My father's knives. (633 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.17 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <queensowntalia.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-12 01:11:27 EDT
Vodka flows through my veins. Apple vodka mixed with diet Vanilla coke (don't knock it till you've tried it). It feels good and bad at the same time. It takes the edge off black reality, adds pleasant fuzziness, but lurks at the bottom of my stomach, a promise of future nausea.
I want to do it. Badly. I probably will.
My situation: 27 years old and living in a room at my parents home. I'm such a winner.
That's besides the point. I share this room with my father's entire knife collection.
They range in size from a couple of inches right up to a full-fledged machete.
Not all are particularly sharp.
Over the course of the last couple months, I've discovered this.
Some are sharper than others. Some are preferable.
I dont know what leads to it. The urge to take these knives and cut my arms up. Slice them. Drawing blood is optimal - the desired result. I want to see that thin line of copper-flavored red appear across my arm. Anything less is a failure. An abysmal attempt.
Even now I have the fading marks from previous sessions. Still dark red with dried blood. Boring. They don't even hurt any more.
Why do I want this? I don't want to die. I don't seek oblivion, except in that sweet poisonous alcohol, a dulling of the senses. I'm not ready to abandon the sunrise and sunset. Something about each sweet painful slice (I have to be drunk to do it properly, lowering pain tolerance, raising acceptance), the thin line of blood. Its about feeling special.
I have a secret. It makes me special. Instead of bland, not too intelligent, not too liked, few friends, I'm special. Oh yes, each mark on my arm, something no one knows. (except, apparently, an online community of anonymous internet users. Go figure.)I savor that feeling. I cling to it. Theres not much else to cling to.
Id like to really gash myself one of these days. Watch the blood flow down my arm. Wonder if I would pass out. But its all about pain tolerance. Mine is low, and few of my father's knives remain sharp.
The urge. Its there every day, buried, lurking. I don't feel guilty for having this need. Does that make me a nutcase? Perhaps... what makes one crazy, anyway.
Any one thing you think about yourself, one need your have, might be interpreted by others as insanity. There's a thought for you. The definition of insanity, and who establishes it, and if they, themselves, don't posess their own versions.
Its dark outside. And within. I'm looking at the knives. I'll choose soon. It will take some testing, but i'm sure i'll find one sharp enough.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-10-15 13:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*looks at the scars*
*looks at the screen*
you'll get over it, either find help, or learn to cope :)
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-10-15 13:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because you cut yourself, you god damned tool.
I'm damn tired of seeing depressing writing on ubersite. Its just too easy to make people feel sorry for you and get a +2 because you can write shit piled on shit and sugar-coated in shit.
-2 maybe you'll slit your wrists and make my day better, die.
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2004-10-15 13:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey there young lady, go to Mass, you can find hope there if you relly want to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and do something about it. Hurting yourself is ridiculous. Grow up. Stop cutting. There are plenty of people willing to help. Just be happy you were not born the daughter of an Afgahni farmer. Then you might have something to feel sorry about.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-12 21:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Just remember, cut down the street, not across the road
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-10-12 10:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brave post.
I'm similar to you, still with the elders - Only i smoke lots of pot, and play with my balls instead.
I do have a chicken scratch scar though. From a victorious chicken scratch contest during schooling. 12 years ago, and still scarred. What a winner.
Seriously though, I don't understand and I have nothing to say of any use to you.
Other than;
Life sucks sometimes
&
It could be a lot worse - You have a roof over your head, most probably carpet under foot, decorated supporting walls, loft insulation, living parents, body hair, okay maybe you have a mono-boob, but that's not that bad, several knives, some sharp, bowel movements, involuntary winking eye, blood, receipts for the recent anal bleaching session, an ability to post on ubersite, and use spell check, and above all, a cracking personality.
ps. don't take the above, or anything else, too seriously.
Submitted by PeteyD4 (user info) at 2004-10-12 07:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Can't fully minus2 this cause its well written but people that cut themselves piss me off. My mate used to do it, why didn't he just come to me for help? Because he loved the drama and self pity. There's something romantic about it isn't there? We've all been miserable. Ienjoyed the attention a little too much last time and had to slap myself in the face to get away from it. I suggest you do the same
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-10-12 06:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are getting a -2 cos your TOO FUCKING OLD to be chicken scratching. Grow the fuck up.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-10-12 06:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's OK to feel the way you do. Just keep hanging in there and striving to do the little things that you need to do to get where you want to be.
Keep the faith.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-12 04:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48069
vote any color just vote!
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-12 03:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes.
+2 for the "Desparate cry for help."
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-10-12 02:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by mporter88 <uber88> at 2004-10-12 01:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You will never find one sharp enough
to cut away what is wrong,
to prune off the offending piece,
to carve down deep enough to make a difference.
What is wrong is not contained within a piece of you.
It is not located at any particular spot
or to be found leaking from some broken thing that you contain.
It is the whole you that needs shaping, not your body.
A good word and a backrub might help.
A kiss from a friend or a parent or a lover might do some good.
But the final solution, the one that makes a difference,
will rise like smoke from the battle that you must wage with yourself.
Apathy must fall to vigor.
Self pity must die at the tip of your mental knife.
Potential will always defeat fear if given the chance.
Everyone fights to find what is good in themselves.
So fight.
Choose not the victims road.
Your next few breaths are the only true riches that you possess.
Count each one.
Breath
Breath
Breath.
Submitted by queensowntalia (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really am. I dont care if you're distainful. I'm well aware that some random internet person has no idea what it is to live my life. :) I guess maybe it was a bad idea to post this. But at least it was well written, eh? There's that.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Only stoopid pseudo-deep 15 year old drama queens cut themselves. If you really are 27, i feel sorry for you (and not in any kind of sympathetic way, just disdainful). If you want, i'm sure you can find good sharps ones on the net. Failing that, i'll mail you one.
I really have seen better.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I like how you wrote this, even though I'm super critical and negative of posts about self-mutilation.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just like your imagery, not gory or grotesque, nor vague. I've read a million self injury posts, stories, and (sadly) poems and i like how you wrote about yours.
Submitted by queensowntalia (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hehhe no. Just a machete. Didnt think about swords and such. I dont think my dad's into those. mostly the smaller knives. I think he appreciates the artistry of them, rather than the destructive properties.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Unless your uncle owns a rapier (sword). Does he?
Submitted by queensowntalia (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps. if so, oh well. I'll take whatever is coming. At least it doesnt rhyme with rape. :P
Submitted by ZeroSignal (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Big -2 fest coming.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-12 01:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to stay away from Lojope then.....