Skanky Men and Face Prints (2790 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kristen (View user info) at 2004-10-16 05:16:37 EDT
It's after midnight and I notice I don't have nearly enough useless crap.
Any insomniac worth their salt knows what to do in such a situation: Wal-Mart run.
Most of the time, these trips are routine. I meander the aisles, plucking random things off the shelf. After I load my bag of cucumbers, Vaseline, and magazine on the conveyor belt, I grab a Mountain Dew from the cooler, pay for my purchase and walk out the door.
However, I'm not writing about a typical excursion.
The hour wasn't obscenely late, my daughter needed diapers, and Wal-Mart was out of cucumbers.
Despite these minor alterations, I managed to make my way through the store and checkout line just fine.
Unfortunately, the door presented a problem.
Actually, the creepy, greasy man standing next to the door presented a problem.
I noticed him from about 25 feet away. He was propped against the wall, facing the sliding glass doors. His head turned toward me as I approached. He tucked a clump of oily hair behind his ear. His mouth twisted up into a slimy, disturbing, toothless smile.
I promptly ducked my head down and began digging through my purse. I also picked up the pace-you can only feign a search for some nonexistent necessity for so long. As I approached ever closer to the automatic door, I felt his eyes burning through my sweatshirt, through my jeans, and onto the flowered granny panties and gray sports bra underneath. Shuddering, I hurried a little more toward the doors, the release from old-dirty-man prison.
"Hey-"
He spoke. No longer pretending to search for Binaca or keys, I almost sprinted to my freedom.
"SPLATBAM!"
Shaking my head, I looked up from my new position: sprawled on my ass on the dirty, black floor mat of Wal-Mart. A giant smudge, resembling my giant head, marred the otherwise clear glass of the door.
Grody Man helped me up, trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.
"-the door is out of order. Please go out the entrance."
And just curious, y'all: Iced tea-sweet or unsweetened?
User Reviews
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, dumbass.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do hope you aren't cursed with rotten luck... ;)
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-27 17:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo, if you move to Houston, you'll be drinking tea on ice in no time.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-27 09:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cold tea.
?
In a can??
Without milk???
Are you mental????
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-25 16:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-23 11:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*iced
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-23 11:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Slick...
Sweetened ice tea, thank you.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-10-22 01:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:43:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
...milk in tea?
You peoples is alllllll screwed up.
--------------
Stupid Americans.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-21 20:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy UberBirthday, Kristen!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-10-20 00:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy creepy creepy...oh wait! Trying to be helpful!
Aw, crap.
Heh.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-19 18:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"After I load my bag of cucumbers, Vaseline, and magazine on the conveyor belt"
ahahahahahaha
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-10-19 13:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Haha, that reminds me of the time I fell through the screen door at this Rastafarian's house. On the sweet/unsweet question: Most sweet tea is undrinkable swill. My fellow Southerners like to make fun of me when I order unsweet tea in restaurants. But I just smile to myself, secure and satisfied in the knowledge that I still have all my teeth.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-19 13:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You sure sound stupid and judgemental and arrogant but I guess you can get away with it because you're pretty hot.
Would I fuck you upside down? Yes.
Would I engage in a conversation with you longer than "Please don't use your teeth so much"? Nah.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-19 13:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SPLATBAM!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-10-19 10:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet tea. Chickfila has now gone north of the line where yankees quit making it, so when I am in DC it is my lifeline.
Submitted by Fenrir (user info) at 2004-10-18 12:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UberBot9000 (user info) at 2004-10-18 12:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-10-18 12:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-10-18 09:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you're pretty fucking stupid, huh?
You just think every guy is checking you out, molesting you with his eyes? I seriously hate conceited twats such as yourself.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-17 02:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tea sucks. Wal-Mart rules.
What?
What are you looking at?
Hey!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<runs away from Uber>
Submitted by blissfully_ignorant (user info) at 2004-10-17 01:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-10-16 23:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUH, unsweetened!
What kind of person would put sugar in... oh, hi Kristen.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-10-16 23:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree with sundance. sweet tea is the best. i hate going somewhere and ordering sweet tea and have them tell me they don't have it but i can add sugar to the regular tea. Bitch if i wanted to do all that work i wouldve asked for regular tea. just bring me a fuckin sprite so i can obey my thirst.
-Black Ninja
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-16 18:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love my gray sports bra. There's nothing uglier or more comfortable.
Tea poll: I can't drink anything unless it has sugar in it (I have to be really thirsty to bother with water) so I like sweetened tea. But I have to say that Nestea is the most disgusting drink ever created and since my school is owned by Coca-Cola, I can't escape it. Yes, I complain about this frequently to anyone who will listen.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-10-16 16:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know how much I hate Wal-Mart.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-16 15:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Half iced tea/half lemonade
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-16 14:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**..role a fag ready for when the water is boiled...**
How is mugging a homosexual supposed to help you make tea?
I picked up saying 'y'all' from living down in the South and now that I'm living up here in MN, it causes people who sound like the Swedish Chef to make fun of the way I talk. Oh, the irony.
Sweet tea. With lemon.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-10-16 14:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unsweet for me. Hey, granny panties? Last review I saw you write you were wearing a thong...I'm dissapointed...very. But then again....
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-16 13:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha...Wal-Mart run.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-16 13:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brewed tea, not that powdered Nestea junk.
Iced & heavily sweetened.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2004-10-16 10:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what? you mean you weren't making cucumber & vaseline sandwiches? zut alors!
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-10-16 10:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's make it clear... there is a difference between Sweet Tea and Sweetened Tea.
Sweet tea is a southern specialty that is absolutely delicious. Sweetened tea is pouring sugar into already brewed tea.
Sweet Tea is better than sweetened tea which is worse than unsweetened tea.
There.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-10-16 09:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans.
You don't need vaseline to fit a cucumber in your crotch.
Sweetened, with vodka.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think they only hire greasy, stinky doormen for
Wal-mart.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope your getting enough sleep. Can you really not sleep or is your sleep schedule still fucked up.
I used to have ton of coupons for free diapers. I may have given them all away, but I'll check. Diapers are freaking expensive.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the first worthwhile post after hours and hours of boring screeds and sad attempts at humor.
Good story.
My last episode like that was when I tripped on about an inch of curb. I was walking really fast, caught the edge of my shoe, my pack flew off my shoulder, I actually fucking rolled, and I was hollering obscenities throughout the ride. What makes it worse is that it happened in front of an outdoor cafe, so all these people in the middle of lunch saw this guy suddenly go down right in front of them, completely and loudly lose his shit, and then get up and storm off.
Submitted by JungleJane (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it. Creepy old men are... creepy.
Granny panties... Great!
Iced Tea? Definitely sweetened. But you never said what you prefer-
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's ok, Myrtle.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-10-16 08:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm... Cajun honeys with cucumbers. I think we just found the next installment of Girls Gone Wild.
And iced tea has to be sweetened, but I like Arnold Palmers. Half iced tea (sweetened, because all iced tea in the North is sweetened, thank God) and half lemonade.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2004-10-16 07:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i wish i had one of them french crossed with southern accents. sho nuff mon amie. jus one thin im wonderin chere, what you doin wit dem cucumbers?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-16 06:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1.) This hot tea thing ain't jiving with me.
2.) I love you, Circe.
3.) I want some sugar bread. When I was little, I used to wet Wonder bread under the faucet and then sprinkle both sides with sugar and freeze it. Then (horrors!) I'd eat it. Even worse-I LIKED it. Over the years, my tastes have matured. I now enjoy a little bit of bread with my sweetened condensed milk. Mmmmmmm.
4. I love you, Circe.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-16 06:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They're still lettng you out in public?
To answer the tea question - iced tea, sweet. Has to be; I'm a sugar junkie. (They have bread here in the Netherlands with sugar baked into it. Sugar lumps, baked into the bread. I'm not going home until I've worked out how to import it and still have it be edible.)
But hot tea with milk is better.
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-10-16 06:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Iced Tea is better if its green tea, and unsweetened.
Hot tea MUST be unsweetened. Any kind is acceptable, except for fruity ass pussyberry herbal teas. If black or regular, you may add lemon though. In general, hot tea is better than iced.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:25:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish Wal-Mart was open that late here. But alas. And I like my iced-tea unsweetened.
---
They have Wal-Marts that aren't 24 hours?
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i know, i know, its a crazy idea!
but you should try it...
place a tea bag in a mug, boil the kettle....
..role a fag ready for when the water is boiled...
..pour water into mug...
...get a small spoon and squeeze the tea bag, so it turns a dark brown...
...remove tea bag, pour in milk till it's a golden colour, add more if you like it milky and visa versa...
...add two sugars...
...stir...
...sit in front of the TV, spark up...
...sit back...
and admire you're handy work.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...milk in tea?
You peoples is alllllll screwed up.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.. i don't drink ice tea...
but i like 1 to 2 sugars in normal tea. like hot tea with milk.
Submitted by Ex_Lux_Astrum (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WalMart is the Sodom and Gomorrah of the 21st century. Surely some biblical-worthy reckoning shall ocur to rid this planet of its scourge.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, you said y'all
Y'ALL WANT SOME SWAYT TAY?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ANSWER THE TEA QUESTION!
I'm fine, T_O...kinda pissed about my beer, but fine.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish Wal-Mart was open that late here. But alas. And I like my iced-tea unsweetened.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you alright now?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like my iced tea like I like my men...not gay.
What?
STRIPPERS WOOO!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The things I do for Über. In the time it took me to type this out, my Hot Pocket got cold and my beer got warm.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-16 05:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaah dork