The 3rd annual Labour Day family reunion/pig roast (363 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.08 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OrneryBastard (View user info) at 2004-10-19 16:05:48 EDT
Summer always goes out with a bang when my family's around.
A couple years ago we played a rousing game of "Find Lost, Drunken D Before He Drowns." The object of the game was to find my uncle who had disappeared after downing a twenty-sixer of rye in the span of an hour. Turns out he had hitchhiked home without telling anyone after making an ass out of himself. Despite a lacklustre ending, the game itself had its moments of brilliance, like when my grandfather told me to check the pool "just in case" while uncle D's wife stood right beside me.
Last year was "Brothers-in-law Death Match!" in which we had to restrain a drunken relative before he got his face punched in by a sober one.
This year's game of "Fuck you, Ryan!" a.k.a. "I hate immigrants and queers, even though they're all smarter than me" was probably the most fun of all, though.
Once again, this game involved the consumption of large quantities of alcohol.
On Saturday night, after setting up the pig on its spit, my dad, uncle J, uncle G and I sat around a bonfire, drinking and talking. We had all been drinking steadily all day and were all quite sauced, but one of us was quite a lot more outwardly drunk than the others -- uncle G.
This is pretty normal for uncle G. At every family get-together, he's the one we have to keep an eye on so he doesn't drive away in an alcohol-fuelled rage.
So, after some pretty mundane campfire convo, uncle G kicks in with his obnoxious shit about how immigrants are ruining our country and about how "queers" are sick and disgusting.
The three of us tried talking some sense into him for about 30 seconds, but soon gave up after everything we said go the same reply: "That's fuckin' bullshit."
After listening to him rant for about 20 minutes, he abruptly changed his target to Ontario's education system.
"I was telling (15-year-old daughter's name omitted) about a friend in Calgary, and she asked me if Calgary was in the province of Edmonton or Vancouver," quoth uncle G. "Can you believe that shit? What kind of education are these kids getting nowadays?"
After some half-hearted protests that the education system in Ontario has been the same for the past 40 years -- which, unsurprisingly, uncle G said was fuckin' bullshit ("When I was a kid, we actually learned shit in school") -- I asked a simple question.
"G, what's the capital of Norway?"
There was silence for a moment, followed by, "Fuck you, Ryan! That's fuckin' bullshit, and you know it. I was talking about my own country. You should know your own fuckin' country."
"Okay, fine. What's the capital of Saskatchewan?" I asked.
"Saskatoon."
"Um, no. That would be Regina."
"Ah, I fuckin' knew that. This is fuckin' bullshit. Fuck you, Ryan! Fuck you! You're fuckin' bullshit. The whole lot of you's is fuckin' bullshit. That's not the fuckin' point and you know it."
"Well, what is the point then?"
"Fuck off, Ryan. You don't know what I've been through. Nobody knows what I've been through (referring to his divorce, I'm guessing). You guys are fuckin' assholes. Fuck the lot of you."
And with that, he stormed off, presumably to pass out somewhere.
The next day all was forgiven, apparently. Sober uncle G made a point to tell everyone that I got him riled up last night, that I got him good, while clapping me on the back and laughing.
"Ah, yep, you got me good, Ry. It was all in fun, though."
Meanwhile, uncle J told everyone who arrived on Sunday to ask uncle G for the capital of Saskatchewan.
User Reviews
Submitted by ornerybastard (user info) at 2004-10-22 20:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a surprise. A retaliatory negative from yermom. How did I know he'd be so petty?
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2004-10-22 17:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thinking about it, your family seems to have a lot in common with mine.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ryan- Your family obviously needs to expand its' gene pool.
yee haw.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-10-19 17:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck you Ry
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck off, Ryan.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this Canadian humor?
I don't get it....
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-19 16:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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