Submitted by db cooper <vanhookc.at.bc.edu> at 2002-12-27 16:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Alright, you said you liked Starbucks' regular coffee which makes you a piece of shit, besides, at this point everyone should realize that just because something is a hybrid of two decent things it doesn't make it good. I'm sick of worn-out, faceless, mass produced filth pawning itself off as "gormet." Starbucks is the McDonald's of coffee, only it has the balls to overcharge. Anybody who goes to Starbucks out of anything but necessity needs to have his head slammed in a vault door. If you're as interested in saving money as you claim to be just pipe some hot water across your asshole the next time you want Starbucks' coffee.
Submitted by j <dumb.at.dumb.dumb> at 2002-12-24 14:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I had the same experience the other day, after a while my body just blocked out the taste, so it was more like a bondo latte.
Submitted by Jason <jseiler.at.cox.net> at 2002-12-24 12:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! No other word fits.
Submitted by ISuck (user info) at 2002-12-20 09:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice callback to licking the bum's ass at the end there. You brought it back around.
Submitted by HugeCockInTheAss (user info) at 2002-12-19 19:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2002-12-04 16:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally a posting that keeps me entertained at work!
Submitted by lodnem (user info) at 2002-12-03 14:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
glue tasted good...well it didn't really taste good, but the texture was that of a long-chewable-buger that hardened, softened, and hardened again. perhaps the best part was that it didn't come out of your nose, that it's dispenser was a more sociablly acceptable apparatus from which to get your protein needs. (well that and you could rub it between your hands and make these long strands of gooey black stuff that stuck to the walls when you flicked it on em, but a good buger will do that to)
but coffee and an egg in a cup? what exactly is it about cold weather that makes people insane??
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2002-12-03 08:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't have much to say about the content of the article, but I'd like to mention that this is the kind of article Ubersite thrives on. I love this stuff. You crack me up every time, Bart. Keep it up!
Jason
p.s. This is the first post that I have enjoyed in about three weeks.