Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Part I (465 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Davok (View user info) at 2004-10-11 17:55:11 EDT
In the year 2021, mankind finally made contact with life from outer space. What should have been a joyous occasion was quickly ruined by HATRED! BWAH BWAH BWAH! BWAH! BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH!
Santa Claus - WHAT?! President openly accepts Martian visitor?! Hopes for a better tomorrow for all of us?! Screw that bullshit! What ever happened to the good old days where we pillaged every new civilization we met and made them our own!
Mrs. Claus - What's your beef with the Martians you old bastard?
Santa Claus - My father was sexually harassed by a pirate before he died!
Mrs. Claus - A Martian pirate?
Santa Claus - He was a Martian?! God damn it that's it! I've been insulted for the last time! For you daddy, I'm gonna kill these bastards!
Santa began his idea, an awful, awful idea. A wonderful, awful, awful idea. Santa Claus was going to conquer the Martians! Santa Claus was off to conspire with Elvron, the Elf Captain, his best friend in the world.
Elvron - God damn it! We're on our break you slave driving horse fucker!
Santa Claus - I've got no time for your bickering Elvron, I need your help!
Elvron - What, are you choking on another candy cane?
Santa Claus - No! I need you to help me conquer the Martians!
Elvron - Wow....that's simply....wow....
Santa Claus - They've raped their last bear! It's time to take action!
Elvron - So what do you need me to do?
Santa Claus - Well, I need you to lead the troops, keep them motivated, cover up my plans, tuck me in at night, bring me my dinner, and ah yes, I'm gonna need you to take some photos of me with the lovely Mrs. Claus, you know, because they love a family man leader.
Elvron - ......anything else?
Santa Claus - Yes, I need you to cover up the truth behind this war!
Elvron - The truth?
Santa Claus - Yes! Don't tell them that I'm just doing this war because I want control of their snow reserves!
Elvron - ....I thought you wanted to start a war because they raped a bear?
Santa Claus - .....That too! GO ELVRON! THE FUTURE OF THE NORTH POLE IS COUNTING ON YOU!
The following message has been supported by Christopher W. Cringle. The Cringles love each other. In the year 1970, there were only 40 democracies in the world. Now there are over a million, all thanks to us! Soon there will be two more, in *Afghanistan and Mars! My name is Christopher W. Cringle, and I've approved this message.
*Democracy has debatable meanings, such as, bombing to ashes, killing civilians and placing a dummy president.
What few people don't know, is that Santa doesn't build toys for the joys of the children. He builds them because he's addicted to milk and cookies. There is also a bit of a miscalculation of good and bad children and coal. A good kid, is one who leaves him milk and cookies, and one who gets presents. A bad kid, is one who doesn't leave anything and gets coal, by coal, we mean several piles of shit in their stockings.
Elvron - Alright guys, I have an announcement!
Random elf - Does Santa want us to build more toys! Because we'll do it for all of those sweet children.
Elvron - No! We're going to war with the Martians!
Random elf 2 - But why? We've already started making toys for those cute little Martians!
Elvron - Because....uh....(what did that fat bastard tell me to say to these guys if they questioned....oh yeah) BECAUSE THEY'LL KILL US IF WE DON'T KILL THEM! 9 / 11! 9 / 11! REMEMBER 9 / 11!
Random elf 3 - How can some people be so cruel? That's it, we're going to war with Mars!
My fellow North Poleians, I regret to inform you that not just us, but the world is in threat by an axis of evil, composed of the following countries, Easter Island, the South Pole, and Mars. But we will not stand by and let the world be swept away. Men and women, boys and girls, it is important to know that we're fighting evil. Governments across the world have heard the cause. You're either with us, or you're with the terrorists.
With that, the war began. The North Pole first stuck the Martians at their landing point in Washington D.C.
President - I, President Al Sharpton, declare you Martians to be fine people.
Zandros The Martian King - Thank you Mr. President, we look forward to an interstellar renaissance.
Santa Claus - Not on my watch!
President - What the fuck?!
Santa Claus - Amend this, you carpet sniffer, alien handshaking prick!
The president was blown away with Santa's Italian sawn-off shotgun, "Chubby Kahn" as the secret service fumbled with their guns. Leaving them to scream "Papa! Papa!" Santa gazed at his new foes.
Zandros - I do not understand, why did you blow away your president?
Santa Claus - Not my president! I voted for Frosty! The only drug he's on is reindeer testicles!
Zandros - .....excuse me?
Santa Claus - Had he been voted president, we would have kicked your asses back to Mars!
Zandros - Where is all this hostility coming from? We had no intention of causing you any harm, we come in peace.
Santa Claus - If you don't get the fuck off my lawn now, YOU'LL GO IN PIECES!
Zandros bodyguard - Sir, if your life is at risk we have no choice but to leave.
Zandros - Fine, but I pray you'll reconsider, if anything, for the people of the planet.
Santa Claus - ....Go to hell.
The Martians went home, leaving Santa in a moment of silent rejoice.
Santa Claus - Ho ho ho! I sent those bastards to hell!
Elvron - Uh Santa?
Santa Claus - What?
Elvron - What are we going to do about America?
Santa Claus - America? Is that some kind of Saigon whore?
To be continued....
User Reviews
Submitted by Davok (user info) at 2004-10-12 17:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-11 21:39:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
this was really really dumb, but only a -1 because you at least tried
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Thank you, my quota of self-esteem has been filled for the week.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-11 20:19:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
I felt bad that you didn't have any reviews.
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Pity isn't putting food on my baby girl's table you translucent bastard!
Thank you, Davok Q. Rockefellxr
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-11 21:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
this was really really dumb, but only a -1 because you at least tried
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-11 20:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I felt bad that you didn't have any reviews.