Microsoft for President, or a more honest version of politics (781 hits)
Category: Politics -> Election 2004Rating: 1.54 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Durae (View user info) at 2004-10-18 14:29:27 EDT
This whole individual figure running for office thing is so in the past. Individuals are such a bungle of motivation and blurry opinions that you never know what they're *really* thinking. How can you trust them? Did Bush want to invade Iraq to spread the shining glory of democracy, to kick Saddam's ass for his dad, to get cheaper oil, to gain the historical renown of being a war president, to piss the Middle East off even more, to get us a really unique 51st state to centralize terrorist attacks off of our land, who the hell really knows and who will ever know? Who knows why the fuck he thinks anything he does is a good idea? I digress.
There is one legal entity in this country that is completely predictable - the corporation. Corporations fund campaigns and spend ginormous amounts lobbying anyway, why not remove the thin veil on the whole political process and put them directly in charge? You put a company like Exxon Mobile in charge and gee, I wonder what the fuck will happen. We know exactly what they'll want to do. They would have invaded Iraq for oil. Pure and simple. No second-guessing and bipartisan bickering about motives. We would all understand exactly what was going on in their little minds on every issue.
Ahh, the clarity that would bring. Corporations don't flip flop and they don't remain stubbornly fixated in the face of insane deficits and bad decisions. They also don't want to pay their employees' health care costs and might force the government to step up and cover everyone. Hell they would be the government so of course they would. **Orgasm**
This is a tentative list of corporations I can imagine running for office successfully, feel free to add your own personal favorites.
Disney -
Campaign Tactics:
subliminal messages strategically inserted into animated films
insanely adorable stuffed mascots
catchy slogans like "A Whole New World" and "You've Never Had a Friend Like Me"
Likely Political Endeavors:
foreign trade agreements would now add the condition of constructing a Disney themepark in at least five major cities.
feminist struggle in Iraq would culminate in disseminating a special edition of "Mulan"
world peace!
AOL/Time Warner -
Campaign Tactics:
a bajillion popups
offers of free extended trial membership to anyone who votes for them
installation disks at every voting booth
Likely Political Endeavors:
humanitarian efforts would focus on spreading the internet instead of food and medicine
Microsoft -
Campaign Tactics:
electronic voting set up nationwide, by them
Well, that's good enough really.
Likely Political Endeavors:
Anything they want.
Why? Microsoft fucks up all the time, but they're all we've got.
User Reviews
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you rock
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-13 05:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meh
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-28 07:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid cunt
Submitted by icarus9mm (user info) at 2004-10-28 00:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
clever. no really, i mean it.
asshat.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-18 19:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disney 04!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-10-18 17:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop trying to steal my boyfriend, you cunt! :oP
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-10-18 16:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not id, you need sierra. With counter strike training, terrorism would be a thing of the past!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-18 16:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wowzer. I wish I was this original.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-18 15:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is what I'm talking about people. This presidential debate is no more than a popularity contest when we should be focusing on the businesses and practices that BUY votes to pass the laws they want everyday.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-18 15:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Samer (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:55:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
ID Software made The quake series and the doom series and a bunch of other games.
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Are you people nuts?
Hmm, not much would change.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-10-18 15:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eli Lilly: Our drugs, your reality.
Submitted by Samer (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ID Software made The quake series and the doom series and a bunch of other games.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DJMatt: What's id software?
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
id software's got my vote.
They'd kick so much ass.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you.
Submitted by UberBot9000 (user info) at 2004-10-18 14:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd vote for Intel.