Ghost Hunting With GLALL (959 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2004-10-11 11:57:30 EDT
For as long as I have been able to clench a gun within my hands I have wanted to kill ghosts. I always saw them on television, throwing people around and scaring people into comas with their silly mysticism. Why couldn't I have these abilities? Walking through walls and whatnot? I've tried killing myself on several occasions but usually chicken out because I can't deal with the fact that I still haven't been able to pull of that triple somersault dive after I've been training for eight years.
I saw some sort of ghost special on television one evening and it re-ignited my passion to exterminate them. Who the fuck do they think they are just barging into people's bathrooms while they're doing the deed and acting like they are all badass just because they're dead? Do that to me ghost and I'll spray you with water and make you damp and generally uncomfortable. Then I will call you a loser and destroy you emotionally before I eventually bore you to death with my knowledge of the USA Patriot Act. No ghost can handle politics, it makes them insane with jealousy that they cannot express their opinion.
Since I know ghosts like I know isotopes and other smart stuff I decided that maybe I could make some money taking these bastards out. I would need a business partner though, and I only knew of one person to call...
Me: Hey! This is Bill Murray right?
Bill: Yes, who is this?
Me: Well Bill I have a proposition for you. You fought ghosts before in movies and you even made a sequel to Ghostbusters so I'm guessing you like what you do.
Bill: Making movies? It's my livelyhood, it's who I am, of course...
Me: What the fuck man? I'm talking about ghosts dude! Get me some of those guns that shoot ectoplasm or whatever it's called and let's get to frying these bitches! 8.99 an hour is what I pay and we work on holidays.
(click)
That son of a bitch. Never will I watch Groundhog Day again without thinking about how you rudely rejected my offer. I had to find someone else to fill his gigantic size 14 shoes, but who could be up for such a momentous task? I knew of one other man to call on, but I would have to use trickery and promises of pastries to entice him.
Me: Uh, is this Val Kilmer?
Val: Yes, who am I speaking with?
Me: Your future partner that's who! Now I know it's been about 10 years since you've worked in Hollywood so I figured that you would be willing to take about anything correct?
Val: Are you a director of some sort? I've been very selective about my roles lately...
Me: Uh.....yeah. I directed, Kangaroo Jack, and Howard the Duck. Oh and I directed Apocalypse Now.
Val: But...
Me: I am making a movie starring me and you where we hunt ghosts and go to little diners across the country and eat bacon and eggs and hardly ever talk to each other.
Val: Sounds a little avant-garde. I might be interested. How much will I offered?
Me: How much what? Sex? I guarantee nothing except a tranny handjob once we get to Reno.
Val: Hmm....this sounds so left field that I think it would be crazy enough to sell. I'm in.
Me: Fantastic. I made us capes and some cool masks yesterday so we can nail these suckers in style. I will be at your place in five minutes.
Val: Alright, let me give you the address...
Me: Silly Kilmer, directions are for women. I'll just drive around until I find it.
6 months later I met my new partner in crime. Once he put on his wolfman mask and cape he looked like a total pimp hellbent on ghost hunting. I brought a camera to ease Val into thinking that we were doing promotional shots for the movie, when in fact we would soon be risking our lives to save an ungrateful 6-year old handicapped kid who needs to learn some fucking manners before he gets his face bashed by some drunk truck driver who won't tolerate his lip.
We drove around until we heard some lady screaming on the street that her son was trapped in his room by supernatural forces and couldn't get out. We immediately rushed into the house and up the steps to his door which wasn't locked but mysteriously held shut, probably by dolphin ghosts or something.
I got a sledgehammer from the garage and hurried my way to the door. I broke the door after a few quick hits and saw an image that forever changed my life. Not Kilmer's though, he ran off like a little fag once I wielded the sledge. Did he think I was gonna hit him? Batman Forever sucked nuts anyways. Stick to making movies about porn stars Val so you don't have to talk so much, ass.
16 of our great American presidents were huddled around the boy, feverishly poking and prodding him for no apparent reason. Abe, Jefferson, Grover Cleveland, even Ike was there. Turner. Ike Turner's not even dead. But he was there, poking him all the same.
I unleashed my loudest warcry possible and attempted to spear Lincoln. After going right through his stomach I knew physicality wasn't going to get this done. Ike just sat there, laughing, when it hit me. Ike had conjured up these spirits to tease the boy after he made a crude remark to Ike about how he should go into boxing to satiate his cravings for bloodshed. Ike became enraged and unleashed his powers of the dead upon the child. I had to stop the source. I had to kill Ike Turner.
With rage in my eyes and a philly cheesesteak in my stomach I turned my attention to Ike, and swiftly ended his life with the sledgehammer. The Presidents slowly disappeared, and all returned to normal. The child mocked me for picking Val Kilmer as my sidekick and then berated me for attempting to spear the ghost of our 16th president. I took in his criticism with an unflinching eye, and promptly asked him what he has to live for since he is a freak of nature with no legs. He cried and cried and I was happy. No payment would be needed, I've been repayed with the childs tears of loss.
Okay so I'm not happy with myself for taunting a handicapped kid but so what? That little S.O.B was questioning my ghost hunting skills after I had just saved him! Not like I ran off before anything happened VAL. That'll teach me to actually credit actors as badasses in real life. I'll stick to hiring gorillas next time.
User Reviews
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You da man.
Submitted by Halo_Of_Retards (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Just wow. Creativity at it's finest. I totally thought you were copping out with Bill, then next thing I know there's Val Kilmer, dead presidents, and Ike Turner. Wow.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-13 21:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No ghost can handle politics, it makes them insane with jealousy that they cannot express their opinion.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-11 22:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty damn funny.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-10-11 14:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somehow your posts are getting even better.
You rock.
Submitted by Sean Cross <Beetlebub.at.aol.com> at 2004-10-11 14:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ike Turner and his power to raise the dead had me on the floor!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Silly Kilmer, directions are for women. I'll just drive around until I find it.
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A man among men.
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Silly Kilmer, directions are for women. I'll just drive around until I find it.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-11 13:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absofuckinglutely hilarious as always GLALL.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was generally satisfying.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cool Shlongy, that's your job and you gotta do it. Do I hate on policemen for doing their job? Yes.
Wait a second, you suck man! Ruiner! Expect a cow with HIV at your door in the next two days. He will bite you in your sleep and you'll be done man! DONE!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck...I ruined ANOTHER perfect score.
Actually, I like doing that.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can now say that I make people laugh hard enough that they pass waste via the sides of their stomach. Sweetness.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-11 13:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I collect spores, molds and fungus".
Dr. Venckman kicks ass.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA oooooh shit my sides
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Val: Alright, let me give you the address...
Me: Silly Kilmer, directions are for women. I'll just drive around until I find it.
6 months later I met my new partner in crime."
<dies laughing>
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
definitely some quotables in this one!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
politics, ghosts, and getting things wet. Who would have thought?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Me: Uh.....yeah. I directed, Kangaroo Jack, and Howard the Duck. Oh and I directed Apocalypse Now."
Solid 24-carat gold.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'll spray you with water and make you damp and generally uncomfortable"
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was very, very funny... i hope you feel all warm and plus twooey
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Me: Silly Kilmer, directions are for women. I'll just drive around until I find it."
You could've earned a +2 by posting this and nothing else.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-11 12:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Silly Kilmer, directions are for women. I'll just drive around until I find it.
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always a pleasure, GLALL.