Great balls of flaming tampons! (809 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.12 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Seralena (View user info) at 2004-10-24 19:01:54 EDT
My boyfriend, Greg, and I live in different towns right now, due to the fact that I left home for college. I'm out in the boonies, while he stayed in Chicago, which is where my family lives as well. Consequently, he sees my family around sometimes, especially my younger brother, Carlton.
Mom's always worried about him; she's convinced that I have much more common sense than he does (which is true, of course), and that he's going to get himself into trouble.
He already has been in trouble a couple times. Most recently, he was caught throwing rocks off the train station onto the cars below him. He hit the windshield of a car, and the driver stopped to alert transit security, who called our parents. I overheard my mother on the phone with the woman whose car Carlton hit. My mom was apologizing to her, and at the same time, getting pissed off. Carlton's been growing out his hair lately, and apparently the woman thought that it was a girl, and called him "miss". My brother claimed he didn't do it, and my mom agreed, because the lady obviously couldn't identify him well. The rest of us all knew that he'd done it, of course, but we didn't tell Mom that.
He's done hosts of other stupid things, a lot having to do with the group of friends he hangs out with. His best friend Alexey was faking like he was going to throw a ninja star at my brother, and accidentally let go, creating a huge gash down Carlton's back. Carlton told Mom that Alexey's cat had clawed him. Another time, my boyfriend and I found him and a group of his friends sliding down a hill on pieces of cardboard that had been projects that still needed to be completed.
Lately, however, since I began college, I haven't seen any of these escapades, and Carlton rarely tells them to me himself, even though we do talk on the phone fairly often. So I got worried when my boyfriend started a conversation, "So I saw Carlton on the hill by the high school today."
He sees him all the time; this had to be something important for him to bring it up. "Okay, what was he doing?"
"Well, this is going to sound weird..." Greg started.
"What else is new with him?"
"So I was watching him, and he was in a circle with a group of his friends, and they were all huddling over something. Suddenly, Carlton jumped back, and there was some white thing hanging off a string in his hand."
I was really confused at this point, and not making any connections, so I made the intelligent reply of: "Huh?"
Greg just kept talking. "Alexey was holding up a lighter. They were trying to set a tampon on fire."
"A tampon?!"
"Yeah, except it wouldn't light. They eventually burned through the string, so Carlton threw it on the ground, and began trying to light it on the ground." I made some comment about how stupid my brother was.
"That's not the worst part. He was doing it on the side of the hill that faces the school. On school property."
My younger brother was attempting to light a tampon on fire at school. Unsurprisingly, the vice principal came out of the building and began screaming at him and his friends, who all scattered. My brother was taken inside the school, where he was apparently given a couple detentions. They didn't call my parents, however, just considered it a warning. I didn't hear this story until later that day.
In between, I called home to ask my mom about some paperwork I had left there. She told me she was worried, because my brother wasn't home yet. We both figured he had been hanging out with his friends. He was grounded already for doing badly on his midterm report, so he was supposed to go home straight after school. He got home over an hour late, and Mom immediately set in on him. He just said he lost track of time after school. He got grounded for longer anyway, even without Mom hearing about the tampon.
At this point, I have to ask myself: should I enlighten my mother? Should I tell her my brother exhibits pyromaniac tendencies toward innocent feminine hygiene products?
Most of all, do I tell Carlton that I know?
I think I'll remain silent, and just thank God that it wasn't a USED tampon.
User Reviews
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad actually.
But thenagain, I'm pretty stoned..so..
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
could have been better written, but contains smirk-worthy comments.
back in year nine the girls in our year were given a pack of tampons each. a few lads nicked some, soaked them in water then flung them up to the ceiling (with an impressive amount of force i must admit, those strings really get some momemton going). They stuck, virtually cemented with the little blue strings hanging down in a flimsy salute, and stayed until the toilets were refurbished a few years later.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love it when people say that. For years he'd start crying if you called him Carlton, he wanted to be Carl. He's only now starting to recover.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I pictured Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" throughout.
hehehehehehhehe. Heh.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-15 19:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you have a brother named CARLTON!?
Submitted by Thunderlips (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This would have been great if it was interesting.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Honestly, I just had to get my bro's tampon-burning incident out into the open. Shit like that festers, man.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well-written, but I'm not sure if this is Ubersite material.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-24 19:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Or just fuck mick's fat hillbilly ass, that is the equivilent of like 4 suicides.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-10-24 19:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
committ double suicide.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2004-10-24 19:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I think you should try again...
And have a nice day =)
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-24 19:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He probably wouldn't have much luck lighting a used tampon, and if he had it would have burnt off an awful stench which would deliver more than adequate punishment.