Uncle Tom's Restaurant (542 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.43 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Davok (View user info) at 2004-10-13 22:16:30 EDT
It began as a normal day. I was wiping off a table, getting lost in the hypnotic clockwise motion of the hand, when I heard the familiar sound of slapping gums. The sounds came closer, and closer, until I began seeing ripples in the water. Soon I could feel the very breath of the beast against my neck. She spoke, "Bostwhick! What are you doing here! That fine young couple over there needs water!" Apparently Jane had entered her second menopause, her vagina contained the Great Chicago Fire. I noticed that fine young couple (who were in their fifties) had plenty of water. The man missing half, the woman a quarter. I reasoned with Jane, yet I've come to learn you can't reason with animals.
The smacking of her gums increased at a rapid rate, so rapid I believed her gums would crumble under the excessive force of the smacking. She began shaking, for a moment I believed she may have Parkinson's Disease. Then she screamed "Bostwhick! I've had it with your smart allecky attitude!" "This is it?" I thought to myself. "This is how I'm going to get fired from my first job?" No, these were just the ingredients in a recipe for disaster. She ran to the kitchen, I figured to hand me my severance check. She would hand me severance alright.
She ran from the kitchen carrying a frying pan in her hands, which held hot, smoking bacon and hot, smoking bacon grease. She screamed at me like a banshee. To this day, I've never seen a bulbous monstrosity move with such quick and vengeful force. She was a matter of feet from me, it was apparent she would either beat me over the head, or douse me in the grease. I knew I had to act quickly. The next few events would happen in slow motion; I don't know about angels, but it's fear that gives men wings.
With the foul daemon approaching, I dove with a force I haven't since been able to replicate, behind the booth to an adjacent booth where I would hopefully find solace. "NOOOOOO!" I moaned briefly as I rolled backwards to safety. I then saw a haunting sight to behold. Death is blind, and Jane had a cross drawn in braille on her forehead.
She swung a split second after I dove away. In fact, she swung with such force, she lost control of her arm. It set off a chain reaction of cramps, until she couldn't control any of her upper body. Halfway through the swing, she did a 180 degree turn and held on to dear life on just one leg. She clutched that pan as if it were the hand of god himself, which in the end would be her undoing. As she stumbled around trying to regain her ground, she briefly turned her head feeling something hot and smokey coming her way. "NOOOOOOOO!" echoed through her cancer scarred lungs. The boiling pan's slow motion journey had made it's final stop, Jane's face. The wobbling leg finally lost it's balance, and she fell to the ground screaming, hilariously enough she would switch between screaming and smacking her gums every second or so. Ironic, how the hand of god carried the fire of hell.
I stood there baffled, as Jane called for help. Finally, one of the younger waitresses came in. "Oh my god, Bostwhick what are you doing?! Get help!" I just stood there baffled. Soon every member of the staff, paramedics, even Tom himself who wasn't there at the time, all ran in to be at Jane's side. I still stood there with my mouth agape at what just happened. Finally, I couldn't control it anymore, and I burst out laughing. I'd never laughed louder, or harder for that matter. In fact, my friend Kyle, who owns a business across the street, said he was able to hear me distinctly. As everyone stared back at me like I was a Satan incarnate, I thought to myself, "I think I could use some gas." Then I thought it might not be a bad idea to search for another job.
User Reviews
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-14 00:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It never hurts to proofread.
Submitted by cyberchild_75 (user info) at 2004-10-14 00:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining, like a bed time story for the demented
Submitted by Salmon (user info) at 2004-10-14 00:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't argue with your boss, dipshit.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-14 00:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good ending
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-13 23:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh. serious injuries.
Hehehehe...
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-10-13 23:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...Hilariously enough she would switch between screaming and smacking her gums every second or so.
Funny shit.
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-10-13 23:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.