Playing With Fire (329 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monarch (View user info) at 2004-10-22 03:56:16 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
It is dark.
It is... cold.
I know, that sounds cliché, doesn't it? Well, maybe it is, but give me a chance.
I got up this morning and went to work, just like every morning. In the evening, I returned home only to go to sleep and repeat the process again. Work, sleep, work, sleep... was life always this boring? I don't think it was. I seem to remember a time when everything in life seemed new and exciting. But in the intervening years, things have slowly gotten darker.
I can't really pinpoint a time when things started to change. But I do remember noticing that things were getting darker. Each day, this endless drudgery that we call life dulls the flames of my world just a little more. Every single day I do the same things, and the light seems a little bit darker. Every day the world is getting colder.
The spark of life has gone out of the world.
I think it's taking a part of me with it. I no longer find solace in my old hobbies and activities. I attempted to watch TV the other day. It disgusted me and I felt more alone than ever.
Until I found the fire.
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At first it seemed so innocent. Candles, kerosene lamps, matches. Small flames. I liked the feeling of having the open flame near me, it comforted me. I never even considered why, it just felt so good to feel something again. Besides, a few candles is no big deal.
Except that it isn't just a few anymore. Every surface in the small apartment is covered. Candles and lamps are everywhere. Where on earth had I gotten them all anyhow? Things seem more like a dream than reality now.
Huge scented candles, tall beeswax tapers, tiny votive tea lights. Oil and kerosene of all shapes and sizes. Lighters, match books, and butane canisters are strewn everywhere. I can't seem to remember where they had all come from, or what's going on.
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I spend more and more time every night staring at burning matches. Taking matches from the box, one by one, and watching them burn. Staring at each match as the flame slowly crawls down towards my fingers. Dropping the match at the final second, before it burns me.
Fear I may be going slightly insane.
More and more often lately, we have not been dropping the matches. I watch silently while the flames extinguish themselves against my fingers, scorching and burning my flesh.
Yes... I am aware of what that means.
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Sometimes the matches aren't good enough. We need something stronger, more powerful. Something that shines even more light into our darkened world. Something to make us feel warm.
We begin to try new things. Gasoline is good, but smells bad. People ask us questions that we are hard pressed to answer. Maybe I should try other flammables. Something that burns long and slow, something that heats us up. Something to keep us warm.
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Sanity is the furthest thing from my mind at this point. I haven't been back to work in over two months. I'm thinking I might try explosives just to see what it's like. But that seems too messy, too loud. There's no lasting warmth and light from an explosion anyhow. Just a blast of heat and light that disappears as quickly as it came.
I'm no pyromaniac, I'm just trying to stay warm. This world holds nothing for me anymore, but the flames still warm us. We need them to keep going. We need them to keep breathing. We need them.
We thought of bonfires. That means some place further from the city, but it could be done. Maybe somewhere in the woods, where we always had more wood? Then we wouldn't need to let the fire stop. That would we good.
I would like it if the flames didn't go away, they keep us so warm.
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I was beginning to worry that things may have gone too far...
...but maybe not.
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I felt more like my old self today. I took a few minutes away from tending the bonfire to write a little bit in this journal. I confess, I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I can't control it. Occasionally I'm clear headed enough to question what is going on in my life, but that always ends before I get to any conclusions.
I don't know where I go from here.
I've taken a look at some of my older writings, and they worry me. It seems I've gone a bit off the deep-end. These clear headed moments are few and far between lately.
I'm playing with fire here. Literally, and metaphorically. I'm not really sure how much longer I've got left.
I can't seem to maintain any longer. What's going on here? I've looked over some of the things I've been writing about in here, and I'm getting scared.
I'd better get going. It's sort of cold out here in the woods, and I'm starting to shiver. Maybe I'll build a fire to keep warm.
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Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 11:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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