For Your Eyes Only (693 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Disektor <random.address.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-11 04:14:07 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
Are you tired of paying big bucks for contacts that rip when you tear at them? How about glasses that break when reapeatedly run over by an SUV? Maybe you are you just plain tired of paying taxes? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions then this new miracle product may be for you! What is it you ask? It's Icansee, the latest product from the multi-square-foot company Udumfuk! Icansee is all-natural! The process is long and complex, but here's how it works! During rain storms exceptionally large buckets are placed strategically to collect the rain, and from there we pour newly formed Icansee directly into 4 ounce bottles!
The best part about Icansee is that it works by using your body's own natural reactions! By squirting gallons of high-pressure water into your eyes, they quickly become irritated and do what eyes do best when they come into contact with high-pressure liquids; they help you see better! Missing an eye? No problem! The high pressure of the water will stimulate the growth of an eye in the empty socket! Icansee even works on the blind!
Still not convinced? Iowas Reemed from Oklahoma is on the telephone right now to tell you her truly heartbreaking story, but let's see what she thinks about Icansee! Iowas, you can speak now.
"Well, I'm a little leery of purchasing any more products over the television after those bastards on channel 6 sold us some bad air in a bottle."
"What was wrong with the air Ma'am?"
"It was expired."
"Did you try to return the product?"
"Oh I most certainly did, but they refused to refund my money on account that I had opened the bottle!"
"Let me get this straight, they refused to refund your money despite the fact that when you received your air, it wasn't any good?"
"Oh yes sir, they claimed the bad air came from my house after I opened the bottle!"
"That is truly heartbreaking, Iowas. But with Icansee you don't have to worry about expired contents, because here at Udumfuk, we offer a full 30-second money back guarantee. No tricks, no gimmicks, this is an offer you won't get anywhere else!"
"Oh my, that offer sounds too good to be true!"
"But wait, there's more! If you purchase 499 bottles of Icansee at the low low cost of $60 per bottle, you'll get the 500th bottle for not 10, not 20, but 21 percent off! A savings of over $12!
"Well now that's an offer I can't refuse! I'll take 1000 bottles!"
"Wonderful Mrs. Reemed, I'll patch you through to a salesman now!"
Mrs. Reemed sure was convinced! If you haven't already rushed to your phone to order, then listen to this! If you call in the next 10 minutes we'll send you a sample of our newest untested drug, AidsBGone! AidsBGone uses the Aids virus to fight the Aids virus, eventually making each strain of Aids so weak that you can be cured of Aids simply by undergoing risky, multi-million dollar surgery! What a deal! AidsBGone also makes a wonderful gift for weddings and baptisms!
Here at Udumfuk corporation we constantly strive to keep the customer happy, so if you have any complaints, questions, or simply wish to know how to return your product, please call any of the following disconnected numbers: 1-800-555-5555; 1-800-555-5555; 1-800-555-5555! Operators aren't standing by!
Remember, Icansee is to be used on your eyes only! Use of Icansee anywhere else on the body can and will provide a cold, wet feeling.
Icansee is a registered trademark of Udumfuk Corporation.
Side effects may include: Nausea, Indigestion, Blindness, Constipation, Heart Failure, Death, Seizures, Anxiety, Difficulty breathing, Insomnia, Drowsiness, Dizziness, Sinus Inflammation, Diarrhea, Headaches, Cancer, Loss of bowel control, Sudden urge to vomit, Blood clots, Urinary tract infections, Coughing, Troubles swallowing, Loss of hair, Bloating, Abdominal cramps and pains, Vaginal inflammation, Fatigue, Abnormal secretion of milk, and Anal or genital sores.
User Reviews
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 11:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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