Rick and the Rhino (350 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rick (View user info) at 2004-10-18 20:53:20 EDT
Another one of my blasted English papers. I was basically supposed to compare my life to someone with a similiar life to me, but instead I was a jackass and said how my life is like a rhino's. First paragraph sucks, but its good from then on.
For my comparison paper, I'll be comparing the life of me, Rick *********, to the life of the average rhinoceros. For one thing, we both have really bad eyesight. My eye doctor told me without contacts, I'm legally blind. But we both have good hearing, so it makes up for it. Rhinoceroses and I both communicate through sound. I too grunt from time to time, or puff to indicate alarm. We both eat fruits. Why just today, I had an apple. We're so alike. While the twigs and grass outside did look tempting, the beef stir-fry was pretty filling and I had to let it go. A white rhino can stand 6 feet tall at the shoulder. I stand around 6 feet from my head. We both can live up to the late 40 years in age. I'll probably have a heart attack at the age of 48. A rhino's death will probably come from a poacher, who will mount the rhino's head on his wall to make a lovely decorating ornament.
We both mark our territory. Rhinos mark their territories with urine and dung piles that can be three feet high. I drink 24 cans of sprite, and pee around the radius of my house. I'd do it outside my dorm room, but I fear the police may have problems with me exposing myself, and urinating on public property. Male rhinos will fight each other, often using their horn to cause real damage, to protect their territory and to mate with females. My method of hording off trespassers is sitting on the rocking chair of my porch with a shotgun, as I lack horns. Well, maybe not. I just call the police and have them handle any people up to mischief.
Our body parts are both valuable. Rhino horn sells for from $ 21,000 to $ 54,000 per kilogram. My kidney could probably go for at least $50,000 on the black market. We are also very rare. There are only around 16,000 rhinos, and all species of it are endangered. Cloning technology isn't very developed at this moment, and there is only one of me. Some people believed that a rhino horn had powerful medicinal uses, ranging in use from stopping nosebleeds and headaches to curing diphtheria and food poisoning. I tried convincing a little kid that holding a tooth of mine would give him the ability to fly. I sold him one for $2, picked him up, and said, "Fly superman" as I threw him into a bush.
"In white rhinos, the male serenades his prospective partner with a characteristic courtship call, but despite this, she often responds by charging. It takes repeated approaches before the male can overcome her hostility, and even then he may remain with her for nearly three weeks until she is finally prepared to mate. A few days after mating has taken place, the male departs, leaving the female on her own. (Encarta)" When trying to get my prospective mates, I often use cheesy pickup lines, which may result in the female becoming unfriendly and I may get a slap in the face. Rhinos are like sleazy guys. They leave right after mating, and if the female becomes pregnant, they haul ass, leaving the females on their own to raise the offspring. The difference is that rhinos don't appear on talk shows such as Jerry Springer. When a female rhino is receptive, she may mate with several males. When a girl is overly friendly with me, she is most likely a skank who has indeed slept with several males. Heck, I know a few girls who probably have a good time with a rhino with the right dosage of alcohol.
I end this paper with a quote a friend of my once said, "Love is like a rhino, it is short sighted and hasty; if it cannot find a way, it will make a way."
User Reviews
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-18 22:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a horn..
...does that make me a freak?
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-18 20:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deep within the confines of my soul lies wherein an inherent calamity which cannot be sated.