Goldielocks and the Three Felonies (910 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lutes <absolutes18.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-20 23:42:52 EDT
Once upon a period of time vaguely recalled as the sixties, two stereotypical hippies gave birth to a beautiful golden-haired girl. Naturally, being on various drugs, Mr. and Mrs. Treehug believed that it would be extremely clever to name their child Goldielocks. Originally regarded as cute and appropriate, other parents complimented their intelligence for coming up with such an idea. However, as fate would have it, Goldielocks grew to be a horribly awkward and drab brunette who was mercilessly scorned during her childhood as a result of her name. All of this ridicule combined with the traumatic life that teenagers inevitably experience helped to create a very sullen girl. This pretty much ruled out the "she has a sunny disposition" explanation of her name.
True to her rebellious angst, a now eighteen-year-old Goldielocks cut math class one day. Unfortunately the world obviously has a vendetta against the girl, and soon she found herself caught in a storm while wearing white. Soaked and theoretically nude, Goldielocks sought the nearest shelter: someone else's car. Cheered from joyriding, Goldielocks decided it would be an even smarter idea to break into a stranger's house and stay there until the storm was over. Apparently the Treehug logic runs in the family.
Spotting a seemingly empty house, Goldielocks jimmied the window open as effortlessly as she had hot-wired the car, having previously learned these skills from an online course. Bored, she wandered into the kitchen and spotted three assorted bottles of alcohol sitting on the counter. Intrigued by their shiny labels, Goldielocks figured that ten in the morning was a perfect time to start drinking. She took a quick swig from the largest bottle before spitting out the liquid in disgust.
"This whiskey is too strong!" she exclaimed, even though there was no one around to hear or care about what she was saying. Wasting no time, Goldielocks then moved to the medium sized bottle and followed suit.
"This peach schnapps is too warm!" she complained before drinking the rest of the contents, nevertheless.
Lastly she reached the third bottle; it was a small, but proud vodka cooler. Goldielocks quickly downed this drink as well, but by this point was already too inebriated to vocally indicate whether she had enjoyed it.
Dizzy and increasingly sluggish, Goldielocks stumbled her way towards the bedroom, randomly knocking over priceless coke bottles and TV dinners. There was only one bed in the room, but in her current state of intoxication she envisioned three different beds with varying sizes and textures. After trying out the first bed, which was actually a cardboard box, she decided it was too soft and smelt like a homeless man. Next she moved on to the second bed, but soon realized and howled and scratched like a cat. Finally she reached the third, and actual bed, but missed it completely and rolled unconsciously to the hardwood.
As the universe was once again conspiring against her, the storm caused a power failure across the entire town, and the owners of the house in which Goldielocks was currently passed out were sent home early from their jobs. Despite being inbred hillbillies, even Mr. and Mrs. Cusins noticed that something was different: a car that actually worked, a somehow cleaner house, and most importantly, missing alcohol. Grabbing their trusty rifles, the couple called the police and made their way upstairs to confront their intruder. Mr. and Mrs. Cusins were taken aback by the sight of a mousy hooker-like teenager sprawled on their floor, and proceeded to wave their guns and scream about how the baby needed his vodka coolers to sleep at night. Frightened and still slightly drunk, Goldielocks fled the house in the already stolen vehicle.
At hearing the wail of advancing police sirens, Goldielocks abandoned the car and ran into a nearby patch of woods in hopes of finding a safe hiding place. This was the smartest thing she had done all day, and Goldielocks collapsed onto a tree stump to mentally congratulate herself. Unfortunately, as she did so, an abnormally large, rabid bear crossed her bear. Goldielocks tried to ward off the beast with the jar of honey she always carried in her purse, but it was too late.
After their daughter's funeral, Mr. and Mrs. Treehug vowed never to do drugs again.
User Reviews
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-05 16:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomeness
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-10-21 01:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Sade (user info) at 2004-10-21 00:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than TV, and nearly as good as drugs, sex, violence, and other assorted forms of mayhem. Rock!
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very original. Twisted fairly tales rock.
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Should be "realized IT howled..." not and
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.