Phone Sex Operators Are Losing Their Edge (42604 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.89 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2004-10-22 11:43:51 EDT
My girlfriend has been in Virginia for two weeks. Two fucking weeks, and I've been a mess frankly. With my girlfriend hundreds of miles away I had nothing to plant my seed into. I've been beating off onto cats, lawn chairs, gas tanks, duct tape, vacuum cleaners, orange marmalade, and buckets of hot water. Nothing has satisfied my sexual appetite.
Then I saw her. She radiated from the screen and beckoned me to call her private line. "Call now so we can get to know each other, one on one". Oh man this chick was smokin! I had to contact her before some other guy fucked it up because he's a loser who calls chicks for sex. See i'm different, I have a girlfriend and calling for sex, therefore I am just horny but still sickeningly cool.
There was some nonsense about charging $4.99 a minute, but I was sure when I laid out my silky smooth voice onto her ears she'd cancel out the charges and just want to masturbate to me talking about politics and anal bondage. I picked up the reciever and dialed into "Late Night Fantasies"
Phone Hooker: Hey baby, what's your name?
Me: Hey! I'm uh, uh....David Spade.
PH: You sound different this time David...
Me: He actually calls this shit? Uh, I mean, I've got tuberculosis. So, yeah I'm dying.
PH: Aw baby! I'm gonna have to take special care of you tonight.
Me: Yes! Take off your clothes and burn them you whore!
PH: Easy there big guy. Don't you want to take things slow at first?
Me: I'm about to climax here and you're just jabbering blah blah nonsense!
PH: I'm slowly removing your jacket, breathing all over you while I rub my legs up against your member...
Me: Hold up a second...
PH: What's wrong baby?
Me: You don't do any sound effects? What's it sound like when you rub against me? Hello?
PH: You want to hear the sound, that my legs would make...rubbing...
Me: This is my time! Not yours! If I want you to rip out your eyeballs and stick them in your uterus then that is exactly what you will do!
PH: Ok then...swoosh....swoosh.....svish.....
Me: Am I at a fucking basketball game? Swoosh swoosh? Let's skip that and get to the good stuff. I need to hear you make the mating call of whales.
PH: I, I don't even know what that sounds like!
Me: And you call yourself a phone hooker? Maybe I should try "Late Night Erotica" instead...
PH: Alright I'll do it! ....
Me: Well?
PH: Mooooreeeeeyooooouuuuuu......Reeeeyooorrroooooohhhh....
Me: *sniffs* beautiful.
PH: Thank you.
Me: You're a whore. God I'm aching super bad!
PH:Ok well.....I'm going up and down! Up and down! Oh it feels so good!
Me: Quit bungee jumping and cater to my penis!
PH: Oh baby! You're so big! Oh, you're SO big!
Let's stop for a second. I've had weight problems since the tender age of 9, and managed to keep myself at a normal, healthy weight for 3-4 years. Now I know the phone hooker might not have meant to call me fat, but hey, she slipped and did it, I had to rip her apart emotionally.
Me: You bitch! I have watched my weight for years and you decide to call me fat now?
PH: But I was talking about...David you KNOW you're not fat!
Me: Hold it bitch! Now I can't help genetics and all, but at least I'm trying to make something of myself, I'm not whoring myself out for free over the phone to random guys!
PH: It's $4.99 a minute honey.
Me:....
PH: Listen here sonny. I'm 37 with three kids at home bitching to me all the time about "what's for dinner mommy?" or "It's career day at work! What are you gonna tell them you do this time mom?". I deal with shit everyday that would fucking bury you, so if you're done I'd like to hang up now and pleasure a man who ACTUALLY appreciates what I'm doing!
Me: Oh! Oh God! Yes!
It took her close to 15 minutes to realize that I have a fetish for women who become enraged and yell at me. I slept like a baby and even forgot to call my women for the 5th day in a row.
So fellas, don't bother with these sex lines my brothers. It takes them forever to figure out how to get your jollies off. That and farm animals can get the job done twice as fast.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lianne260987 (user info) at 2006-08-15 06:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace! Truely ace!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-24 21:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's fun to run across older posts that I've never read. I see why this was B@W.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-24 21:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe i already rated...but too lazy to look.
Submitted by hael (user info) at 2005-08-24 21:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny, i liked it
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-23 14:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-13 05:30:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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Oooh look I already rated this.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-13 05:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-01-21 11:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2005-01-05 12:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When my girlfriend is out of town, I beat off with driveway gravel.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strangle little cookie...
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-14 18:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on B@W!!
Submitted by Plap (user info) at 2004-11-05 13:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The mating sound of whales part made this +2 possible.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-02 23:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Yes.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty funny.
Submitted by YourMom <your.at.mom.com> at 2004-11-01 12:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-10-30 12:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-10-30 11:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-29 09:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
I missed this one.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-10-29 04:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo B@W congrats
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks fellas. BROTHERS FOR LIFE YO.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-28 14:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W. It's been a long time coming.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-28 12:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOOOO BORED AT WORK BROTHERS
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-28 12:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-10-28 11:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i saw it on B@W.
then i started reading it. it was ok.
then out of left field i get nailed with "Me: Yes! Take off your clothes and burn them you whore!"
great post.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-10-28 10:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
Absolutely hysterical.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-28 10:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't see this coming! B@W baby!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-10-28 08:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't quite knock my socks off like I thought it would, but funny nonetheless. Congrats on B@W.
Submitted by Hugeos (user info) at 2004-10-28 08:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-10-28 04:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how marvelous
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-10-28 04:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! Oh my fucking god, this was truly the kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-25 15:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god...
"Me: Hey! I'm uh, uh....David Spade.
PH: You sound different this time David...
Me: He actually calls this shit? Uh, I mean, I've got tuberculosis."
"Me: Yes! Take off your clothes and burn them you whore!
PH: Easy there big guy. Don't you want to take things slow at first?
Me: I'm about to climax here and you're just jabbering blah blah nonsense!"
"Me: This is my time! Not yours! If I want you to rip out your eyeballs and stick them in your uterus then that is exactly what you will do!"
"...I have a fetish for women who become enraged and yell at me."
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-23 01:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Sniff* Aw man.
"*Smack!* We havin' ghetto mac and cheese bitches! Shut yo face!"
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-23 00:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Ha-haha-ha-dee-har-harg-hee....
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-22 22:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: *sniffs* beautiful
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-10-22 21:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Hysterical.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-22 19:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-22 19:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very freakin' hilarious.
Submitted by Ras (user info) at 2004-10-22 18:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Me: Quit bungee jumping and cater to my penis! "
Classic.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-22 17:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Words... cannot... express.... feelings..... of.... hilarity.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-22 16:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Max power.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:43:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like virtually everything you post.
Let's hang out and get drunk and talk like this to real women. I do all the time.
--------------------------------------------------------
Deal. I usually only deal with prostitutes and the like but I think not paying for sex could be exciting.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit thats good stuff
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like virtually everything you post.
Let's hang out and get drunk and talk like this to real women. I do all the time.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Silvr,
I appreciate the surveillance of my girlfriend. Make sure she stays away from laundry detergent and guys with afros, she loves them for some reason.
My staying quarters are fine. Hector serves us 5 meals a day, and we even hit the local bars now and again. Harry Connick can be shot for all I care, I've had enough of swimming is piss as well.
Submitted by motherbitches (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your girlfriend has been under surveillance since she came across the state line of VA. Her business here is being conducted in the most virtuous manner, I assure you. Should something arise, Acme brand hired goons are available at your request.
I trust you're finding your Guatemalan accomodations acceptable. Hector has told me that you are an excellent houseguest. His only request is that you make Mr. Connick, Jr. stop pissing in the pool.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-10-22 15:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this deserves the B@W treatment.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-10-22 14:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Except for me it has been 6 weeks.
My right arm is becoming......................
errrr..... Never mind.
-Davros
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-22 14:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold from paragraph 1
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-22 14:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-22 14:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kid tested, mother approved.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-22 14:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heeheheehehe
Submitted by Halo_Of_Retards (user info) at 2004-10-22 13:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sean Cross <Beetlebub.at.aol.com> at 2004-10-22 11:52:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
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Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:41:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!!
-----------------------------
Agreed. I request that this author gets what's long overdue.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-10-22 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was beautiful man.....
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-22 13:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:44:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
aahahaha
Freak. You probably like taking it up the ass too. Like being the bitch, huh?
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Yes. Wait a minute, taking what up the ass? A hammer? If you mean a hammer then definitely.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aahahaha
Freak. You probably like taking it up the ass too. Like being the bitch, huh?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!!
I thought I was the only one who got off on women who become enraged and yell at me.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:25:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
mom?
-----------------------
No, your mom with's me washing my car and giving me hummers for pocket change.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mom?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three snaps in a Z formation!!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little too much Crank Yankers for me, but good nonetheless.
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:54:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
"I slept like a baby and even forgot to call my women for the 5th day in a row. "
Lemme guess, you reside in Utah?
---------------------------------------------
I wish! Polygamy and Mormons rock!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
"I slept like a baby and even forgot to call my women for the 5th day in a row. "
Lemme guess, you reside in Utah?
Submitted by HyDrA (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
fucking
nice
Submitted by Sean Cross <Beetlebub.at.aol.com> at 2004-10-22 11:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as usual.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cats? lawn chairs? DUCT TAPE?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have thought that the worst possible thing to happen on a phone sex line would be for a chick to talk about her kids. Well, whatever turns you on I guess...
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-10-22 11:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bravo!