There's No Place Like Home (551 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 0.33 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tony Montana <deenw.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-11 23:51:58 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
9:00 am
30th Street Station - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
"AGHHHHH...AGHHHHHH...AGHHHH ..."
The woman suddenly stood up from her table at the restaurant in the train station and looked frantically around, eyes watering, pointing to her throat in an effort to indicate that she was choking.
"URGHHHHH...AGHHHHH..."
People stood up and expressed concern among themselves. "What should we do?" was heard muttered here and there among the gathering crowd. The extraordinarily obese woman flailed frantically looking for help, running desperately into pockets of people hoping that someone would have the damn sense to implement the Heimlich maneuver. Most of the crowd, fearful of lawsuits and of having to touch this leviathan, simply moved aside and let her flail some more while they muttered concern and hoped that someone else would help her.
The woman, whose face was quite blue at this time, turned to run towards another group of people to seek help but slipped on a ketchup packet laying on the ground, sending her huge body crashing down into a chair, stomach first, sending a solid, unchewed, fully intact chicken McNugget soaring across the room and hitting a young stylishly dressed blonde woman in the face.
"Ewwwww," said the blonde woman.
"EWW?!!" said the gasping obese lady after catching her breath. "EWW??!! You fucking people. I was choking and none of you miserable bastards even bothered to help me? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??"
While the crowd embarrassedly returned to the seats, at the other end of the restaurant a man, seated with two others, began laughing hysterically.
"Jimmy what the fuck is so funny?" demanded Robert.
"That lady," replied Jimmy, in between coughs and attempts to control his laughter, "she was going crazy!"
"She was choking you dumbass. What about that do you find particularly funny? Is it the part where her wind pipe is blocked, preventing her from breathing? If that's what you thought was so goddamn funny then I can go ahead and shove my boot down your throat and we'll see how fucking funny you think that is."
"Robert, will you relax...I just said I thought it was funny. And stop calling me Jimmy. I converted to Hinduism two years ago. My name is Sanjay."
"James Maxwell Seaton is your God-given Christian name and that's what I'm gonna call you goddamnit. I'm not going to be a part of your dumbass idea of worshiping fucking livestock."
"We don't worship livestock you brutus. Cows are simply considered holy due to the fact that..."
"C'mere you lil son of a bitch," said Robert as he reached across the table to grab Jimmy and pummel him.
"GUYS GUYS GUYS!!" yelled an exasperated Ben, sitting between the two. "Will you please for once cut this fucking shit out? We have a lot of work to do. The drop goes down in under two hours and you morons can't stop jerking around."
The two quieted down immediately as they exchanged grimaces and Ben sighed heavily. Being the middle child, he had been mediating fights between his two brothers ever since he could remember. If this deal goes down without a hitch then we will be fucking golden, he thought to himself. Everyone will be a lot happier once we get this money.
"Okay," said Ben, satisfied that he had their attention. "Let's go over the plan one more time."
"How many times do we have to go over this plan?" asked Robert. "We've heard this shit a million times."
Ben stared at him without speaking. "Robert, do you remember what happened on June 6th of last year?"
"How the fuck am I supposed to know what happened then?"
Ben and Jimmy both looked at Robert in disbelief for several seconds.
"BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY. You don't even remember your goddamn birthday and you're asking me why we're going over this plan again?!"
"Okay okay," replied Robert. "Go ahead and lets hear the plan again."
Ben quickly grabbed a napkin, pulled out a pen, and began detailing the plan once more for his two brothers.
11:15am
Citizen's Bank, Penn Center
The three brothers sat in silence in the car in the parking lot outside the bank. Robert, sitting in the passenger seat, noisily eating a cheesesteak, turned to face his youngest brother in the back.
"Hey Jimmy, have a bite of this cheesteak."
"The name is Sanjay, and I don't eat beef," replied Jimmy in a disgusted voice.
"Oh what the fuck ever. You know you miss eating this stuff. How many times can you eat fucking salad and grass before you go crazy?"
"I'm happy with my 'salad and grass' just fine. Now please turn around and eat with your damn mouth shut."
"Hey," replied Robert. "What do you think they fertilize all them vegetables with? Cow shit. So basically, while I'm eating cow meat, you're eating cow shit. Either way one of them 12 armed gods of yours ain't gonna be too happy about it and he's gonna give you a baker's dozen of bitch slaps."
At that last comment, Jimmy leapt up to the front seat and wrestled with Robert, and given the cramped environment of the car, this proved to be little more than an aggressive slap-fest. Ben quickly intervened, grabbing the two and using all his effort to separate them.
"DAMNIT you guys, fucking settle down," yelled Ben. The two brothers quickly settled back to their original positions. "Now look over there." He pointed to the parked armored car. "The drop is going to happen at any minute. When the security guard comes out of the bank, that's when we move."
Ben spotted one of the guards coming out of the bank carrying two large cases. "Okay, let's roll," he said.
The three got out of their car and began walking towards the armored vehicle, their plan replaying over and over in their thoughts. They had practiced and rehearsed for this so many times that there was hardly a drop of nervousness among the three.
As the three approached the car and came closer, the realization of what was about to go down dawned on them and anxiety began to slowly appear. However, it was not enough to unnerve them. They were prepared and ready.
Just as they had planned, Ben moved to speak to the guard who was preparing to load the cases into the back of the armored truck. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a low flying bird going at full speed crashed into the driver side window, killing itself on impact and creating a loud PAANGG as it did so. The guard dropped the cases of money and pulled out his gun and swung around; as he did so, the driver got out of the car and had his gun cocked, looking to see what had caused the sound.
The three brothers stopped in their tracks. FUCK, thought Ben...what the fuck! This is going to screw up everything. Just be calm...don't make any hasty movements.
"Hehe," laughed Ben casually in the direction of the guard. "That dumbass bird didn't realize you can't fly through glass."
When the security guards saw the dead bird lying on the ground they chuckled. They then saw the outstretched imprint of a bird plastered on the driver side window and both guards began to laugh harder.
"Holy shit...now THAT is funny...hahaha," said the driver as both men began to laugh.
Ben feigned laughter as well, wondering to himself how they would proceed from here. His whole plan was to keep the two guards separated and then attack. He pondered how to resolve this newfound problem. However, Robert had already resolved that issue and charged ahead. Oh my fucking shit, thought Ben.
The guard turned as he heard the thumping of feet behind him only to be met with a steel toed boot right to his groin. "OH FUCKKK," shouted the guard as he crumpled to the ground. The driver stared in his disbelief as his friend lay on the ground screaming. He reached for his gun but it was too late. Ben had descended upon him, spraying a can of Mase directly into his eyes.
"Jimmy, get the fucking money and throw it in the trunk!" screamed Ben at his brother. Jimmy complied, struggling to lift the heavy cases and dragging them to the car. Robert, seeing the difficulty he was having, rushed to help him as a crowd of onlookers appeared.
"BEN, lets go!" screamed Robert. Ben turned to leave but looked back at the guards. One of them moaning and grabbing his testicles, the other rubbing his eyes and clutching his face in his hands. He realized that they had seen their faces and something must be done about it.
Ben walked coolly up to the guard clutching his testicles, realizing he would be easier to deal with. He reached into the man's back pocket, and pulled out his wallet. He flipped it open, found the driver's license, and then tossed the wallet aside.
"Hey, buddy, you see this?" he asked the guard, holding the license up. The guard looked back through his tears, and nodded. "Well now that you've seen us, we've seen you." Ben began to read off the license. "3011 Park Haven. There's no place like home, muthafucker. We know exactly where you live. If anyone comes after us we'll fucking kill you." With that he turned, and ran towards the car, hopped in, and sped off.
12:05 pm
Roxborough Area - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
"That's us, turn it up, they're talking about us!" yelled Jimmy nervously from the backseat.
Ben turned up the volume on the police scanner. "Suspects were seen leaving the bank and heading on 76-W. Please be advised -"
"FUCK," yelled Robert, not concealing any anxiety or fear. "They know exactly what we look like and what kinda car we're driving. We gotta get somewhere quick."
Ben didn't feel safe going anywhere except his own house, but he realized his brother was right. It was way too risky to be driving around right now, especially when the cops knew what direction they were headed. He jerked the car hard to the left onto a narrow two-lane street. Houses were lined up along either side, trees heavily blanketing the entire street. He quickly pulled in behind a car parked on the side of the road.
"Get out and grab the cases," Ben ordered. Everyone jumped out of the car, Robert grabbed both cases. Ben and Jimmy grabbed the car cover from the trunk and draped it over the vehicle.
"Umm..Ben?" asked Jimmy.
"What?"
"Where do we go from here?" Jimmy asked. Robert turned and looked at Ben, wondering the same question as well.
Ben thought for a second before responding quickly. "Well here's the way I see it. The only people home at this hour are fat ass housewives and kids sick with the flu. So we pick a house at random, knock on the door, and pimp slap the hell out of the fat ass bitch who answers. Then we hang out in her house for a couple hours, let the cops run around a bit. Then we tie up the lady, steal her car, and make a break for it before anyone notices."
Robert and Jimmy looked at each other quizzically.
"DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER IDEA??" Ben yelled in exasperation. The two didn't, so they proceeded to the front door of the house in front of them.
DINGDONGDINGDONG. Ben rang the doorbell repeatedly. "Even better, no one's here." Ben tried the handle. Locked. He turned to Robert.
Robert kicked the door in easily, bits of wood splintering as he did. The three of them shut the door behind them, using the chain lock to keep it latched. They then headed upstairs to settle down for the next few hours.
For the next 45 minutes they sat in silence. Jimmy quietly read an issue of "Home & Garden" while Ben sat and pondered over their situation in his head. Robert gleefully was immersed in an episode of "The Price Is Right."
"I'll bid 900, Bob," said one contestant. "Umm....I"ll bid 901, Bob!" said another.
"Oh my Jesus, what a fucking bitch move!!" yelled Robert at the television. "If someone did that to me I would kick them in the nuts!"
Ben and Jimmy turned and looked at Robert, who then quieted down and pumped his fist in silent anger at the contestants on TV.
Then all three heard a rattling downstairs.
"What the FUCK is this??" yelled the voice from downstairs.
All three bothers sat up paralyzed in fear as they looked at one another. Robert immediately pressed the 'mute' button on the remote control.
"First the shit at the bank and now this bullshit? You gotta be fucking kidding me," came the voice from downstairs.
Ben motioned to Jimmy to have a look. Jimmy violently shook his head no but Ben gave him a stern look which convinced him. He slowly opened the door and peeked outside. He then turned his head back with a look of dread on his face.
"It's the security guard from the bank!" Jimmy whispered.
Ben and Robert looked at one another, then back at Jimmy. "Which one?" asked Ben.
"The one Robbie kicked in the testicles."
Ben wished he was packing heat. He specifically planned this heist so that guns wouldn't be necessary, so that just in case they were to be caught, the charges would not be as severe. He was now regretful of that decision. He motioned for his brothers to come closer. He then whispered his plan. "Okay guys, we gotta take this guy out quick. But he's armed and we're not. However, there are three of us. So the element of surprise is crucial. Look around for something hard you can throw at him. Then we'll charge at him and try to disarm him. We need to do this before he calls the cops about his door."
The three stood up and crept towards the door, looking for something heavy and round to hurl at the guard's head. Then, interrupting the silence, "JULIE BUELLER COME ON DOWN!!" Robert had mistakenly stepped on the mute button. The three looked at each other in a panic as they heard footsteps racing up the stairs.
"OH SHIT!!" yelled Ben. "Grab something!!" The three frantically looked around for something to pick up. Robert leapt behind the door, Ben grabbed a halfway deflated basketball, and Jimmy struggled to lift the television set. Suddenly the door burst open. When the security guard saw Jimmy and Ben his jaw dropped.
"You mother fuckers..." the guard said. Before completing his sentence Ben launched the deflated basketball at his head. Robert then slammed the door against the guard, knocking him down. As he fell his gun went off and shot Ben in his kneecap.
"OHH FUCK!" yelled Ben as he fell to the ground. Robert tackled the guard and wrestled with him for control of the gun.
"Jimmy!! Get the fuck over here and help me!!" Robert yelled as he and guard grappled.
Jimmy, having finally managed to pick up the TV, waddled slowly over to the two. "I'm coming Robert...I'll drop this on his fucking head."
Robert looked in disbelief as Jimmy waddled at an incredibly slow pace. "Jimmy put that fucking TV down and get the fuck over here!!" he yelled.
"I'm coming, Robert. And my name is SANJAY."
"Listen to me you Hindu fuck. If I die you better believe I'm gonna come back re-incarnated as a bear or some other big ugly ass beast, and we both know that I am going to find you and RAPE YOU UP YOUR SKINNY ASS. Now get the fuck over here and help me!"
Jimmy dropped the television and ran to help his brother. He dived into the struggling pair and attempted to grapple the gun away. As the three rolled around, two more shots fired into the ceiling, sending bits of dust and plaster down. Finally, through the course of their struggle they managed to get to their feet, all three hanging on for dear life to the gun. Robert, then in a fit of rage, shoved the trio in the direction of a closet, kneeing the guard once more in his already sensitized testicles, hurling him in the closet, and slammed the door.
"QUICK, prop the door shut...he's still got the gun!"
Jimmy shoved a chair under the handle of the door. Ben looked up from a pool of blood. "Guys," Ben said. "Everyone in the fucking neighborhood heard those shots. Help me up and lets get the fuck out of here quick." Jimmy and Robert quickly grabbed Ben to pick him up. As they did they heard loud thumping against the closet door.
"COME ON!" yelled Ben. The three ran down the stairs and to their car as the closet door burst open, the security guard limping out, clutching his groin in pain.
"Those bastards!" he yelled. He limped over to a chair...sat down and let his head fall back, trying to swallow all the day's events as "The Price is Right" blared in the background.
He lifted his head and got up to turn off the TV, as the sound of Bob Barker's voice was giving him an intolerable headache, when something caught his eye: the cases.
Could that be the money, he thought to himself, as he hobbled over to them. He knelt down with much effort and pain, one knee at a time. He carefully pulled one of the cases towards him, and popped open the cover. He gazed in silence at what he saw before him.
In front his eyes were stacks and stacks of one-hundred dollar bills, crisp, untouched, and arranged in neat little rows. He picked up the phone to call the police and let them know what had happened. Then he realized...Hey, the cops still think those guys stole the money, he thought to himself. Thoughts of mortgage payments, credit card bills, his kids' tuition raced through his head.
A thin smile crept along his lips as he put the phone back down. "There's no place like home," he whispered quietly to himself as he shut the case.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-09-27 04:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This one proves how you suck.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-01-19 21:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You got crushed on this one but it's actually pretty good. For a med student.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 11:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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