39 cents for tuna! (960 hits)
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Rating: 1.79 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2004-10-23 12:20:19 EDT
Jessie and my dad came over yesterday. I bought a new couch and I needed them to go to the store and pick it up for me.
They are both fifty years old, with big beer bellies and skinny legs. My dad is loud, Jessie is quiet. They both worked at Ford since they were 18. They met on the Trim Line 14 years ago. They retired within a month of each other, and they are quickly adjusting to their new lifestyle.
But on with the Couch story:
"Jessie, see, those leaves will blow out of the back now." My dad said, referring to the pile of shit in the back of the truck.
"Nah, Carl, they aren't going anywhere." Dad speeds up, jessie monitors the leaves.
They are both funny, but instead of laughing at each other, they either ignore the others humor, or simply smile. We get to Valu City and they wander off, looking at recliners. I find my dad, but we've lost Jessie. The salesman comes up and asks if we need help, dad says, "Yeah, we're looking for a little mexican guy that's chewing tabacco."
They spend ten minutes sitting in the chairs, "Sit in that one, Carl, sit there. That's a nice chair!".
"Yeah man, this is nice. Yeah. Nice and comfortable. Good prices, too." I show them the couch I bought, "Wow, that's a good price, Corinne. They have good prices. I'm going to bring your mom here this weekend to look around."
They load the couch into the truck and we're off. "That store does have good prices. That leather recliiner was only five hundred. The cheapest leather one at Art Van is almost a thousand!"
"Yah, Carl, did you see that god damn bedroom set? That was a good price on that."
"Yah, they mark furniture up a lot. It's nothin'! It's just a wood frame and some springs and foam and material. That place is pretty nice though, I've never seen prices that good, either."
Dad takes a break from talking about the prices and starts a story about legionaires disease. I say, "What is that?". He explains it to me... the whole story.
"Well there were a bunch of veterans at a hotel, and they all got sick from the ventilation. Nobody knew what it was... they were all dying off and it was months later that they found out what caused it. Thats why they named it legionaires disease... because the guys from the legion were the first affected."
Oh. I thought it was a guys name... Lee Generes.
"I think I'm gonna put some of that god damn garlic in my chili tonight, Carl." Says jessie.
"Yeah? I put some of it in the stew I made last week, its good."
"Yeah, it's cheaper than regular garlic, too. Plus it's easier to use, just scoop it in."
"Yeah."
"Hey look, there's a god damn Cattlemans!" Jessie points to a run-down store off to our left.
"Oh yeah, I didn't know they had one of those out here!"
I ask what Cattlemans is, and they both excitedly tell me about the full slabs of ribs they sell, fresh produce, plus- (the most exciting part) It's CHEAP!
"Hey, Aldis!" dad points to our right. Jessie seems excited. "Hey, Corinne, you don't care if we stop here, do you?".
"I dont care."
"Okay, I just need onions."
We park and the guys hop out, I'm told to stay and watch the couch.
Forty-Five minutes later they stroll out with a cart full of food.
"Corinne, scoot over, put this by your feet." He hands me a bag full of canned tuna.
"What's all this tuna for?" There had to be 30 cans of tuna.
"Oh, it's cheap! At home the cheapest tuna is 79 cents, this stuff was only 40 cents! It's like someone giving me 39 cents to buy the tuna here instead!"
Jessie chimes in, "Yeah, it's god damn cheap!"
The trip to get the couch has now passed the two hour mark.
Instead of hopping on the e-way, we take some odd back road. "That's where your mom works." Dad slows down and points at a blue warehouse. "See there, where it says Ford?". I see no such thing. He pulls in, "See?". No. "See?" He says as we get closer.
"Oh yeah, I see... it says Ford above the door there?"
"Yeah, that's where she works."
"Okay."
Two and a half hours.
We're on the home-stretch now. We've got the couch, got groceries, and I've seen where mom works.
"Hey carl, go to the god damn credit union, will ya?"
ARGHHHHHHHHHH
"Why? Don't you have direct deposit?"
"Yah yah, but I want to check to see if it's there, plus if I get the god damn money out from the credit union I don't have to pay that two dollar fee at the other ATM."
"Oh, okay."
On a friday afternoon the credit union is the place to be. All the people who just got out of work drive over to cash their checks. Dad and I sit in the truck and wait for Jessie. Dad tells me who everyone is.
"See that guy right there? He drives the hi-low. He's an asshole." Dad waves at him.
Jessie comes back, "God damn, did you see that asshole, Jim? That hi-low driver?"
"Yeah."
Three hours.
Dad turns out of the lot, and the groceries Jessie has by his feet fall out of the bag and roll around the floor. Jessie leans over to clean up the mess. "You here, right here god damn salsa. Oh, ketchup man, you go here!! Tuna Tuna Tuna! Tuna come back here!"
Dad smiles, "Jessie, you're gonna be a funny old man."
"Hey! Carl! Lets go to that camper place down the road here!"
"For what? We don't need to go there."
"No no, I gotta get my fan! The camper place by my house charges a dollar more for the same fan!"
"Oh, alright."
They leave me in the truck again. Twenty minutes go by. Thirty. Thirty five. My dad comes back to the truck with a guy who is stuck in the seventies. He has hair like the guy from Threes Company, tight pants, and a western style shirt with pearl buttons. He also has a scar across his forhead. A huge scar. HUGE. Looks like somone took a knife to his noggin.
They putz around with some wiring harness. They pop the hood and point at things. They kneel down by the tailgate to look at the trailer hitch.
"How much is it to have this installed?" My dad waves the wires at the guy.
"Hundred and fifty."
"FOR WIRES? A hundred and fifty to hook up FOUR WIRES?"
Jessie joins in, "A hundred and fifty!! I could by a flight to Vegas for that! C'mon Carl." They leave the Threes Company guy in their cheap-wake.
The rest of the ride home (forty minutes) they go back and forth about the hundred and fifty dollars.
"That asshole is nuts."
"No shit! Asshole, a hundred and fifty."
"Bastard."
"I'll be god damned if he thinks you'll pay that."
After they get the couch in my apartment my dad starts bringing in the bags of groceries. "Here, I bought this stuff for you."
"Dad, I do not need eight million cans of tuna."
"Save it! It's only 39 cents... it won't go bad."
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-14 04:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna have sex with that girl, even though I have no idea who she is.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-10-28 04:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your dad sounds like my wife
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bahahahhahahahaha
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen, yah, my dad is pretty cool. Yesterday we went to church (it sucked, but my nephews were getting baptised)... and they came around with the collection baskets...
He gave them a 10 dollar canadian bill. He was quite amused at himself.
****
Caul...
(but they don't say "wa wa"... and at this point, I NEED to hear that)
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE this. Your dad sounds like quite a character.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(americans have penises too! circumsized ones!)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
(the drive is too far!)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(??? WHY ???)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
(I'm never having sex again)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, it was. you could've said something like "kittens are cute like you Caul". Or something about women that love their cats more than their man so that being on par with them is a big favor.
You know, SOMEthing funny!?!
(just kidding, let's have sex)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like you because you ARE an animal...!
;)
(haha god that was a stupid comeback)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-25 13:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So to you I'm just an animal? A mere kitten?
Thanks I guess.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-25 13:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul... then you wont mind if I invite you over to share the tuna with my cats? I can put three cans on the floor for you guys!
Maybe even a fourth for apollo!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-25 12:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah I like kittens. I just fucking hate hamsters and rodent shit-machines.
Why?
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-25 12:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What FreshPrince said.
Submitted by ginger (user info) at 2004-10-24 02:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you poor thing!! but at least you got a good (?) and funny memory of the ol' man and his pal out of it!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-23 21:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tuna rules.
I too eat a LOT of tuna.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-23 20:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul... do you like kittens?
Herp- now that you live in Idaho you should stop thinking about my futon, really!
Submitted by MidWestCoastStyle'n <mwcoaststyle.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-10-23 19:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HawkeyesTheGAME (user info) at 2004-10-23 17:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-23 17:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Vanilla (user info) at 2004-10-23 16:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You here, right here god damn salsa. Oh, ketchup man, you go here!! Tuna Tuna Tuna! Tuna come back here!"
hahaha that was my favourite part. Seeing as I don't have my voice, I cackled.
mmmmm corn nugget.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-23 16:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-23 15:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this kind of awesome came in a can, it'd probably be priced about $4.35
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-10-23 15:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skoobiesnaks (user info) at 2004-10-23 15:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/49437
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-10-23 14:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I'm eating a can of tuna right now.
Oh yeah, the story was great, too.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-23 14:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, if you don't want your tuna, I'll take it. I eat A LOT of tuna!
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-10-23 14:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're making my day better, one story at a time
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Werd.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. That futon was a piece of shit. Just sitting on it for 3 minutes would make my back want to kick me in the ass.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Dad sounds awesome. It makes me miss my Dad. Oh sadness.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, yes, I'm terrible at spelling... I usually use www.spellcheck.net, but I was too lazy today.
Well, I live in Michigan, and we have SOME aldi's here... not many, though.
Herp- I moved the futon out onto the patio. Xander uses that now. My couch is awesome. I haven't had a real couch in two years!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love trips like that.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No more shitty futon eh?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-23 13:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to make up
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck..mena tot give a +2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
like my grandparents...exactly.
are all the aldi's in upstate NY?
theres a bunch here in cuse.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeah, we're looking for a little mexican guy that's chewing tabacco."
Any story that includes even the slightest reference to chew warrants a +2 from me, even if TOBACCO is spelled wrong.
+2
Espo
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 because I feel your pain. Does your father unplug all the things in your house when he goes to bed?
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I think I'm gonna put some of that god damn garlic in my chili tonight, Carl." Says jessie.
"Yeah? I put some of it in the stew I made last week, its good."
"Yeah, it's cheaper than regular garlic, too. Plus it's easier to use, just scoop it in."
"Yeah."
I have a jar of that stuff, too. It's really good.