My Roommate is a Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma Hastily Stuck Together With Duct Tape (2515 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.82 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2004-10-19 15:32:55 EDT
My roommate, Nick from Ohio, is an idiot when it comes to girls. No, that's not right. He's a complete and utter moron.
Some people might say we're friends because we're interested in similar things, but I say I just like to look good standing next to him. Well now that's not entirely true. I try not to stand next to him whenever I can.
The important thing to note here, however, is that he's my friend, and friends don't let friends not get laid.
As of about one month ago, Nick was in a bit of a drought, you see. It had been months since he had last gotten with a girl and many days since he last claimed to have gotten a blow job from my Mom. It's a bit of an understatement to say that, as his roommate and friend, it was my duty to get the kid laid. However, I had been trying for a while and nothing was working out.
Most weekends, and often times during the week, my five other roommates, Nick, and I host drinking parties to promote awareness of the dramatically declining number of diseased livers in the world. One weekend in the middle of September, my girlfriend and I contacted a friend of hers named Marissa at Boston University to come party at the apartment. She dropped by and we introduced her to Nick who promptly said, "Sooo, how YOU doin'?" causing everyone around to wonder if Jersey City is actually in Ohio.
A few awkward silences, five or six beers, and a third wheel or two to spark a conversation later, Nick and Marissa began to hit it off. My other roommate, Jeff, and I had a conversation about it from across the room.
"Check out Nick mackin' it to that girl," said Jeff. "He's like a pimp. No, he's more like Jesus."
"Maybe he's a pimped out Jesus who miraculously turns old Ford Pintos into Pink Cadillac convertibles," I said.
"That sounds about right," said Jeff. "So is he going to bang this chick?"
I considered this question carefully thinking about how I probably wouldn't be sleeping in my room if that happened.
"It would be cool," I said, "even if I do have to sleep in the living room. However, I think the important thing to note here is that Nick probably couldn't get laid if it was roofie night at the Avalon."
"Fair point," said Jeff. "What's up, Andy?" Just that moment Andy, another one of my roommates, walks up to our conversation. He was shaking like Muhammed Ali holding the torch in 1996, all the while looking like a brain-dead idiot with a goofy smile on his face.
"Dude," started Andy. "I am so wasted right now. Is Nick really going to bang that chick tonight?"
"We don't know," said Jeff. "You're shaking a bit there, Andy. Did you contract Parkinson's disease in the other room? Should I be standing this close to you?"
"What?" asked Andy obliviously.
"Nothing, champ," I said as he mindlessly slumped off. I turned to Jeff and pointed at Andy walking toward nowhere in particular. "Look at that, Jeff. There goes the greatest freaking athlete of all time brought down by a vicious disease. These days, his rallying cry is 'Float like a cinder block, sting like foam rubber.'" Suddenly I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that Nick was getting up with Marissa. They were walking directly toward our room.
"Looks like you're sleeping on the couch tonight, Jan," said Jeff who also noticed them.
"Go fuck yourself, Jeffrey." Although I was angry on the surface about this new predicament, I was excited on the inside about Nick getting a girl. My many weeks of work were finally coming to fruition.
As the night wore on, the party slowly died and the number of guests dwindled. Eventually I fell onto the couch and prepared myself for the wonderfully perfect, alcohol-induced sleep. However, the moment I closed my eyes, the door to my room opened. Nick poked his head out.
"Hey, Jan," said Nick, clearly drunk. "You don't have to sleep out here. You can sleep in your bed. It's fine. Thanks for giving me some time, though."
"No problem," I muttered as I got back up and walked into my room. I dropped onto my bed and once again prepared to go to sleep until I heard Nick from across the room.
"Oh, you're so hot."
"What?" I asked, forgetting momentarily that he was with a girl. "Oh nevermind." A few more moments passed and then...
"You know you like me, baby," said Nick. "I'm a mystery man."
"You're a mystery man?" asked Marissa.
"Yep," said Nick. "Right up until the point when you see my penis. Then, I guess, the mystery's been solved."
"Right," said Marissa.
"Oh my God!" said Nick rather loudly. "You have tumors on your chest! Actually, wait, those are just your breasts." I kept my laughter during this entire exchange quiet until he uttered a Quagmirean "Allllllllllllllllriiiiight" to follow up his comment. I was laughing loudly at that, and surprisingly enough, so was Marissa.
Universal Rule #1: You know you've hit the jackpot when you find a girl who lets you get away with raunchy jokes in bed and then follow it up with "Alllllllllllllriiiiight."
As the comments kept coming from my drunken roommate, I kept laughing hysterically until Marissa finally suggested to Nick that he ask if I go sleep on the couch.
"No way!" said Nick. "It's his room too, he can stay here."
I sat up proudly on my bed and said, "I'm here to support you, man, like a...um...like a..."
"Like a sports bra?" Nick suggested.
"Like a mother fucking sports bra," I concurred.
And support I did: I walked over and gave Nick the ever-classic high five, much to the eye-rollery of Nick's hot date.
They eventually quieted down and I got to sleep, but the damage had been done. Nick and Marissa are together now. My mission is officially complete.
Now if I was only a good enough friend not to post his shenanigans on the internet...
User Reviews
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 11:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Such a good friend you are!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-10-28 11:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the O&A plug in your MVA name.
I'm a huge fan of the show...been following them since they came to NY 5 years ago.
love it.
YEA XM!!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-10-26 01:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Though your entry kicked ass, it made me feel bad because i haven't been able to get my roomate laid.
Submitted by pot8tomanjack (user info) at 2004-10-26 01:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more should even it out a little bit.
Submitted by pot8tomanjack (user info) at 2004-10-26 01:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rest assured I've changed the password to something he'll never guess.
Sorry Habeeb, it's for your own good.
Submitted by pot8tomanjack (user info) at 2004-10-26 01:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucker, Habeeb, how'd you figure out the password?
Asshole.
Submitted by pot8tomanjack (user info) at 2004-10-26 01:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm going to murder you and rape your mother and dog at the same time
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-25 23:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That chick seems like cool shit.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-10-25 20:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No
Fuck you
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-10-24 19:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After the highfivery, I would have done both of you.
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-10-20 17:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Harharhar...
Weren't you the one telling me to post my UM entry quickly?
*taps fingers impatiently*
Oh, and $550 a month to share a room in an 8 person apartment/house? Jesus, you're getting stabbed in the pooper. I know guys who have their own room in the middle of Minneapolis for $300.
PS: I'm in Alicante, Spain right now and I have 2 guys from Northeastern in my program. I'm sure its a big school and Boston is an even bigger city, but maybe you know 'em. Wierd, huh?
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rated like ed fated.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-19 23:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the B@W nomination! Somehow, I seriously doubt it, though. Whatever, it's all good.
Submitted by horsesandouch (user info) at 2004-10-19 22:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W people, nominate it, you know you're compelled
Submitted by horsesandouch (user info) at 2004-10-19 22:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sat up proudly on my bed and said, "I'm here to support you, man, like a...um...like a..."
"Like a sports bra?" Nick suggested.
"Like a mother fucking sports bra," I concurred.
You are the fucking man, nice Buddy Christ picture btw
Submitted by monkey at 2004-10-19 21:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-19 20:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest
Post
Ever
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-19 20:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, lots of memorable quotes.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-19 20:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa. Tumors.
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Universal Rule #1: You know you've hit the jackpot when you find a girl who lets you get away with raunchy jokes in bed and then follow it up with "Alllllllllllllriiiiight."
Dear Diary,
JACKPOT!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good job amerikanski
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Here's a linkwhore: http://www.ubersite.com/m/48897
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Float like a cinder block, sting like foam rubber.'
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really thought this was funny. But at the same time I'm more than a little freaked out that you actually made it a top priority of yours to wet your buddies dick. What the hell?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Attaboy.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a comment, but then I banged the ever loving shit out of my knee on my desk and lost my train of thought.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this later as I have to go to class, but hot damn, have a +2 for that title!
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a pal. Cheers mate!! Good bloke factor.
-1 for a dangerous Jesus reference.
+2 for Family Guy references.
+1 for getting me to say "Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy!!"
I hope your mate knows how good of a friend you are.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 for the reply below.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy's gay lover at 2004-10-19 16:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This reminds me of something that happened to me last Christmas. Shlongy and I went home to meet his folks over the holidays. One night Shlongy was getting it real good in the pooper from yours truly, and in walks his dad. His old man let out this muffled cry, and quickly closed the door. After I finished on Shlongy's back, I went out and asked his dad what the problem was (seeing as how Shlongy is so flamingly queer). Turns out that the old fellow was startled to see his boy taking one for the team like old times, when Shlongy Sr. would "tuck in" Shlongy. Good times.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What? If munkey is coming, I sure as hell want to be there too! Why don't you ever send any hot college pussy my way?
Oh, right ... you have no fucking idea who I am. Never mind then.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
plus an extra million if the words "I'm a mystery man... until the moment you see my penis..." were ever actually uttered. You made me snarf my whiskey, damn you.
=======================================
If only you knew Nick. He says these kind of things often:
"So I was doing your mom in the pooper the other day when I realized she actually has a penis. I was shocked."
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus an extra million if the words "I'm a mystery man... until the moment you see my penis..." were ever actually uttered. You made me snarf my whiskey, damn you.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am soooo nick-like
Submitted by Thereisnogod (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FAG
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG LIKE UBER SUXX NOW!! NO 1 EVAR POSTS ANYTHING WORF READIN!!111
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and Munkey. You're always welcome.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:47:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nick is my hero. But I have to ask - seven roommates?
=========================================================
Four bedrooms, seven roommates. It's a bit cramped, but we each pay only $550 a month. Also it's on Hemenway Street really close to Northeastern where I go. Good location, shitacular apartment.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm going to have to try the quagmire line tone one of these days. think i can get away with it.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When are you going to invite Munkey to some college parties? Come
on man. I have my own beer bong and everything.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nick is my hero. But I have to ask - seven roommates?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I owe you a bunch of these for being an official pimpmaster.
Good story as well!
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-10-19 15:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutley fantastic.