Just me and charlie in the jungle.. Part. 1 (1046 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.27 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tigre (View user info) at 2004-10-11 00:41:29 EDT
(All of you that gave me -2 for my first post can suck my hairy testicles)
This is part one on my stories of 'Me, and charlie in the jungle'
As many of you don't know, I was in 'Nam. Yes yes, the math doesn't work out, but I was. I'm a corny son of a bitch somtimes, but you can o-ring my conquistador you mangridden clownpirates. Onto the story.
It was 1965. I was Eighteen, living in my parent's basement. I was the leader of the biggest, baddest, and only gang in Southern Pennsylvania; in reality we were a bunch of pussies, but we were a sight to see. We all wore Black leather coats, with slicked back hair; Just like the fonze. There were Six of us badasses in Total.
Me - The leader, head honcho of the Buckingham Gangsters.
Big Tony Tutorri - Real name was John, but we gave him the nickname in the 7th grade when we heard about him sneaking into 'Big Tony's Pizzeria' to make a pizza while he was high on reefer.
J-man - Every type of game we had in the day, this guy played. From blackjack to poker, to ping-pong, to spit in the old lady's hair in the movie theatre, he played it. Nowadays, he sits at home playing every game that even has a remote pixelated boobie.
Al Boreland's Mom's brother - A guy who we referred to as Barry. This guy was remarkably skinny, though he was renouwn for his ability to take a butter pat, roll it on his stomach, and flip it into his mouth.
Andrew - If you ever had a test, or a quiz coming up, you called him and you cheated. You cheated so hard off of him, he once told us it made his ass bleed(it may have been the hotsauce in the pudding the night before though..). The general smartkid you need in the gang, so they don't think you're losers. The kinda guy that goes to the hardware store/winn-dixie to figure out new weapons for our gang(like screwdrivers tied to a rope, that you swung around really fast).
Joe - And then there was Joe, the guy who generally pissed everyone off whenever he opened his mouth. The guy who nobody wanted to come, but he still managed to get a ride. His coat was actually a deep crap brown, with a few cartoon character patches sewn into it. He was the pussy of the group, and when needed he could be thrown into the opposing gang's side as a distraction while we launched our screwdriver assault brigade).
We were all sitting around the wire spool in my basement one day, telling fartjokes when it happened. When your father bursts through the door and you see that look on his face. Not the look like he caught you masturbating, or stealing money from his wallet, but the look of absolute, pure, unadulterated evil. My friends looked at him in horror. His black framed glasses accentuated by his big bushey eyebrows. His arms were wide open as he walked toward me. He tossed a pamphlet at my head, which fell to the ground at an angle which I couldn't read at first. His voice was a cannon.
"Son! You're goin' to 'Nam!" His front two teeth that I only ever really saw when he was angry bore out like two mocking fangs, almost smiling at me from the protection of his grotesque smile. His teeth were an overall yellow and black from coffee and years from not brushing. Everyone couldn't help but grimace. Everyone but Joe, who Big Tony promptly punched in the back of the head. My father came and bent down, giving my head a fake Italian kiss, "Come, come all of you upstairs to the den, I've got a movie to show you!" We all looked at each other, and stood up, following him up the shag-rugged stairway. He stopped on the third or fourth step, and pointed to joe, "Not you. You stay down here and amuse yourself with somthing.". Tony gave Joe a stiff smack to the back of the head, my father giving the big man an approving nod.
We all crammed on the couch as my father made a last minute adjustment to the projector. He looked over at Big tony, who promtpy flung his fat fist up at the dimmer switch. My father flipped on the projector which began rolling an old family film. I could hear my father,
"Here boy, c'mon!" I was six, and completely able to walk. My father who was obviously holding the camera(which weighed about thirty six pounds), asked me "What're you gunna be when you grow up Aaron?" I looked at him with my stupid-ass grin. I was such a dipshit.
"The prwez-e-dint dahdee!" My father set the camera on a coffee table, getting a sideview of him and I when he knelt down. He looked over and smiled at the camera with that same dumbass grin, his teeth just as black and yellow. The man hadn't changed in 12 years(minus the hideous baldspot on the back of his head, which he constantly denied the existance of).
"If you're going to be the president, you have to go into the military! Do you wanna fight for your country?" I grimaced.
"Ya daddy!"
"And do you promise, that on this day, October 11th, when you're 18, and if you don't have a job and are living here, and not paying rent, that I can decide where you go, and for how long?"
The man was evil. Clearly.
"Okiee dah-deee!" I smacked him in the face with a wooden hammer. Fucking asshole.
I stood up from the couch, looking at him. He sat at the table, his hand bent to his cheek as he smiled superficially at me, "Yeah, son?"
"Suck my balls." I walked calmly downstairs, as he nonchalantly called to me,
"The truck to pick you up will be here on the 13th!"
I walked downstairs, and promptly punched Joe in the cheek, who was making paperclips dance with each other to 'rocking robin'. I sat on my bed, as I spotted the pamphlet. I laid my heat against the wall, scanning my room. The gangster days were coming to an end.
I woke up about 11 o'clock the next day, shaking my head. Realization hit me. It all came like a flood, coming back to me. My father's nasty ass teeth. Punching out Joe(who was still out cold), and the pamphlet. I looked at it again on the floor, and knelt down to pick it up. I was gunna fight a war. I was gunna be in a war. I was gunna kick some ass!
I packed. I unpacked. I had no idea what the fuck to bring with me. Do I bring my rubber band gun? My poopstained long johns? Hohos? I basically ended up packing a pack of toothpicks, a couple bandaids, and a porno in a brown paper bag. I had four hours left. I hadn't said a word to my father, yet I knew the inevitable. I was sitting on the front porch. It was picture perfect, with it's green grass, the white picket fence, the fucked up little lawn gnome that was always staring at my ass, and my friends in camo crying as they walk up to the porch. Wait a sec..
"What the hell guys?" Andrew looked at me, shaking his head,
"Your dad fucking sucks man."
"No shit. Why this time?" Andrew looked at J-man. J-man looked at Barry. Barry looked at Big Tony. Big Tony smacked Joe. Andrew turned to me, his head still hanging low,
"Your dad conspired with our parents. We're all going to 'nam, 'cept Joe. Somthing about some mental thing." I was in utter disbeilef. The whole gang, going to 'nam, going to kick some ass with me. And then I heard it. We all heard it. It gave us the feeling like the sound of the schoolbus does to your colon on the first day of 1st grade. Anxiety filled us as the camo jeep pulled up to my house, spewing thick black smoke. We were goin' to 'Nam. We were goin' to kick some ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-20 02:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was actually really fucking good.
Where the hell has Tigre gone? He was my only uber friend ever.
Submitted by johnnyclubmasterson (user info) at 2005-01-23 02:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2secondpost
Submitted by germy (user info) at 2005-01-02 00:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://captainfoamy.com
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well...7 +2s I guess.
Whatever.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And, shit, part one gets a +2 now too.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So I gave that one (part two) a two.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But it was good anyways.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really it would have made my understanding of two greater when I read it.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt read one before I read two.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-07 03:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gooooood shit.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-07 01:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to read the first part before the second.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-04 07:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Jabba_the_Shit (user info) at 2004-10-27 08:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-27 02:37:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm littler, and I have more hits than you.
Poopy.<3
-----------------------------------
Here's another hit.
Heehee. <3
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-23 01:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really would smash your face in with a hammer.
Submitted by cigar.. (user info) at 2004-10-23 01:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by cig (user info) at 2004-10-23 01:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Apricot (user info) at 2004-10-22 23:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Iawless_heIIion (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get a -2 hit due to your supporting of an idiot.
Submitted by John_Fonda_Kerry (user info) at 2004-10-18 19:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poly, aren't you retaliating now? You -2ed me for sucking, so I did the same..
..
....
-2 WAR! AAAAHH!!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, 70 hits. I kick so much ass.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
‹^› ‹(•¿•)› ‹^›
Submitted by icarus9mm (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i read this post, and it was so bad i went back to your first just to -2 it.
well, i lied... i didn't actually read any of it.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47112#866584
Retaliation ratings aren't good karma, asshole.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
(All of you that gave me -2 for my first post can suck my hairy testicles)
Here's another.
Can I lick your ass too?
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"screwdriver assault brigade"
That was hilarious!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really am.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 00:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You won't get rape just yet babysnakes. Wait till the shower scene with my old woodshop teacher..
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-11 00:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more cowbell. And rape.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2004-10-11 00:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hairy testicles?
doesn't rhyme with rape...
Submitted by queensowntalia (user info) at 2004-10-11 00:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thank you for not posting something rhyming with rape.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-10-11 00:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get with the program, chief.
RAPE!