The Van was a rockin, OnStar came a knockin (2442 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.97 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sublime <this.is.ross.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-20 12:35:33 EDT
Tuesdays are usually terrible for me. It is one of the worst days of the week only because i work on tuesdays. This week however i did not work on tuesday, I had a date on tuesday.
One thing that should be noted is that i have a little stutter and stammer (Yeah, I got it all), which usually impedes me a bit and makes me a nervous wreck, but tonight it was as if i was posessed by Burt Reynolds.
So there i am being as suave as i can in jeans and t-shirt with hole-filled shoes. I said all the right things and did all the gentlemanly things one would expect to do to impress a woman. All this within the confines of a pie establishment, I was more impressed with myself than she was with me.
We left the pie place and went into my car, (borrowed car). In lieu of taking her home i said, "wanna drive around for a bit?". She gave a little smile and said sure. My elbows went a little wobbly because her and I both know what was going to happen. She led me to a quiet spot and i parked the car there.
Once i put it into park we got right down to it. I'm not going to give many details because thats not the point of the story, but it was done so that she lay behind where the sitck shift would be(but there wasn't one), so her back and head would be on the unfolded back seat.
Now, the car was still running at this point, and i guess we were going pretty hard because suddenly this voice came on: "OnStar operator, we detect your car is in trouble, should we send assistance?".
At this point I wasn't really thinking, I looked at her and she didn't look like she had heard it, so I turned my head back and said, "No, now turn it off!". I think i could have phrased that better to the OnStar guy because when i turned my head forward again, he jaw had dropped, not in the good way either.
She looked at me genuinely terrified and said, "are... you recording this?". Whatever part of Burt Reynolds was in me had left at that point. I reacted on instinct and gave her a resounding "No", then i turned back to the dash and said, "Turn it the fuck off already!". I said that in a low tone but with alot of urgency that made my resounding No, sound like a lie of O.J proportions. So she screamed like hell, high pitched and loud, not in the good way either.
After she had screamed, the operator said, "Sir we are dispatching the police". I yelled really loudly, "No No No, Fucking Hell No!"
I can picture the OnStar operator in one of 2 situations. He is either A, scared shitless and thinks there is a serial killer in the car. Or he is B, laughing his balls off calling over all the other operators as they listen in to the debacle, guarding his headset so that one of his buddies doesn't yell, "Stick a finger up her butt man, they love that!". I would like to believe it was A, but it was probably B.
So there she goes out the passenger door, pantless, running barefoot. I stayed in the same position, waiting for my brain to catch up with the events that just occured. Then I pulled my pants up and just sat down for a moment, thinking "what the fuck?"
I must have been there longer than I had anticipated because a cop car pulled up beside me with a half naked girl in the back, one that looked really familiar.
The cop came out with a pretty nice grin on his face, probably because he picked up a naked chick. Anyways he came to me and asked me what happened. I told him everything, remembering to point to the dreaded OnStar console, he laughed at me and said, "next time turn the car off, one time i did that and the car went out of park, imagine, getting none and having to pay for bodywork, shitty day for me". I cracked a little smile and turned the car off, he looked at me and said, "attaboy". He let her out of the car so I can explain the whole thing. The cop drove off and we were back in my car, she had her pants back on now.
I looked at her and said, "uhhh, I'm sorry if you are..."
"I'm Sorry", she said.
Then i go, "so... uhhhhh..... you wanna...."-
-"Take me the fuck home"
"Ok"
User Reviews
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 08:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-11 22:53:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i got those days off, i'll be waiting
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-27 17:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
17 days fucker.
17 days.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-10-26 03:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-10-21 11:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did this really happen to you?
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks you didn't get laided man...
Heres a +2.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tragic. but funny.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That, sir, was a beautiful story.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Undoubtedly B@W
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-20 21:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sweet
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-20 20:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 20:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i think we're all brothers now.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-20 20:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lupe is Q's nickname for me.
Oh dear, I've said too much.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-20 20:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm... yeah. Sort of...
Oh man, this is akward..
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 20:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU KNOW LUPE?!?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-20 19:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! Oh you silly boy.
My anal cherry is long gone. That is unless you can find a rather becoming middle aged hispanic man named Lupe, I last saw him in San Pedro.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-20 19:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boner@Work
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 19:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about i take out your anal cherry and then you can buy me a lemon merangue.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-20 18:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you take me out for pie in November?
I like cherry and lemon meringue
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 18:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know it bitch.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-20 18:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who takes a girl out on a date for pie?
Sublime, that's who.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2004-10-20 18:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Priceless
Submitted by Dino (user info) at 2004-10-20 17:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Shit!
Submitted by Ken Godwin <tenacken.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-10-20 16:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-10-20 16:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:04:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. B@W anyone?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-20 16:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-10-20 16:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, ha.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoo!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I second that B@W because not often am I shocked by a post that makes me laugh.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You, my friend, are SMOOTH.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-20 15:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. B@W anyone?
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-10-20 14:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-10-20 14:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:39:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:47:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
five pounds? I got someone on the east side who is willing to pay 4 grand for it. should we talk to him?
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For four grand? He's either going to hold you up at gunpoint for it when you get there or he has some sort of brain disease which makes him pay a lot more than he should for drugs.
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4 grand canadian.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haahhahahahahaha
Damn GM
This story must get Beebed
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:47:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
five pounds? I got someone on the east side who is willing to pay 4 grand for it. should we talk to him?
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For four grand? He's either going to hold you up at gunpoint for it when you get there or he has some sort of brain disease which makes him pay a lot more than he should for drugs.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-20 13:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Turn it the fuck off already!". I said that in a low tone but with alot of urgency that made my resounding No, sound like a lie of O.J proportions
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
for not being so explicit
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
attaboy! next time, back seat...
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by ToastEatingBastard (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also a good topic: how OnStar made me a PornStar
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Nice work, Bandit! Smooth as sandpaper...
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHH HAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
five pounds? I got someone on the east side who is willing to pay 4 grand for it. should we talk to him?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He didn't notice the five pounds of pot sitting in your trunk? By the way I need that by tomorrow and you're only getting 2k for it. I gotta pay for my spleen surgery somehow godammit!
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good piece of writing...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man that sucks.
Funny!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA peener!!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment