AJ Looks For Love In All The Wrong Places (942 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.31 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Quartermain (View user info) at 2004-10-13 11:29:32 EDT
Every word of this post is completely true. Honestly. Would I fleece ewe? I'd be too sheepish. Besides, if it were false, my reputation would suffer. I'd have to go on the lam.
AJ has recently been complaining to Donkey and I about his lack of female companionship. Apparently his last girlfriend dumped him after he asked her to wear a fleece hood with little ears on it and say that she'd been a baaaad girl. He admitted that this might not have been the brightest move on his part, due to the fact that she was the only girl in Iowa he wasn't related to in some degree. But neither of us thought he would stoop as low as he apparently has.
The two of us were considering staging an intervention for him after he was caught by his little sister masturbating to the Farm Report, but we were alerted by an anonymous informant that the situation had degenerated even further than that. Having honed his pimpology on random AIM bots, he has apparently ventured into the tawdry world of Internet dating/personal ads. The service he has chosen goes by the name of 'Brutally Honest Personals' (http://www.esquire.com/brutal/index.html) and features such sparkling gems of conversation as:
PretentiousTheatreChick: And despite having a large stomach and excess facial and body hair from polycystic-ovary syndrome, I am extremely picky.
WhinyFatChick: I am a grossly overweight, divorced single mother with more issues than The National Enquirer.
JuneLockhart'sUglySister: My health is good except for the herpes, chronic depression, the two heart attacks I had last year, the sciatica, the degenerative joint disease and the fact that I am a recovering drug addict, a recovering bulimic, a recovering shopaholic, and a recovering sex addict.
SadSadManWithNoReasonToLive: I'm short, not that attractive, a little fat, and have a very small penis. I also have a problem with excessive farting.
Despite what you might think, that last one was not Michael Moore. Really. I checked. All of these horrors paled, though, in light of the personal ad that AJ had been Brutally Honest enough with himself to compose. Here it is, in all its uncensored glory:
I live in an ass-crack cow-town in Iowa. I'm a college student majoring in Accounting, although I had to be told that CPA did not stand for 'Continuously Porking Animals.' I look like Ichabod Crane in the Disney cartoon version of 'Legend of Sleepy Hollow.' I'm freakishly tall and look taller because I'm skinnier than dental floss. I live with my parents and get pants-wetting drunk off of one bitch beer. My girlfriend recently broke up with me after she caught me staring at her family's pet sheep. Have pity on me and allow me to experience non-bovine love. Please.
Donkey and I were appalled. There was nothing we could do for him now except wait for the distant echo-y thud that would accompany our friend hitting rock bottom.
Epilogue: AJ recently emailed me telling me that he had found his soul-mate through the personals site; apparently a December wedding is planned. He emailed me a picture of the two of them and after I finished clawing my eyeballs out, I persuaded the orderly at the sanatorium I live at now to attach the picture and upload this post.
User Reviews
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-10-14 13:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uberboard sent me here.
I am lost and seem to have eaten my leg.
Please help.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-14 01:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i am extremely sensitive to punnage
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-14 01:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-14 01:04:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
"Would I fleece ewe? I'd be too sheepish. Besides, if it were false, my reputation would suffer. I'd have to go on the lam."
NO
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I actually thought that was one of the funnier parts myself. Eh. Can't please everyone.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-14 01:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Would I fleece ewe? I'd be too sheepish. Besides, if it were false, my reputation would suffer. I'd have to go on the lam."
NO
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-10-14 00:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's so boney. That's just sick.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-13 16:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:42:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
selfamorousaj
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-13 15:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-13 13:24:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is very punny.
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HA!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-10-13 13:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sheep are the most loving of all the woolen animals.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-13 13:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is very punny.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-13 13:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The June Lockhart relative thing doesn't sound too shabby...
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-13 13:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great, now whenever I read anything by AJ I'm going to have that picture in my mind. Thanks a bunch.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-10-13 12:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-13 12:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful. AJ, don't cry. Dry your eye, here comes your mama with those two little guys.
Those two guys would be me and Quartemain, bitch.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-10-13 12:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm freakishly tall and look taller because I'm skinnier than dental floss"
awesome, just awesome.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AJ bashing? +2.
Naked AJ (and even if it's not, it's some naked guy porking a sheep)? -4.
-2. But don't die.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
selfamorousaj
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Double-post? HAHA Apparently Quartermain must be a bit drunk, as he posted the same damn post a minute ago, with an attachment of the post in its Microsoft Word format. Here's my comments.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:36:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Or should I say, "ewes"?
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Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:35:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You didn't even attach the picture you were going to use.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:34:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. This means war.
Both you bitches are mine.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! This was fucking great my man! I love hearing tales of other people's depression and loneliness mocked to no end. And what's so wrong with wanting to sleep with a sheep? They're so gorgeous with their silky black legs and ample wool.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-10-13 11:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahhahahhahahaha