Military Base Police (669 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.43 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <rurumon> (View user info) at 2004-10-14 14:10:51 EDT
Police is one thing a military base shouldn't have. A base is filled with marines, many of them with machine guns and lots of testosterone, and law-abiding nerdy engineers. A police force seems a little redundant and unnecessary. But that's ok, because that means our federal government can install police officers that are so unbelievably incompetent, the navy gets them at a bulk wholesale price.
Theses officers are really the cream of the crop, too say they are all overweight would be an understatement. Having read the application to be a cop on our base, I saw that they have no real exercise regimen, and besides only requiring a couple years in a "security position" (read: I once hit a squirrel with a bat) they don't actually require any formal education.
Unfortunately, these shining examples of modern law squat at our gates holding fully automatic M-16s and assault shotguns which they lord over as they glare. Expecting the man driving an '89 civic peeking through 2 inch thick glasses may be planning a full-on tactical assault.
My favorite cop of all is this older hag with a femullet. A couple years ago after having a fight with her live-in girlfriend Dykerella, she decided she was going to fuck rurumon oin the ass. Fortunately for me, my ass is prepared. Unfortunately for me, I had forgotten my badge that day, so when I held up my temporary badge and my license, she scrutinized it like she was pouring over Sanskrit text from days passed.
"Your license has expired...." She commanded, as if she expected a cookie for her observation.
Crap.
"Oh, geez....I am sorry. It must have just expired, I guess I will have to go to the DMV and get a new one."
A small smile crinkled over the hags face, it was at that moment I realized my day was going to be long, and would involve lots of horseshit.
"pull over sir..."
crap.
The hag proceeds to disappear into her gate house for the next half hour. What she was doing I don't know, but since they had no way to check that I was in fact a legal driver all I can imagine she was doing was killing time to piss me off. Eventually she comes back with two tickets.
"Sir, I am citing you for driving without a license and for not having a license..."
"Huh? Officer...isn't that a bit redundant?"
A glossed-over look crosses her face....aha! my words must have been too complicated for her!
"Officer, I have a license in my possession, it is just expired. I am therefore not driving without a license. Its not like I am a 12 year old who hopped behind a wheel or something..."
She ignores me.
"Another thing sir, since you do not have a license...."
"Ma'am, I do. You are wrong, can I talk too...."
"Don't interrupt me sir. Since you do not have a license, you cannot drive your car on base. I will escort you outside the base where you will leave your car."
You have got to be kidding me.
"Officer, I have to work today. I cannot be unable to report for duty constructing the WEAPONS THAT DEFEND THIS COUNTRY if someone prevents me from driving my car simply because I forgot to get a new ID from the DMV."
No dice.
"sir, you will have to walk."
Its at this point I think I should mention that my foot was sprained, and bandaged up. My crutches were in the passenger seat in plain sight. But that wasn't good enough for Officer Cuntrag, she had a mission...and that mission was to fuck rurumon.
Somewhere in California a blazing fire rages. It burns with the intensity that will destroy homes and leave acres of timber in ashes. This fire however, does not rage with nearly the intensity that my glare did when I hobbled through that gate about half an hour later. I burned my eyes into her beady rat pupils, and I knew....oh yeah, I knew....that I would triumph.
Rurumon is good at making sure people of power like him, for exactly this situation. When I pleaded my case to the Department Head, she sided with me 100%, and proceeded to phone the PD and ream them a new asshole. It was later that day that I was called by someone in the PD to meet them at the gate with the two tickets. I then happened to notice that the "driving without a license ticket" was for the tidy sum of 340.00. Fantastico.
Not knowing whether or not I was about to be lynched, I approached the gate with trepidation. Sure enough, the hag and her cronies approached me, M16s in hand. My bladder got set to relieve itself.
The hag in the lead, she approached me.
"Sir, may I see those tickets?"
A feeble hand offered the two slips of paper to the officer.
Officer hag took the papers, glanced at them, and with a noticeable sigh...tore them in half.
"We will consider this matter closed then..."
And they were gone, like giant, fat wraiths...disappearing to eat more donuts.
I walked back to work strong, knowing that this battle was mine, Officer hag had failed...but the war was far from over.
User Reviews
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-10 13:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where I work they have military actually guarding the gates. The civilian police are there to give you a ticket for going 3 miles over the speed limit. That is right 3 miles per hour over the limit.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-14 17:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-14 16:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn typos.
Got it better the second time though.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-14 15:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn MP's.
The only thing aggravating here is the way aggravating is misspelled.
Submitted by SwissCamel (user info) at 2004-10-14 15:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:43:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
"But it's really agravating when you use your name in the middle of a sentence and don't capitalize it."
what the fuck? this is a post on Ubersite, not an english paper. get over it. people are bitching more and more about trivial shit like this lately. do you people ever have fun? do you ever get laid?
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Now Hidden, don't be an ass, you're usually so cool.
I said it was "aggravating." Notice I still gave him a +2? I though this post ruled, I just made one little observation.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, they aren't as bad as the actually military cops. less competent, yes, but not as anal.
"But it's really agravating when you use your name in the middle of a sentence and don't capitalize it."
what the fuck? this is a post on Ubersite, not an english paper. get over it. people are bitching more and more about trivial shit like this lately. do you people ever have fun? do you ever get laid?
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
But it's really agravating when you use your name in the middle of a sentence and don't capitalize it.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
talking about yourself in third person = -2.
Whining like a bitch to your supervisor = -2.
Decent story +2
Final tally.
-2. Die.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-14 14:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice