Koolmang, and the "shit" he has to put up with. (781 hits)
Category: Politics -> AfghanistanRating: 0.2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by KoolMang (View user info) at 2004-10-17 07:47:34 EDT
"DING DONG"
Koolmang got up to answer the door. On his way, he stopped at the bowl that was sitting on the coffee table and grabbed a handful of dead baby stickers. He was smiling as he reached the door, turned the knob, and pulled it open.
He saw the most curious sight as he looked out the doorway. There were no monsters on his porch. There were no ghosts waiting patiently for him, there were no Dorothy's or Toto's, or Wicked Witches awaiting his snack of chocolaty goodness. No. However, there was something on the porch, and as Koolmang opened the storm door, he saw exactly what it was.
A fire.
Yes, there was a little fire burning on Koolmang's front porch. He immediately dropped the dead baby stickers and ran out to extinguish the flames before they amplified and took down his entire house. He got to the fire, looked at it to determine what exactly it was that was burning, and then began to stomp the flames out with his shoes.
Once the flames were out, he kicked whatever it was that was no longer burning, out into his front yard. He would clean it up in the morning. He inspected his porch and found little residual damage, and then he looked out into the street. No kids running anywhere, no kids hiding in the bushes watching their little "trick", so he turned around and walked back into the house.
He walked into the house and immediately snatched a few dead baby stickers from out of the mouth of his dog Stabkill. Stabkill was a great dog with a penchant for chocolate. Koolmang had adopted him from the dog pound after he had heard Stabkill's story. It seems Stabkill was once owned by a guy that used to take him on excursions to buy illegal drugs. His owner would score heroin and then give some to Stabkill to try. If Stabkill did not die, then the Heroin was good. Koolmang did not give Stabkill heroin, so Stabkill ate chocolate. He ate it by the bag.
Anyway ...Koolmang cleaned up the rest of the snickers wrappers and then strode into the living room, Stabkill hot on his heels and sniffing at the floor. When Koolmang reached his barcalounger, he plopped himself down and reclined in it fully. He was resting peacefully and resumed his viewing of "Sweaty Bums - I Like to Lick Thee". Koolmang loved Halloween.
Stabkill was curious at what was on Koolmang's shoes. He would not stop smelling the soles the shoes and Koolmang was getting irritated. "Go away Stabkill, you scat addict" Koolmang yelled, but, not only did Stabkill not leave, but he began to lick the bottom of Koolmang's shoes. Koolmang yelled "What the fuck dog?" and got up to see what was on his shoes.
It was shit. Koolmang had fallen for the oldest trick in the book. The flaming bag of shit on the porch.
"Christ almighty" Koolmang said as he took off his shoes and walked to the back door off the house. Just as he was putting his shoes outside, he heard "DING DONG". He turned to answer the door and, once again on his way there, stopped by the bowl and grabbed some dead baby stickers.
He opened the door and there were three trick-or-treaters standing there. One was Robin, the boy wonder. The other two were Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick, Spongebob's buddy.
"TRICK OR TREAT!!!" they screamed, loud enough that Stabkill started howling in the hallway behind Koolmang. "Here you go kiddies, one for Robin, one for Spongebob, and one for Patrick".
"Hey Mister!" exclaimed Spongebob.
"Yes?" replied Koolmang.
"Did you know that you have dogshit all over your carpet behind you?"
Koolmang turned around and saw his shoes lying in the middle of the hallway carpet. Stabkill was laying over them after retrieving them from beyond the still open back door, licking the shit off of the soles.
"Stabkill!" Koolmang yelled and ran back into the house.
"It's on your socks too mister" Patrick said, gesturing with a pointy pink starfish arm down at Koolmang's socks.
"Well I'll be god dammed" Koolmang said. He sat down on the floor and pulled off his socks. He got back up and started towards the basement hallway to throw the socks in the laundry when Stabkill came up behind him and bit him right in the ass.
"OOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! WHAT THE FUCK, STABKILL?" Koolmang reached behind him and started rubbing his ass where Stabkill bit him. He felt that it was wet and when he pulled his hand away, it was moist and brown. He arched his neck around to look at where Stabkill bit him and there was a brown stain there. Then he looked down the hallway and saw that there were still brown stains all over the rug. He had sat in the shit when he took his socks off.
"FUCK" Koolmang yelled. Stabkill retreated to the living room to escape his owner's wrath. Also, to raid the candy bowl while his master was doing the laundry. He needed a fix.
Koolmang changed into his Mighty Mouse pajamas and came back upstairs from the laundry room. He was in the middle of cleaning the carpet when he heard "DING DONG". He went into the living room, stepped over a comatose Stabkill and grabbed the last four of about one hundred dead baby stickers. "Damn dog" Koolmang said as he stepped back over chocolate OD'd Stabkill. Koolmang headed for the front door, opened it, and saw nobody there. What he did see though, was a small fire in the middle of his porch.
"GODDAMMIT YOU FUCKING LITTLE MONSTERS!" Koolmang yelled. He ran back into the house, got a broom and ran back out onto the porch. He hockey slap-shotted the fire off his porch and into the front yard. Little pieces of flaming shit went airborne like little shit meteors falling to the earth. Koolmang turned around and went back inside the house. He put the broom in the kitchen and continued to clean the carpet in the hallway.
After a few seconds, Stabkill was up on his feet and barking. Koolmang was just about to tell him to shut up when he took a whiff of the air. "What's that smell, boy?" Koolmang said to Stabkill as he turned towards the kitchen.
The broom was on fire and it was filling the whole house with smoke. Koolmang ran into the kitchen and saw that a piece of flaming shit had been caught in the bristles and he had not noticed it. Koolmang quickly grabbed the broom and ran out the front door just as two more kids were climbing his front stairs to trick or treat. They watched as Koolmang launched the broom out over his front yard and into the street. After he tossed the broom, Koolmang looked down at the kids on the porch. Before him, he had Casper the friendly ghost and Popeye the sailor man.
"Trick or treat?" they asked.
"Get the fuck off of my porch you little bastards" was all Koolmang could say. He then turned around and walked straight into the house, stepping in the last little pile of shit that was left on the porch. He locked the door behind him and started up the stairs towards the bedroom. He got to the bedroom, plopped into his bed and grabbed the TV remote. As he pointed it down towards the TV on the dresser, he happened to look at his feet. He had little pieces of shit stuck between his toes and on his toenails.
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Koolmang screamed as he got up to wash his feet.
And, the moral of this story is:
Bart is shit, but Koolmang will never be rid of him as long as he keeps entering the door.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-07 00:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not even so much as a courtesy link back to my original.
You bastard.
I thought this was funny though, just like when I wrote it.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47654
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-06 23:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Its Eric Rice the child molester on his 1,000th account.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wubble.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-17 18:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
erm weren't you meant to be leaving for good?
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-10-17 14:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Koolmung?
Submitted by ZenMachine (user info) at 2004-10-17 11:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
that's about enough Koolmang for me.
Submitted by Valakas at 2004-10-17 10:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for KoolMang, even if I am too lazy to sign in to make it count.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-17 08:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-17 08:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto 'mang -2.