Crack fiends and the White Sox (1125 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.4 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Oly <olyjr2001.at.sbcglobal.net> (View user info) at 2004-10-14 23:00:15 EDT
I saw a post somebody else put up about why he hates homeless people, and I thought, "Hey, I hate homeless people too!"
I live in the great city of Chicago, where homeless people pack the streets like hairs pack my ass crack. Most people who live on the streets have mental problems, be it from a war or being bonked on the head as babies or by any other means; it really doesn't matter. These are not the people I hate. The ones I hate are the ones who can't help but maintain their crack fiend status and restrain themselves from fucking walking to shelter, where my government will hand out free food and a roof. As a teenager without a steady income, I probably have no right to bitch, but my parents pay the taxes to make all this possible, so fuck it.
Last June, my friend Dhara was having a birthday party at Comiskey Park (Fuck US Cellular...and the Sox, for that matter). We were supposed to drive from Hooter's (her choice, she rocks) straight to the game, but I got a call from my friend Megan asking to come pick her up before we left. I obey. Dhara and three other people head off to the game before me and Sarah. Sarah is Megan's best friend and my Senior Prom date. (This story immediately precedes one of the craziest series of events in my life, but I will save that story for another time.)
The three of us arrived at Comiskey half an hour before the game's starting time due to the rare emptiness of the Edens expressway coming south from the Northwest suburbs. If you live in Chicago, you know where Hell is located.
We parked on the first base side of the stadium and walked the wrong way to get to our friends behind home plate, where our tickets awaited. On the way, we walked past a black man handing out flyers for cell phone service or some shit, and he followed us. Apparently a young white man wearing an old yellow Nike shirt and a backwards Brewers baseball hat is a target of opportunity for panhandlers when he is immersed in a sea of middle-aged white men in business suits and black men in expensive leather coats. I suppose it didn't hurt that I was walking with two pretty hot girls (Megan is easily one of the top ten hottest girls I have ever talked to—Sarah is marginal at worst.)
Crack Fiend - "Yo, dawg, you's a stud, or what?"
Me - "Thanks...man."
CF - "Yo, hold awn a seckin."
Me - "What for, dogg?"
CF - "I live awn the streets maaaan...can you gimme a few bucks?"
Me - "I really can't, sorry. I barely have enough for a ticket. Sorry man."
You see, I already have a grudge against beggars and panhandlers. My dad used to be Senior Vice President at a big bank in downtown Chicago, and has told me tales of "homeless" men who stand on the corner in shitty clothes and find prey in the single women and young people walking around all day long. They take their "earnings" from their days of "work" and deposit them into some of the biggest accounts within the bank. Some beggars are legit, but others are just predators.
Like the one who stabbed my dad in the neck with an 11-inch blade on his way out of the building because, when asked for a "few dollars," my dad did what he's supposed to do and kept walking straight forward. The dude justified his act by saying my dad was "jingling his keys and whistling" in a police report later on.
He jumped in front of my dad yelling I'm sick of this shit and stuck the knife in just below his right jaw. My dad thought he was punched and proceeded to knock the homeless man out before feeling the handle and pulling the knife out. He walked into a small store and told them to call an ambulance. They didn't immediately do anything and asked why, so my father pulled his hand away from his neck to let the blood squirt out a little bit. They called the ambulance. The homeless man bruised his carotid artery (the fucking artery was BRUISED—he should be dead) and the blade stopped just before reaching his spinal cord. He's a healthy man today with only a little numb spot under his chin, but he shouldn't be around at all.
He was stabbed because a homeless man felt my father owed him fucking money. My father was almost fucking murdered over a few fucking dollars because a fucking homeless man "was sick of this shit."
I believe I'm right to hold a grudge here and, needless to say, I don't hand much money out to those fucking clowns unless I think they truly need it.
But today I was feeling charitable.
CF - "Pleeeease," accompanied by a yellow-toothed smile and tuna breath. I resist the urge to vomit on his corduroy pants.
Me - "Ehh, alright dude. You got me."
I hand Crack Fiend the two one dollar bills I have in my wallet.
I smile and begin to walk away.
I feel a sweaty hand grab my arm and turn me around.
CF - "Wait." He puts his hand on his lower back and bends backwards. Keanu Reeves deserves an Oscar no more than this man. "Yo, dawg, you ever been homeless? What the fuck am I gonna do wit two dollahs?"
I just gave a beggar more money than most people would consider handing over, against my better instincts, and he has the fucking nerve to ask for MORE?
Me - "What? Are you fucking serious?" I grab the money I just gave him out of his hand. "I HAVE a home, and I can find a fucking use for this."
CF - "AW! Naw you dittint! You fucking white ass mothafucka, I NEED THAT!"
Me, embellishing - "FUCK you! People like you are the fucking reason I don't have a dad. My father was killed because some fucking crack addict like you wanted a few fucking dollars and my dad didn't give him any. This isn't your fucking money and I don't owe you shit. You can definitely suck my dick if you want a dollar back, you fucking piece of ghetto trash."
Walking away like somebody better hold his Five-foot-seven, hundred-thirty-pound ass back, he yelled, "I fucking hate rich bitches like you."
Well, I fucking hate you.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:00:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't I -2 this already?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-10-15 11:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good story...the advice given below is accurate and should help you improve future endeavors.
I hate bums and never give them money.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-15 08:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah!
Somebody's got big brass one's or no common sense. Rock on!
Submitted by dinnerkraft (user info) at 2004-10-15 08:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pounder of all asses!
What? Isn't that what a +2 means?
Oh.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-10-15 02:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was a pretty good story there, Stabkill. I did like it. And any initiative taken to start that program has my full support.
I'm a Brewers fan, poly, a season ticket holder. I hate the Sox and have since I was a little kid. Im not a Cubs fan anymore either. The only reason I go to games in Chicago anymore is because I get invited and, hell, baseball is baseball.
Youre right about the focus, too. Thanks. I do that a lot.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-10-14 23:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Read this post from ubermadness. You'll like it.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45658 Story 1 by ewlong3.
Maybe we should start a program like that. I guarantee I'll be donating to anyone who does.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-14 23:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To clarify, I think you could've omitted pretty much any mention of your friends (except in passing) as they aren't that vital to the story, except for being with you.
I would've made the story about your dad getting stabbed w/ an 11 inch knife (for real? 11 inches?) the central part of the story and focused your conversation with the homeless guy around that.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-14 23:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting story, but it could've been better written.
What the fuck were you doing at Comiskey w/ a fucking Brewers hat on? Traitor.