I don't understand a word you just said... (1278 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.6 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-12 19:09:53 EDT
Those dim downlights shine on polished wood and the clean glasses behind the bar. Reflections from a thousand surfaces please the eye and give an illusion of luxury that's difficult to attain in this small lounge bar somewhere in the north of Holland.
He's telling a story to his friends. I watch his face, animated and lively... I watch the deep blue eyes that meet mine from time to time as if to make sure I'm still here. He's speaking in english. They all are, out of respect for me. I love him for it; I love them for it. But I already heard this story, and no matter how good his English is, he still struggles for a word sometimes. I catch his attention with one finger on the back of his hand, and give him that sideways grin and small nod that is the signal, developed within a week of being here, that tells him it's okay.
With visible relief, he drops the English and reverts to his native Dutch. The effect on the rest of the table is always fascinating to me. Shoulders loosen, faces light up in an insant. The conversation picks up a notch and the soft guttural sounds of a language I don't understand flow around me.
There is something soothing about not being expected to speak. I don't understand what's being said, therefore I am freed from the burden of having an opinion. I can look around the room and watch the other people here without fear of being thought of as rude. If I want to speak, I can; they'll just speak English again as soon as I make a comment. But for now, this is nice. Calming.
It's strange, being here. I've always been articulate and well spoken; it covers my alarming lack of education rather nicely. I know a lot of big words, and I use them well. (I still, however, haven't been able to find a use for 'defenestrated'. Suggestions would be appreciated.) I'm witty and quick. And none of matters a bit here. I'm far more likely to be appreciated for my weak attempts at beginners Dutch than for cleverly phrased jokes and stories. You know those inflections you give a word or phrase, that make it funny beyond the literal meaning? Totally unnoticed here. Blank stares ensue.
I go to the store to buy things that are unfamiliar. (I've looked, all up, for a total of four hours for minced ginger and can't find it anywhere. There are more kinds of cheese, however, in an average supermarket than I've ever seen anywhere in my life.) I speak English to the cashiers, and they respond in Dutch. I've learned to count in Dutch just so I can understand how much money to give people. I don't mind it; they don't expect conversation. They babble at me, I smile uncomprehendingly, and we both go on our way more enriched people.
However.
I know, now, just enough Dutch to be able to conduct simple transactions. I can say please, thank you, yes, no, and I'll have two of those, please. And when I take a deep breath and launch into it, they immediately respond in English. It's as if they're saying "We know what you are. You can't fool us."
Sometimes, I ache to hear my language spoken without hesitation, without those pauses while a word is searched for. Unfortunately, all I have (besides overseas phone calls home) is the Discovery channel, and everybody there has a British accent. I've started to like Rex Hunt's Fishing Adventures just because Rex sounds like I do. The shame of that is overwhelming.
A woman approached me today. She spoke so quickly, so determinedly, that I couldn't get a word in edgewise to explain that I speak English. When she finally paused expectantly, after what felt like forever, I smiled weakly and said "I don't understand a word you just said." She shrugged, muttered something, and wandered away. I still have no idea what she wanted. I hope it wasn't "There's been an accident, you call the ambulance and I'll find some ice for his severed arm."
Now, there was no point to this, other than my need to wallow in the English language for a while. So here is an equally pointless picture I took of Dam Square.
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dutch are funny.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-10-26 01:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastisch schriftuur. +2
Submitted by Sunshine <SunnyDelight930.at.gmail.com> at 2004-10-24 18:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi Circe,
I've emailed you before trying to get permission to use your entries but haven't received any reply. I'm just trying again. Please email me at SunnyDelight930.at.gmail.com
Sunshine
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-18 15:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I find it annoying that we always have to adapt for these poor english speaking people when they visit us. And that they still have the balls to even mention we have flaws in our english when they will never even try to say more than hello in your language.
Makes me want to bitch-slap some common sense into them.
Still well written though.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-10-18 12:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know and like that feeling as well, not being expected to add to the conversation. If you really do feel the need to understand what they are saying better my advice would be to get a really good buzz on. I always seem to understan more of a foreign language when I and others around me are inebriated. Maybe it is because they are more animated or I am picking up on something that normally slips by my consciousnes, or more likely I just make up meanings in my head.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-10-18 12:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....blah blah blah
I loved this. not a big shocker there.
Submitted by Dano (user info) at 2004-10-16 21:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CUT YOU!! I CUT YOU REAL SLOW, BITCH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48663
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-16 21:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, laser.
Giant laser embedded in a steel street-laser embedding device, running
across a street. With some kind of motion or consciousness sensor hidden
on the side of a building. So when people, or perhaps just certain people,
walked by, a laser pulse flashed across the street. Woo-hoo! Those crazy
Dutch peoples! It's the kind of thing they do there, I guess. My friends
saw it, too and they were "sober." Or maybe they were just humoring me...
I'll never know. The 8-foot tall Dutchman with a machine gun who, after
correcting my English, allowed me to leave the country, made it clear I
should never return, or I would be trapped inside the fairy ring forever
and even if I escaped, when I returned to Ixtlan I would think I was
speaking regular language but would actually be talking gibberish and
no one could understand me, ever again. Hey, wait a minute....
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-16 20:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Drfegg - I'm afraid to order anything, anywhere. I just point at the menu and grunt.
Except for koffie verkeerd. I learned that on my first day. Also, whimpering for vodka seems to be universally understood.
Laser?
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-16 20:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sitting at a cafe in the plaza in Eindhoven, I read directly from a travel guide
the Dutch phrase for "it's a nice day." The server brings me back a giant waffle.
"Pils," I say, heroically. She brings me a beer. "Dank u," I say. The woman at the
table next to me puts her cigarette out in my waffle and stalks off. I see with my
x-ray vision that she is wearing orange undergarments. Later, I spend a brief
eternity trying to understand why there is a motion-activated laser installed in
one of the streets. My favorite bar was called "The Tipsy Duck." I lived a million
lifetimes in the alley behind that bar. Ah, the Kingdom of the Netherlands....
Well, at least "pils" worked. Just remember: never order an Orangeboom in an Amstel bar.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-16 20:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my ejaculation was so powerful she was defenestrated in a flurry of warm white wetness and a rush of absolute bliss.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-13 07:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark - well, of course. Who else would I think of when I picture severed limbs?
Coyote - I've noticed that, too. The drunker i get, the more I feel I can understand what they're saying. Of course, I'm wrong, but it makes them laugh... with me. With me. I just keep telling myself that.
Death Jester - They're actually sitting on the steps of the War Monument, where I was standing to take that. It does look like a road, though.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-10-13 06:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for people sitting in the middle of the street.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-13 00:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ik wil graag een Grolsch, dankje."
North of Holland? Friesland? ewwwwwwwww...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-13 00:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's goddmamn good you sexy little bitch.
My boner salutes you!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-12 22:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rule 1: When people tell you "95% of Dutch people speak perfect English", remember to divide by two to account for all the friendly folks who just don't wanna. This category of people comprises employees of the Aliens Police, Tax Office, and your landlord, but not telemarketers or the guys who ask you for change on the street.
Rule 2: The more Grolsch you drink, the more dutch sounds exactly like english. Or german with a strong scottish accent.
Rule 3: If you really, really need to hear English, you can always watch reruns of Frasier and Friends on V8. You may prefer not to though. Too bad fucking BBC2 stopped showing the Simpsons, those retarded English cunts.
And the dutch are only laid back by comparison to the Swiss and Germans. Doubt me? I got a speeding ticket for going 51 kph in a 50 zone.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-12 22:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting story. I was riding the bus last night home from work and I heard conversations in five different languages and none of them were English. I was only able to follow two of them.
I know it's fairly petty, but people who use words wrong irk me. You don't know what it means, look it up before you use it. Defenestrate = to throw something or someone through a window. Unless you're John Holmes, I doubt you'll be throwing someone's ass out a window with your dick.
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2004-10-12 21:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There's been an accident, you call the ambulance and I'll find some ice to defenestrate his severed arm in." ?
dutch = +2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There's been an accident, you call the ambulance and I'll find some ice for his severed arm."
- Please tell me you were thinking of me when you wrote that.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Myst nearly caused me to defenestrate my computer.
One of my friends said that, not me.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You want to throw her arse out a window with your dick?
Quite a feat.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe this'll help.
"I'd like to defenestrate your ass with my throbbing member."
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And then I defenstrated his ass right out into the street"
I actually used it in a conversation once, but I don't remember how. +2 for large words.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love to, mate. But my brother is borrowing the private jet for the weekend.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the fish was defenestrated on the freeway.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-12 19:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, i thought i saw you eating a cheese toastie at The Old Bell.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love Holland. The time I spent there was amazing, everyone is so laig back there.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a truly lousy swimmer, Scott. You come to Holland.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-12 19:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to England!!!