Underage Sluts Will Have Sex With You If You Have A Sweet Ride (23114 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-10-11 01:17:29 EDT
The year was 1992. I was 8 years old. At that age, the neighborhood kids don't decide your coolness by what you wear. You're cool if you have the coolest toys. That year, bikes were what you were judged on. The brand that everyone wanted was Huffy.
George, the kid that had everything, didn't hold back when his dad took him to get any bike he wanted. He had the bike with a water bottle, 10 speed gears, double hand-brakes, and that pad that covers the frame so you don't bust your balls on it.
Then again, he was 8. 8 year olds don't have balls.
His ride even had a radio on it. Whenever I heard Madonna's 'Like A Virgin' blaring, I knew that he was coming. He might have been cool, but his taste in music wasn't the best. He chose to listen to women's light-rock radio. Nonetheless, the other kids idolized him.
My best friend, Joseph, was the worst of these followers.
"Hey Justin, check this out!"
I looked out my front door and heard Whitney Houston's "I Will always Love You".
"What is that, Joseph?"
"It's my new bike, cool huh?"
"That's not a new bike! That's your old one!"
In an effort to be more like George, Joseph duct taped a water bottle to the middle frame of his bike. He didn't think much beyond that, because seeing as how it was duct taped, he could never drink the water. This really didn't help when the hot days of summer melted the tape somewhat. That water bottle stayed there for years with the original water still in it.
"Where's that music coming from?"
"It's my new bike radio!"
No, it wasn't.
The idiot used more duct tape to attach his dad's old General Electric radio to the handle bars. Once again, the hot sun caused a problem later that summer, melting the tape so bad that he couldn't remove the radio. In fact, once the batteries died he couldn't change them-- so now he was riding around with extra equipment that didn't do him any good.
As for me-- I was stuck with my mom's bike. The one she had as a kid. The type where the seat is higher than the handle-bars. You could tell it was a girl's bike because it had the middle-bar sloping downward.
Oh-- it was also bright pink too. That also indicated girliness.
I had to have a new bike, not just to be cool, but to impress Karen. She was an older chick. At 11 years old, she stood 4 feet 1, 65 pounds, and wore her hair in pigtails. It makes me drool just thinking about her.
Wait, no it doesn't. I'm just kidding. Heh. Heh.
When I arrived home from school one afternoon, I decided to ask my mom for the Huffy bike that was loaded with accessories.
"Mom! I want a new bike."
"What? What's wrong with my old bike?"
"It sucks ass, mom. It sucks huge ass."
"JUSTIN!!"
She must've been in a bad mood, because she didn't buy me the new bike. I figured I'd go to the man.
Santa Claus.
"Ho ho ho! What can Santa get you for Christmas, young man?"
"I want the Huffy 10 speed bike with the drink holder and radio!"
I saw my dad standing there in front of me, shaking his head no to Santa.
"Ho ho ho! Santa doesn't know about that! How about a candy cane?"
"But I want a--"
"Get off my lap kid and take the candy cane."
I set out with intentions of a 200 dollar bike and ended up with a 10 cent candy cane. No wonder kids don't believe in Santa anymore, he's a cheap bastard. I saw a couple of elves in the unemployment line last week.
After I came home from the mall, my mom had the nerve to ask me what I asked Santa for.
"I asked him for the Huffy bike. He said no."
"Aw, maybe next year."
"I don't want to wait until next year! I want the bike! Will you buy me the FUCKING bike?!"
"JUSTIN!!"
"Oops sorry. May I please have the fucking bike?"
I still never got that bike.
This past weekend, I had a little bit of extra money in my bank account, so I went out and made the purchase of a lifetime. I bought a 10 speed bike with a radio on it. The kids look at me funny as I ride through the neighborhood ringing my bike-bell.
Jealous fuckers.
-Sideburns
P.S. This is Pikachu's reaction when I rode by with my bike radio turned up all the way.
![confused[1].jpg (19 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1097471849427820329/1/confused[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I grew up the poor kid in a really rich small town, and, being such, I had a Huffy (they were the cheapest, cool or not). Everyone else had Treks and Specialized, and frickin offroad motorcycles and here I was with my Huffy. Now they had more ammo than "you wore that shirt yesterday, shit face. Not my fault I only had one shirt, damn, bitches.
Needless to say, a few of them killed themselves when, at the age of 13, I came in 2nd place in a 40 mile bike race we had on this trail around the countryside-2nd place to the ONLY other Huffy out of like 30 people!
Huffy: making rich kids look dumb since 1984.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-10-15 22:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun-nay.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-10-15 14:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment Necessary
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-10-14 19:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhahahah!
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-13 21:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by retroscendence (user info) at 2004-10-13 07:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You'd have got the shit kicked out of you for riding a bike with a radio on in England, and quite rightly so.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-10-12 23:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-12 03:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-10-12 03:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gots all da ladies, I gots a specialized, an' dey all ride mah handlebah's, man
Submitted by blissfully_ignorant (user info) at 2004-10-11 22:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Remember Pokemon cards? Little children pay good money for bits of cardboard you find on the ground. Easiest ten bucks I ever made. But then again, when has taking advantage of small children not been profitable?
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-11 22:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-11 21:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. If I never see another damn Pokemon again though, it'll be too soon.
Submitted by pokeysrevenge (user info) at 2004-10-11 17:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Big pimpin'.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-10-11 15:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can shit brown
Submitted by NAKEDMAMMAL (user info) at 2004-10-11 15:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
a bit dissapointed at the lack of slut and sex content
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-11 14:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-10-11 14:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-11 14:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TrickyRicky (user info) at 2004-10-11 14:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-10-11 14:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-11 11:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...elves in the unemployment line last week...."
Buahahahahaahhahaaaa....sheesh
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-10-11 11:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-10-11 09:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-11 08:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pikachu, unemployed elves and any posts by Sideburns always gets a +2.
Always.
Unless the story has robot pirates and monkey ninjas.
Then it gets a +2510848415123015
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-10-11 08:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-10-11 04:44:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
My review.. I was kidding Sideburns. My feeble attempt at humor.. crushed.
I think I'll go have sex with many beautiful women to feel better. And by that, I mean I'm going to be looking at porn.
-------------------
Yes, because you really came close to fooling us into thinking you didn't mean porn.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-11 08:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-10-11 04:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
trim it
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-10-11 04:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My review.. I was kidding Sideburns. My feeble attempt at humor.. crushed.
I think I'll go have sex with many beautiful women to feel better. And by that, I mean I'm going to be looking at porn.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only I may shit gold. And sort of a sympathy +2 for letting you down.
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post (+1)
Best defence ever; I can't shit gold (+1)
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:28:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think any new lines you can come up with will ever be able to beat, "Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:33:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:30:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not your best.
----
Many people say that on almost every post I write. We all wish that we can write posts that get better with every submission-- but it's not always the case.
I do apologize that this isn't my best, though. I can't shit gold.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn, I wish my off-posts could get these kind of ratings.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think any new lines you can come up with will ever be able to beat, "Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:46:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
OH! OH WHAT NOW HUH?! I'm ontop of Kristen! Ooh, yeah man! I pwnage j00. Fore serious. Mm, yes thats the stuff. I'm right on the money with the lean grilled pork chops.
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Umm...twhat?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All is well, Sideburns. I wasn't upset about it or anything, I was just explaining my position.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH! OH WHAT NOW HUH?! I'm ontop of Kristen! Ooh, yeah man! I pwnage j00. Fore serious. Mm, yes thats the stuff. I'm right on the money with the lean grilled pork chops.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
POST!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*I can't shit gold.*
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I can.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I know tinactin. I wasn't trying to be rude at all, but now that I look at it-- my reply looks rude.
I didn't mean for it to sound like that, and for that I'm sorry bro.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love your shit bro.
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I say "not your best", I am not meaning to imply that I am rating you unfairly, based on your previous posts. I just thought it was a +1 level post, and in that sense, not your best.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:30:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not your best.
----
Many people say that on almost every post I write. We all wish that we can write posts that get better with every submission-- but it's not always the case.
I do apologize that this isn't my best, though. I can't shit gold.
Submitted by Sarah_Lee (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not your best.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Justy. Will you be my boyfriend?
Or at least my boy toy? Even though you're actually older than me? Come on, I need a new toy. And I bet you don't even need batteries.
Come on, just a little? Then I can play with you at the aussie con. It'll be fun, I promise.
Dammit, why aren't you talking to me?
Oh right, I haven't submitted this reply yet....
Hah.. my bad....
I love you?
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not the funnist of your work, but still super awesome. keep up the great work!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would make me 20.
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never learned how to ride a bike.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were 8 in 1992 that would make you like.. 16.. 17, no wait.. 19 years old!
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-10-11 01:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment