No Expectations (256 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (View user info) at 2004-10-24 07:32:41 EDT
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Jensen walked into the stuffy kitchen, his shiny black leather shoes barely making a noise on the dilapidated linoleum flooring. A wearying afternoon sun struggled to make its presence known, pale yellow light dribbling in through the window. To Jensen's left, the refrigerator gurgled briefly before launching into a symphony of rattling and vibration in a manner entirely unbecoming of a well-functioning appliance. The peeling paint and rusting corners merely confirmed the theory that the old Westinghouse should have been put out to stud years ago.
A plastic fridge magnet clung tightly to the fridge door, offering anyone interested enough to examine it a Fritz Perl quote:
"I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine."
Jensen's gaze travelled over the magnet and rested on the paper it was holding to the fridge. The paper, it turned out, was a slightly crooked photocopy of page 14 of the July issue of Lookin' For Love Magazine. It was a recipe.
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BUTTERED UP DATES
Ingredients:
- 1 Date
- 2-3 bottles of wine (or 2-3 empty wine bottles filled with cask wine)
- A handful of menus from local restaurants with delivery services
- 1 Stereo device
- Romantic music (to taste)
- Appeal (advantageous, but not necessarily vital)
- Several candles
- 1 Box of matches or 1 cigarette lighter
- Several newspapers or magazines
Dates, the only vital ingredient of this recipe, are often the hardest to acquire. They come in many varieties and can be found almost anywhere human civilization exists. Searching your local newspaper's 'Personals' section or joining a dating service are common methods used to obtain dates. If you are lucky, you may even be able to find some at your local supermarket. (For more information, see our 10-page feature "Where to Hunt for Honey", from Page 22.)
The other ingredient of note is 'Appeal'. This too comes in many varieties; material wealth, fame, physical appearance, intellect and personality are often viable forms of appeal. If you feel you lack appeal, do not despair. Just remember: there is always someone as desperate as you are unappealing - it's just a matter of finding them.
Method:
Step #1:
Set a time for your date to come to your house. Be sure that they know the address. Giving your date the incorrect address or failing to meet them at the designated time can result in the date going bad.
Step #2:
Prior to their arrival, set up your stereo device and romantic music. If you find that you have no romantic music, Barry Manilow records are often available in the 'bargain bin' at most good record stores. (Lookin' for Love Magazine's very own compilations, "Romance, baby" Volumes I - VII can be ordered using the form supplied on page 48.)
Step #3:
Set up the candles in the room in which you plan to eat. The dining room or kitchen are recommended. Do not place candles near curtains, or other items that can catch fire. It is difficult to set your date's soul on fire while your house is burning down.
Step #4:
Layer the newspapers or magazines near your dining area. Should there be an uncomfortable lull in conversation, refer to something you saw or read in these publications. Magazines that require proof of age ID to purchase, or are kept behind the store counter are generally a poor choice in this regard.
Step #5:
Perhaps one of the most important steps is removing any expectations you may have. For the evening to go smoothly, you must be ready for anything. Spend a moment or two carving away all your expectations and discarding them. If left in this recipe, they can leave a bitter taste.
Step #6:
When your date arrives, greet them warmly at the door and invite them in. Give them a short tour of your home - be sure to point out anything of interest. A sprinkling of embellishment livens up the tour, but be sure not to overdo it. Conclude the tour by offering them the dinner menus. Remember to apply your appeal generously throughout the night. At this point, pour some wine and offer it to your date.
Step #7:
When choosing dinner, you need to decide how you want to present yourself. Do you want your date to see you as the strong, take-charge type or an accommodating, go-with-the-flow kind of person? Act accordingly. Sometimes a pinch of coyness can work wonders. A dash of humor can also be used to enliven this process.
Step #8:
Order the meal.
Step #9:
While you wait for the meal to arrive, begin to play your romantic music and talk with your date. Offer compliments and display interest. The difference between a bad date, and a hot, buttered up date is often determined here. Don't forget about your newspaper or magazines if conversation becomes strained. At times it may be important to feign interest so as not to offend your date - incorporate some nodding along with the occasional non-descript "uh-huh" to give this appearance. Continue to add wine as needed, although you do not want to macerate the date, but a liberal measure of alcohol often improves this recipe.
Step #10:
When your food arrives, excuse yourself and meet the delivery person at your front door. Thank them politely and tell them to "keep the change." Be sure to say it loudly enough that your date can hear you - generosity is a much sought-after attribute. It will impress both your date and the delivery person.
Step #11:
Serve the meal and light the candles. Continue the conversation throughout dinner, drop subtle hints about how much you are enjoying the night. Even if the night has not gone as well as planned, remain positive and polite. Your current date may not fit your tastes as well as you had hoped - but keep in mind that they may have friends and relatives who do. Once you have finished your meal, tidy away the dishes and, depending on the situation, invite your date to stay longer, or lead them to the door to say 'Goodnight'.
Step #12:
While standing with them at your front door, take their hand and tell them you would like to see them again. Before giving them time for a response, lean in and garnish them with a kiss. The cheek is often the most appropriate location for such a garnish, however if the night has gone well thus far, a full kiss on the lips may be welcome. Add a dash of tongue if desired. Offer to walk with them to their car/bus-stop/train station at your own discretion.
NOTE:
It should be noted that while this recipe has been known to work with different quantities of dates, these instances are rare. We suggest you adhere to the recommended 1 date.
NEXT ISSUE:
See our August edition for our next recipe - Saucy Liqueur-Soaked Dates.
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Jensen turned to the owner of the stuffy kitchen, who was seated at the small kitchen table, absent-mindedly tracing his fingers along one of the numerous scratches in the varnished tabletop.
"So, Mister Cranston, could you please give me the details of your assault?"
The man at the table looked up through a pair of painfully swollen black eyes.
"Well, Officer, I met this lady through a dating service, and had invited her 'round for dinner last night. I had it all planned perfectly - or so I thought - but in my excitement, I misread the dinner recipe and went straight from Step #10 to #12, skipping Step #11 completely."
"After the kiss, the delivery guy slugged me in the right eye. When my date came to the front door and asked what had happened, the delivery guy told her and she smacked me in my left." He paused. "Guess I shoulda expected it."
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