This Time Around... (1236 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-10-21 17:47:11 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
The chipmunks outside my house (and I don't mean Alvin, Simon, and Theodore) are quietly planning a palace coup. I truly believe these particular chipmunks are crafty bastards with their minds bent on the complete conquest of my home, and with murder in their black little hearts. Oh devilish deviants demanding domination, I know who you are, and I have my eye upon you.
A few weeks ago, I started noticing an inordinately high number of chipmunks perusing the treeline behind my house. In a perfect world, I would think nothing of it, and merely enjoy the sight of my daughters feeding them, and the animals expressing their pleasure with their seemingly harmless "rik-tik-tik" sounds. But no. These chipmunks were giving me a Look. The kind of Look that said, "You thinks we're beggars, but soon we shall overcome our oppression and feast upon your rotting corpse". At least, that's what the Look said to me. To my daughters, the Look said, "We're hungry, feed us". But I'm older and know better, the sneaky bastards.
At my youngest daughter's urging, I held out a handful of sunflower seeds to feed one of the brutes, and it bit me. Not hard, but hard enough to make me jump up and run away screaming like a little bitch. Goddamned monsters.
A few days later, I went out to the back patio to start up the grill for some tasty brats (the sausage, not the children), and I saw that they had crapped all over my fucking patio furniture. There was chipmunk shit all over everything. The chairs. The table. The umbrella stand. I shouted to the sky and railed against God, "Will it never end, O Lord?!"
And finally, the other day I went up to the attic to get some thing or other, and noticed that the chipmunks HAD GNAWED THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF SHINGLES AND HAD GOTTEN INTO THE FUCKING ATTIC. The entire place smelled like chipmunk shit. There were literally a half dozen of those duplicitous rodents lying in wait to kill me.
I consider myself a peaceful man, but I can only be pushed so far before I fucking snap. These chipmunks knew that, yet they continued to taunt me. It shall not stand, do you understand me? It. Shall. Not. Stand. This time around, it'll be different. It's just that I need to scare them away somehow.
But what in the world will scare a chipmunk?
Chipmunks are scared of dogs, right? Well, my dog is a 13-year old Golden Retriever who is about as active as a bag of pudding. I swear to God, if the fucking chipmunks ran up to her and started defecating on her face, I don't think she'd even take a swipe at them, let alone get up and chase them down. What to do? What to do? I know! I'll go to the Disney™ Store and buy a 101 Dalmatians® costume and pretend I'M a dog! That'll scare the piss out of them, right?
Let's see, what else are they scared of? What about Ninjas? Bingo! I went upstairs and grabbed a black T-shirt out of my dresser and made an impromptu ninja mask out of it. Not perfect, but more than adequate for the job at hand. It's not like I needed to infiltrate a hollowed out volcano and take down Ernst Stavro Blofeld™ and the rest of S.P.E.C.T.R.E®. It was just a bunch of maniacal chipmunks. Right?
What else? What else could possibly strike fear into those dastardly creatures? I thought and thought, and I came up with nothing. Man, how I wished someone was here to help me come up with crazy ideas. Wait! That's it! Homer Simpson! He's the king of crazy ideas! But unfortunately, he's not real, and I'd already bought the dog outfit. Maybe I could wear my Homer Simpson slippers as a substitute? Hell, it couldn't hurt. On they went.
So that was it. Dog suit? Check. Ninja mask? Check. Homer slippers? Check. I was absolutely positive that I would scare the nasty entrails out of those damn chipmunks. Shit, I almost gave my WIFE a heart attack when she saw me, and she's used to my dumb ass. The chipmunks would have no chance against a wily fucker like me.
Just to be safe, I bought a shotgun to take those motherfuckers down. And a rake.
User Reviews
Submitted by joekerland (user info) at 2005-04-28 17:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fan fugging tastic!
did you win though or have the chipmunks annexed your attic?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 11:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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