I Don't Care If I Have a Lump, I Don't Want the Doctor to Grope My Balls (2813 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2004-10-15 15:39:09 EDT
In the beginning of my freshman year at college, I ran into a problem: I had a pain in my balls. Well, my right ball, to be exact. For a few days it was excruciating. Whenever I shifted positions while sitting down or walked at a brisk pace, all kinds of pain washed over my...happy area. On top of this, there was an odd lump-like thing down there that I'm sure you're all happy to know about.
The whole time this was going on, I knew I should have gone to the University Health Center to have it checked out, but I was really afraid that I might have testicular cancer, which wasn't something I was about ready to face. Eventually, however, I mustered up the courage to head down there.
I was a nervous wreck as I sat in the waiting room, and when the receptionist called me in, that nervousness only increased. I sat in the cold room and waited for the doctor. Suddenly the door opened and the doctor stepped in. He looked at his chart and then at me. Then he looked at his chart again and back up at me.
"Hello...Jan. Isn't that a girl's name?" That asshole.
"Um. It's German and it's actually pronounced 'Yon,'" I responded.
"Ha! Imagine that," he said. "Have a seat and tell me what the problem is."
I sat down gingerly and began. "Well...you see...it's kind of...well...When I sit down my...um. I can feel a thing when I...uh."
"Out with it," said the doctor. "Describe your symptoms!"
I wanted to kick this guy in the balls and say, "Well it feels kind of like that."
"Well, my...um...my testicle hurts and I can feel a lump."
"Alright, drop 'em," he said matter-of-factly.
"Drop what?" I responded, wondering whether or not he really wanted me to drop my lyrical skillz before he prescribed me some pillz. Dog.
"Drop your pants, let me take a look." I couldn't believe this guy was asking to grope my balls and not even say please like I make most hookers do. I also make them call me "daddy," but that I don't want a doctor calling me. Unless it's a hot doctor with lots of boobs...two to be exact. Or maybe three like that chick in Total Recall.
"But," I started, "I really don't want to. Can't you just diagnose the problem without any potentially scandalous fondling?"
"No," he said firmly. "Now drop them or let me see my other patients." So I complied, but I only did it for ol' Righty's sake.
During his grope session, I learned two things about this guy:
1. He seemed to really like touching balls
2. He didn't know his own strength
This process went on for no less than two minutes and every few seconds he squeezed something he shouldn't have squeezed. It reminded me of a quote from History of the World Part 1: "Oh the agony! Oh the pain! Just to have my privates made public for a game?" Like any person who has ever had their balls feverishly groped would do, I was thinking about Mel Brooks and all his hilarious antics. However, I was quickly jolted back to reality when that quack gave another squeeze.
He eventually stopped and told me I could pull my pants back up. He then left the room for about ten minutes without even asking me to snuggle. Clearly I felt like I was being used for my medical condition. When he came back in, he had a grim look on his face.
"Jan, you're pregnant."
"I...What?"
"Ha! I'm just kidding," he said as he slapped me on the shoulder. "If you're worried about testicular cancer, don't be. I just checked a book of mine and you have a common bacterial infection known as epididymitis, which is an inflammation of the epididymis. That's the tube that runs out of your testicles."
"I have a tube in my testicles?"
"Yep, why?"
"And this tube is infected with bacteria?"
"Yep, why?"
"And you had to check in a book to figure that out?"
"Yep, why?"
"Aren't you a doctor?"
"Yep, why?"
"Nevermind," I said. I was too relieved about my significant lack of testicular tumors to care at that point. He told me that I needed to take some antibiotics and it would go away eventually. He wrote me a prescription and walked me to the waiting room where about five people were sitting. I didn't find it surprising that that tactless asshole chose a public setting to ask his next question.
"You know, epididymitis often occurs after an increase in sexual activity," he said. "Have you increased your sexual activity recently?" Naturally, the attention of everyone in the room was caught by that comment. Luckily, however, my friends were all just like this asshole and I was prepared with a standard follow up.
"Now that you mention it, I have," I said. "Normally I bang your wife twice a week and we've stepped it up to three. Go figure!" His smiling face went slack. Apparently Dr. Funny McAssface couldn't take a joke. Oh well, at least I was banging his wife three times a week.
Well, at least when my balls started feeling better I was.
User Reviews
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-01-16 17:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahahahaha,
Brilliant.
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2004-12-12 18:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now that you mention it, I have," I said. "Normally I bang your wife twice a week and we've stepped it up to three. Go figure!"
That made my day.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-29 13:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
El fucko yeso!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-18 17:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be so lucky. My balls are as big as cats.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-18 17:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:07:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
The scariest thing that could happen to a guy is to have ball-problems.
========================================================================
it's true. i was having prostate problems and i was thinking that if i ended up having to pee through a tube, i'd just jump in front of a speeding bus. anyway, it ended up being a yeast infection (yes, anyone can get a yeast infection anywhere in their body, it's not just a vaginal thing), and i just blew one off this morning like a champ and god, does it feel good. i was really scared for awhile, but it was easy enough to fix.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-18 16:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just saw your satirical take of retiring! Retarded! I gotta say that I laughed a laugh of sadness.
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-10-18 16:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dr. Funny McAssface"
You rock.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-10-17 16:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good ending- and yeah... i've been there too.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-17 03:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For abosulutely kicking ass in every way!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-16 15:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome ending!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-10-16 09:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it a lot
Submitted by JungleJane (user info) at 2004-10-16 09:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Can't you just diagnose the problem without any potentially scandalous fondling?"
--------------
Tee hee!
Submitted by BridgetJones (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh there's just something about a testicle story that makes me all sympathetic and in the mood for giving +2s! Plus it was really clever. Well done sweety!
Submitted by veins_of_glass (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" He then left the room for about ten minutes without even asking me to snuggle."
See that? That right there got you that +2.
Oh man I'm craving a Kebab...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, done that. I've had doctors grope my balls more times than I care to recall.
*shudder*
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-15 20:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-15 20:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
I saw 'Total Recall' when I was thirteen. It's been fifteen years and I've forgotten every facet of that movie except for the chick with the three tits. I don't even remember where in the movie it is, but I remember she's there.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-15 18:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude I found a lump on my nuts when I was 13, never did pluck up the courage. It's gone now so hopefully I have nothing to worry about. I read that if they dissapear within a week or two it's usually a cyst. If it comes back then I'll have something to worry about.
I know how fucking frightening this can be. Especially for someone at a young age. Thing is I told one friend in confidence the next day I was being laughed at and called an attention seeker.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-10-15 18:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-15 18:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-10-15 18:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If a problem develops above my thighs and below my waist, I shalt surely die.
You are a brave man.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-10-15 17:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People die for that same reason. It's amazing. Thanks alot, Christians. You have fucked up the world's health repeatedly with your fucking religious attitude towards the human body.
Remember the dark ages you filty pigs who couldn't take a bath in public? Fucking christians....
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-10-15 17:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullshitgans...would you rather have a 0 or a plus 1 to break the streak? I think the zero is more dignified.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-15 16:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. to steal a line from somebody...
lets sing a song to celebrate that you dont' have testicular cancer.
"i said my niggers don't dance, we just pull up our pants, and, do the rock away."
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2...one for each ball.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, it feels like ten minutes after you get kicked in the balls. It still hurts like a bitch, but you're able to walk a little.
I need an air donut.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gimmie a chance to do a hip-hop dance, gimmie a chance to do a daaaaaaaance.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'I wanted to kick this guy in the balls and say, "Well it feels kind of like that."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by CowTipper (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An especially lumpy +1 for each of your two balls.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Tom Green says; Squeeze your balls, tease your balls, please your balls.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a doctor hold a flashlight up to my balls once.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The scariest thing that could happen to a guy is to have ball-problems.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-10-15 16:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome. +2 for the post, +2 for your external title of "Action Jackson."
All in all, it adds up to a +2.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoo!
ow
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glad you're okay. wouldn't want you to live like half a man.
anyway, story...ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. you made my shitty day at work not so shitty.
marry me.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This put a big smile on my face... tactless bitch thought he could ambarass you in public. DIE MOTHAFUCKA!
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post had everything: highs, lows, VD, adultery, Total Recall.
More seriously, I had a similar experience recently. Can't express how glad I was when the doctor okayed me. Banging his wife was the icing on the cake.