Thank You, But I've Had Enough (1592 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.39 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-10-24 20:20:23 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Dee Snider was a star of the highest order, and he knew it. He knew this not only because had his momma always told him so, but millions of adoring fans had repeatedly confirmed his suspicions with free and frequent blow jobs. But that was then. This was now...Author's Internal Reservations: "What?"
The Author's Reality-Dominant Self: "Is there a problem?"
AIR: "Oh, nothing."
TARDS: "Fuck! What is it? Just spit it out. I don't feel like playing this 'guess what I'm about to say' game."
AIR: "Oh, nothing. Just the fact that you just said - 'this was now' - that's all."
TARDS: "And what the fuck is the matter with that?"
AIR: "Well it just seems to me to be an oxymoron of sorts. 'Was...now' that's just fucking weird!"
TARDS: "Jesus! And this conversation isn't? We have a responsibility to the readers here to provide a worthwhile story that is fun and safe for the entire family, and you are just fucking it up."
AIR: "You've got a point there too. Maybe we should stop."
DEE SNIDER: "Excuse me, could you finish this up and continue writing me? I really don't have all day. I have an imaginary meeting with my publicist and we still need to talk about my contract for doing this story..."
TARDS: "Just SHUT UP! EVERYBODY! PLEASE!"
(The author apologizes for this awkward and distracting interruption, and promises it won't happen again. The author would also like to explain that...)
AIR: "Tell them about the..."
TARDS: "I know, I know. SHUTTHEFUCKUP! God!"
(The author would also like to explain that TARDS frequently talk to the AIR, so for the sake of your continued enjoyment of this story it might be something to keep in mind.)
TARDS: "See, it takes all the funniness out if you have to explain it."
AIR: "I think your audience will understand."
TARDS: "Dude, look who you're talking about!"
AIR: "Damn, yet another good point! Have you been drinking Red Bull?"
DEE SNIDER: "Helloooo!?!?!?"
AIR + TARDS: "SHUT UP!"
Ok, back to the story...Dee Snider had his alarm clock programmed to digitally play "We're Not Gonna Take It," the greatest song in history in his opinion, and like a trooper it faithfully obliged every morning. He loved that clock. He loved a lot of things...like the way penises protruded in tight pants, but that's a whole different story...
One morning he awoke to the sounds of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" and he knew then that something was wrong...terribly wrong. His beloved alarm clock was being a little bastard, and by god, it was going to pay!
He took the defective piece of eel turd straight back to Wal-Mart.
"Sir, what is this?"
"It's a defective eel turd?"
"I see that, but what would you have us do with it?"
Sensing imminent defeat at the hands of this minimum wage drone of a woman, Dee Snider scowled... "I'll be back!"
He exited Wal-Mart, pushing the obligatory boy in the orange emergency vest aside on his way out - whose fall incidentally dislodged a shopping cart containing an unsupervised toddler from it's state of rest, causing a big hullabaloo in the parking lot involving a tow-truck. But Dee could not be bothered; he was on a mission. He jumped in his 1979 green Ford Pinto and began the 61 mile round trip to his house.
Upon returning, he slammed the old alarm clock on the service desk and began demanding the service the sign above him advertised...
"Can I help you, sir?" the service desk bitch droned, feigning an I-really-give-a-fuck-about-you-oh-glorious-and-almighty-customer tone.
"Yes there is, I'll have you know - and I don't mean to moan - but when this thing was sold, I was told that it would play "We're Not Gonna Take It" as shown on the package in bold."
She pointed to a nearby sign and said, "Behold, there in bold, you will see our policy concerning all items sold."
He squinted his eye to read the sign that hung by the register keys, saying: 'Every customer we greet must bear their receipt, or otherwise wrestle Louise.'
"Who's Louise and should I cower in fear? Anyway why do we keep talking like Britney Shake-Spears?"
"I don't know...I was wondering that too."
"Ok..." Dee Snider resolved, "Let's put an end to it now before the author has an aneurysm."
She agreed, "I think it would be in the best interest of our continued existence and evolution as characters if we did."
"It's settled then. Now, where's this behemoth Louise lady that is going to sit on my head and squirm for no apparent reason? We need to move this plot-line along."
"She's back in sporting goods."
"Ok, thanks for nothing."
"Anytime."
So off he headed through the jungles of jewelry -
Past the towers of toys -
Into the forests of shoes -
And through the cold, dry tundra that is ladies underwear -
For days he trekked through the arid loneliness, amid the endless miles of rolled-back aisles, until at last he had reached the pacific serenity of Sporting Goods, and the dominion of Louise. Louise was not there, because she had called in that day with weak character sickness. Dylan was there though, and Dylan didn't seem to know shit about Sporting Goods.
"Can I get 1000 rounds of 9mm hollow point shells?" Dee Snider asked, thinking he might as well restock while he was here.
"Um, it looks like we only have 200 left. The Job-Corps bus stopped in yesterday."
"Well FUCK Dylan! What do you expect me to do with only 200 rounds? They've got Bradley Tanks, Dylan! And helicopters! Where do you live? Huh?"
Dylan recoiled in fear and tears of sheer terror began to trickle down his pimple-infested cheek... "I...I..."
"I'll never bring your mail again!" Dee was pee'd.
Dee decided that the plot had stalled long enough and, quickly purchasing a new clock, proceeded to his car. There he shoved the old Bon-Jovi tainted timepiece into the new box and returned it with the receipt to the service desk.
On his way home in triumph Dee was rocking out to some old 80's ballads when he realized that while in the process of loading his Glock™, he'd forgotten to buckle his safety belt. He tugged on the belt, but to no avail. Momentarily he took his hand off the wheel to give the 25-year-old mechanism a good what-for, when his Pinto careened off the road and slammed into a tree. Dee was visibly shaken, but still alive. It was then that a squirrel's nest, loosened by force of Dee's Pinto, came falling through its customized sunroof with an unceremonious thud.
Dee had obviously not eaten his Wheaties™ because he found himself utterly defenseless against the onslaught of the awakened squirrel contained within the nest. He wasn't dealing with just any squirrel either... This was both the Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan of squirrels rolled into one. His friends called him Steven 'Livingston' Segall, but his enemies knew him as 'Nun-Chuck' Norris.
AIR: "Do you really expect them to get the Seven 'Livingston' Segall bit?"
TARDS: "I don't know, I thought it was quite clever."
AIR: "Yea, but who reads Richard Bach besides us?"
TARDS: "Had you rather I said Arnold Sqirrelsanigger?"
AIR: "No, you're right, that's just dumb... Carry on."
With an unleashed fury of which Martha Stewart herself would be proud, the squirrel lunged and attacked the hapless Dee Snider where he sat.
[NOTE: the junction of the posterior auricular and the retromandibular veins forms the exterior jugular vein; it empties into the sublavian vein. Or veins in the neck that return blood from the head.]
This squirrel was obviously well read too, because Dee's blood had soon run out of his body like a bunch of students from Columbine High School.
"Want some more?" the squirrel taunted, dancing about on Dee's crotch in a very deft, squirrel-like manner.
"Thank you, but I've had enough." Dee was rapidly growing weak as his radio, still blasting loudly from before the crash, had switched tracks and was now playing Bon-Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer." Dee winced with absolute disgust, but in his weakened state was unable to change the song. His last words in his present House of Hair were: "Oh, God just please make it stop."
And stop it did...
*******************
All his life Dee had been a big music fan, but to hear "We're Not Gonna Take It" arranged for harp, bagpipes, didgeridoo, cow bell, and chorus was more than his spirit could bear. He shed a tear of immaculate joy as he passed the cloud caps on which the angel band was jamming, and gave them the devil horns of his utmost approval. The angels returned the devil horn sentiment, not missing a beat. Soon he found himself part of a seemingly endless procession toward what appeared to be the golden gates of the Promised Land.
After what seemed like hours, but was probably more like 200 years, Dee reached the head of the line. By this time he was asleep, but was still upright due to his newfound ability to float. He was being pushed along from behind like a shuffleboard weight, by a large group of burly bikers who had just been killed in a bar fight. Apparently they were in a hurry.
"Snider...Snider...Snider...Snider..." the monotonous repetition was unmistakable. It was Ben Stein, behind a desk, files in hand, reprising his Ferris Bueller's Day Off character for the less-than-thrilled heaven-seekers.
"Hurry up buddy! We don't have all eternity." The natives were growing restless.
"Oh sorry," said Dee, blushing with embarrassment.
Ben Stein took one look at his file, immediately called for security and began warbling out the next name on his list.
"Whoa, hold on a minute...what's the matter? Why don't I get my turn?"
"It's really only a formality, Mr. Snider...like mayonnaise - it's not really necessary, but it adds that little bit of extra pizzazz, or like the number 'zero'- it's not really needed, but it gives all the geeky philosophical types something to think about." Ben Stein is clearly being a little bitch.
Then Dee stood by and watched as Ben quickly and with 'zero' ado let six bikers and three skinheads straight through without question, some even bearing weapons.
"Hey, why the hell do they get to go? That's not fair at all."
"Clearly Mr. Snider, you don't understand the rules. No one is allowed into heaven without a pass, and no one gets a pass without being free of sin."
"What!? But...I started going to church. I became a born again Christian. My music started sucking and everything for Christ's sake!"
"Clearly you didn't read the manual."
"What manual?"
"The one we sent to earth with David Koresh, the one true messiah."
"Of, course I didn't read it. They burned his compound!"
"A typical response from a filthy sinner... Look, Mr. Snider, it's pretty simple - the only sins are crimped hair and spandex, and you, sir, have committed both sins without penance for the past 30 years, so don't come crying to me because you don't know how to follow instructions." Ben Stein's voice plodded like a walrus with glue on its shoes.
Dee Snider was speechless as he hung his head in defeat, resigned to his fate in hell. Just then Ben Stein let out the most guttural of laughs imaginable... "I am kidding, I am kidding, you can go in..."
Dee was relieved. For years he had feared that the sins of his hair days - the sex, the drugs, the vandalism, the fashion faux pas - would all come back to haunt him, and he was certain that they had come back in the form of Ben Stein, but now, praise the Lord, he had been redeemed. He was going to be allowed in after all.
"I knew all that crap about hair crimping and spandex was bullshit."
"Actually, that part was true. I was kidding about this being heaven." Ben Stein's voice was still lifeless and void of emotion, but Dee Snider saw something in his eyes then...a twinkie...
AIR: "A what!?"
TARDS: "Sorry, a twinkle. Damn typos."
Something in Ben Stein's eyes hinted to Dee that it was possible that this wasn't Ben Stein at all, but could quite possibly be Satan himself.
"MUHAHAHAHAHA!" said Ben Stein, but he had forgotten to change his voice from monotone, so it really came out sounding rather unimpressive. He cleared his throat and tried again. "MUHAHAHAHAHA! I am your Dark Lord, Satan, and I command you to kneel before my awesomeness."
Then it was like someone turned out the lights and turned on the Kiss-style pyrotechnics, because the entire landscape came alive with enough imposing, satanic imagery to make Motley Crüe front man, Vince Neil blush.
Dee was impressed, to say the least. "Holy shit, dude. You scared the dickens out of me! You could give someone a heart attack like that."
"Oh, sorry. I was really just practicing for Michael Jackson. How did I do?"
"Oh, I think you did just fine," Dee assured The Dark Lord, "I don't think you really have to be that scary for Michael."
"Why's that?" The Dark Lord queried.
"Because he'll be frightened enough when he learns that there are no children in Hell."
(Suddenly John Bonham popped out of a flaming pit behind a set of Ludwig drums, banged out a, "DUM-DUM-PSHHHT," and quickly receded back into his pit of vomitous despair.)
"MUHAHAHAHA! That was pretty funny." The Dark Lord conceded. "I guess I walked right into that one!"
"You sure did, you dumb shit! Hey, aren't you the one who wrote all those backmasked lyrics on our albums back in the 80's?"
"Yea, that was me." The Dark Lord smiled coyly.
"Hey, those were good. Those were really good...have you ever considered a career in the entertainment industry?"
"Well, when I was a little cacodemon my mother always told me..." The Dark Lord paused. "Hey, you're just trying to make me forget about torturing you aren't you?"
"No, Dark Lord sir. I would never dream of it! As a matter of fact I was kinda looking forward to it. But first, where's the restroom? I really have to piss."
"Oh, pardon me. Where are my manners? The bathroom is down that way past the bottomless lake of fire, right past the seventh circle on your left - but if you reach Hitler's room, you've gone too far. Just follow the sounds of eternal suffering and you can't miss it. But come right back here when you're finished... Oh, and don't piss on the vat of boiling sulphur in the restroom! It's hard to clean it out once it's been pissed in."
"Ok."
Dee wasn't gone five minutes when he reappeared zipping his fly... "Your majesty, I really love what you've done with the restrooms...very understated and sophisticated without being too boring. I like!"
"Oh, you flatter me too much." The Dark Lord has never taken compliments well. "Ok, are you ready for you torture?"
"Sure," said Dee. "Have you got any tight leather pants I can wear for the occasion?"
"Oh, yea. As a matter of fact, that's the only clothing we have here besides spandex. It's the cows. Since the 'all cows go to hell' edict that God put out in retaliation for the Hindu and vegan cultures, we make all our clothing from leather...not to mention a wide assortment of S&M accessories."
"Cool. Should we get on with it then?" Dee said, a little anxious to get started.
"Sorry. I forget myself sometimes. Right this way..."
Dee was lead into a little room in which he could change and prepare for his everlasting torture. On the way he happened to peek in a room from which an extraordinary amount of screams were coming from. There he saw Adolf Hitler being prodded with hot irons by what appeared to be a rather large group of Jews, who were in turn being prodded with dildos by little midget men screaming "this will teach you to deny your Christ!" The TV in the room was showing a Richard Simmons exercise video.
Inside the room, Dee got changed and was strapped to the torture wheel, where The Dark Lord proceeded to whip him mercilessly. After the third or fourth lash, The Dark Lord asked, "You want more? Huh? Huh? MUHAHAHAHA!"
"Actually, no thanks, I've had enough."
The Dark Lord froze mid-swing. In all his years of being The Dark Lord, (which was a lot of years mind you), he had never had anyone respond to his honest question in such a polite and considerate way. He was absolutely stunned. Within moments several imps had loosened the straps around Dee Snider's legs and hands and helped him down.
"Ok, so you wanna go hang out at the club or something?"
"Sure, that sounds like fun. I've never been to a club in hell before." Dee was stoked.
******************
Inside the club, The Dark Lord and Dee were treated like the celebrities they are. They were lead into the 'green' room in the back, you know, the one where everything is red...
Everyone was there: Ol' Blue Eyes, Sammy D, the Olsen twins... Drugs and pussy were everywhere. The Dark Lord got shit-faced and passed out on the plush velvet sofa. Sammy D. came up and asked, "Hey man, you want some blow?"
"No thanks, I've had enough."
The next Olsen twin was ready for her turn on the love train. "Umm, Dee, would you like another blow?"
"No thanks, baby, I've had enough."
Dee sank back into his crushed velvet cushions - his nostril full of blow, cum-stains on his leather chaps, a stomach full of the finest brew Hell had to offer, and he turned to the band and shouted out a request...and it wasn't Bon-Jovi!
*******************
AIR: "Is that it? That was stupid!"
TARDS: "You wanna hear more?"
AIR: "No thanks, I've had enough..."
TARDS: "Sure you don't want another reference to the title?"
AIR: "No thanks, I... Bastard."
This story was brought to you by Hellman's™ mayonnaise.
"Give your sandwich some pizzazz!"
- VS -
Entry 2
To my Dearest Sarah,I hope this letter and my photos find you safely. They could get me arrested or court martialed if they are discovered, however I must take the risk to get them to you. I have to try and get the truth of what happened in this godforsaken place out in the open. I cannot send this with regular army mail because all letters are checked and censored.
It was March 16 when were dropped by Hueys in a village called Smurfville located in the disputed zone. It was rumored that the village supplied the Smurf Liberation Amy with food and ammunition. Our mission was threefold:
1. Confiscate any weapons and ammunition the villagers may possess
2. Capture and interrogate any SLA soldiers, if there are any
3. Burn any huts harboring SLA solders or containing weaponry
When Charlie company arrived in the village, the Smurfs scattered and hid in their mushroom huts. Captain Calley, our commanding officer, ordered us to collect all the villagers and bring them to the center of town where we could do a head count. Once that was accomplished we were to search all of the huts for any signs of VLA activity.
My friend Corporal Thompson and I went to the northern end of the village. In one of the mushroom huts we found a family of Smurfs cowering under a table. We managed to talk them out without too much effort by promising not to harm them. As we escorted the Smurfs to the center of town we heard several gun shots. Corporal Thompson and I believed that the SLA had arrived so we grabbed our captives and rushed to the sound of the gunfire.
As we made it to the source of the disturbance, we found many dead Smurfs lying in the dirt. None of the corpses appeared to be armed. Many of the buildings in the village were on fire and by this time there was the constant rattle of machine gun fire. When we arrived in the center of town, we saw a group of Smurfs lined up in a ditch. Some were screaming out 'No SLA, No SLA' to the soldiers. The GIs opened fire and shot them all down. Captain Calley was directing them. A few Smurfs survived the initial hail of bullets by hiding under the bodies of their family members, but they were quickly finished off with rifle butts strikes to their heads.
We delivered our captives to Captain Calley. At this time I guess I assumed that those Smurfs had been executed for being SLA or something. The situation was very chaotic with screaming Smurfs and shouting soldiers everywhere so I wasn't really thinking straight. We asked Captain Calley for our orders. Captain Calley told us to 'take care' of our captives. He then left us to ourselves.
We assumed by 'take care of' he meant to guard, but when he returned about 5 minutes later and saw that our captives were still alive Calley became enraged. 'How come they are not dead?' he asked us. We told him we thought he meant for us to guard them. Calley then ordered us to waste 'all those god damn blueskins'. When I refused to kill our unarmed prisoners he gunned them down himself with his M-16. It happened right in front of my eyes. It was so close to me I was splattered in Smurf blood. After that Calley warned me to get the hell out of his face or I would be next.
I couldn't stand to see any more of this slaughter so I started to make my way out of the village. On the roadway I saw a dazed Smurf with a gunshot wound to its arm. His eyes were wide like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. I was just about to help him get out of the mayhem when a bullet struck him in the head and he dropped to the ground.
Further along I came across another Smurf, a doctor I think, bandaging one of his comrades. He was ignoring the chaos around him to help his friend. He was torn down by a hail of gunfire from another GI before I could help him.
I made it out of the village and vomited into the grass. Why were we killing all the unarmed villagers here? I don't know. All I know is that I wanted no part of this.
Once I made it outside the village I decided I had enough. I had enough pain, enough violence enough death. I took my rifle and shot my own foot. The bones were shattered and I will walk with a limp for the rest of my life but when I get out of the infirmary I am coming home. I know I volunteered for this, to help my country in its time of need. I never volunteered to slaughter unarmed civilians though. Thank you, I have had enough of this war.
When I was loaded on to the Heuy which was to take me to the infirmary I looked down over the Smurf village and saw that it was completely razed. Not a single building was left standing, I saw the bodies of dead Smurfs being loaded into a mass grave by my fellow soldiers. I later learned that Corporal Thompson had helped a family of seven Smurfs escape. Those seven were the only ones to survive the Smurfville massacre. Every other Smurf in the village was killed.
Once I am home I plan to take these photos to the appropriate authorities. The events at Smurfville are nothing short of a war crime and an atrocity. I don't know whether it was Captain Calley's decision to raze the village or not, but he is going to pay for this, mark my words. He and everyone else involved with this.
Please keep this letter and these photos in a safe place until my return home my beautiful wife.
Love always,
Hugh
Entry 1:
Allyson
Ancius
Bigmike
Circe
Coyote
DCWoody
Degreeless_Capibara
Dirtbird
Disektor
drfeggphd
Durae
electrictoothsyndrome
FilthyAssistant
FunnyAsCancer
hyprspacd
JonnyX
Julia
LadyPlural
Mercutio
polyamorousaj
Prodigy
salmonofdoubt
ScoutCJustice
Seralena
SPECIALk
stevie_says
William_Q_Percy
xenon
zakalwe
Zoidberg
24 eligible votes (30 total) *
Entry 2:
91teggyRS
BillsSBChamps
bob
cexshun
comicbookguy
corn_nugget
darko
DavyJones
Gnome
humor_me
iddqd
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
Loren1
maiorano84
Method
munkeypants
NerfHerder
runninginplace
sexy_biatch
Snark
sparkle_pink
Spuds002
Stabkill
thaumaturge
tinactin
tlozoot
Vermin
wazzawazzayo
WillZone
Yes
zombieZero
29 eligible votes (32 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey ets, I am not one to win on a technicality. Great post btw, it went down to the wire there.
Anyway, if anyone cares, my post is actually based on a true story. It is a take off of the My Lai massacre during the Vietnam war. Just do a google search for my lai and you can find some interesting stuff. I just replaced smurfs in there because I hate smurfs and I liked photoshopping their bloody corpses.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-27 21:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Congrats Vermin, you deserved it for what I am only assuming was your decision to let this finish when you could have DQd me on a technicality. Standup guy!
To the rest of you: why in the fuck is it that whenever anyone tries to write fucking comedy on this website it gets compared to Douglas Adams or Kurt Vonnegut? I have never read either one of those bastards, and while I am sure they are just peachy writers, I am tired of my voice being mistaken with a failed attempt at THEIR voice. I tried something different (for me), and it didn't go over... I'll just try harder next time. (Although it doesn't seem to really matter - see below.)
Also, for those of you who didn't even bother reading all of it, yet still voted anyway: FUCK YOU! That is all. It was fun. Later.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-27 19:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha, both of these were great, but I guess I just liked Entry 1 better. Good work to both of you.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-27 19:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-10-27 19:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for smurfs
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-10-27 17:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-27 16:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My guess: ETS vs. Vermin
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-27 16:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GO SMURFS WOO
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-27 16:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It pained me to read these. It pained me more to vote.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-10-27 16:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-10-27 14:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by author1 at 2004-10-27 14:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I cannot believe I got a positive review! I was about to lose all faith in ubersite.
Submitted by Mercutio (user info) at 2004-10-27 13:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Really damn good entries. I liked 1, though--it was creative, innovative, and quirky. 2 was kind of...weird. Like it was trying to be as cool and random as 1, but didn't quite execute.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-27 13:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both so-so, but 1 edges it.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-10-27 13:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i couldn't finish 1
vote 2
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-10-27 13:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-10-27 09:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Campy. Benny Hill would shit.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-10-26 22:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked Entry 2 a lot, but Entry 1 was even more bizarre and funny.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too fucking long, author one. But I liked it. Two nearly swung it with the smurfs.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-10-26 13:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Silly me. Forgot to vote.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-10-26 13:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bleh.
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-10-26 12:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not bad. But 2 was naff.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-26 11:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Prodigy (user info) at 2004-10-26 08:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-10-25 20:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tough, but Entry 2 for pictures and not being unnecessarily long and attempting to be cutsie.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-25 18:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one was silly enough to make me laugh.
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-10-25 18:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-25 17:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
danngggg...hard choice here!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Author of #1 at 2004-10-25 14:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:01:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was excellent, and one of the few times that pictures were not just a fucking irritation. WELL DONE.
#1 was a freshly laid turd, warm and rank and steaming in the brisk October air.
--------------------------------------
Next time, Jack_MeOffum, I'll be sure to write about the only thing you seem to understand: war. Fuck you, by the way. Fucking idiot.
Submitted by author 1 at 2004-10-25 14:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-10-25 10:14:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were pretty poor attempts at humor. A little too low brow for UM anyway. #2 was shorter, and I was able to make it through. Lost interest in #1 after the car accident. vote #2
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Our entries were low-brow, and yet you don't even have the ability to read the whole entry? Is that what you're saying?
And who the hell says ubermadness has to be all serious? You people are looking at this whole thing all wrong in my opinion, and the sooner I lose and get out of it, the better off I'll be.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-10-25 14:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was excellent, and one of the few times that pictures were not just a fucking irritation. WELL DONE.
#1 was a freshly laid turd, warm and rank and steaming in the brisk October air.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-10-25 12:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-10-25 11:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-10-25 10:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-10-25 10:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were pretty poor attempts at humor. A little too low brow for UM anyway. #2 was shorter, and I was able to make it through. Lost interest in #1 after the car accident. vote #2
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-10-25 08:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-10-25 02:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-10-25 02:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-25 02:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-10-25 01:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow...
shit vs. shit.
but it was about dee snider. he had a funny morning show in CT about 2-3 years ago on the radio.
radio104 wmrq
sadly, that station has now gone to "hip hop and r&b" from what used to be Modern Rock: Radio 104
dee wins it.
wait. What?
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-10-25 01:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-25 01:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by author 1 at 2004-10-25 00:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't know it was possible to be both disappointed in your opponent's entry and losing at the same time.
Whoever said I had spelled Dee's name wrong obviously doesn't realize that I cannot be bothered with spelling.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-25 00:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-25 00:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to vote for 1, because as everyone already knows, I hate Smurfs.
Submitted by 91teggyRS (user info) at 2004-10-25 00:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just cuz of the smurfs
Submitted by sexy_biatch (user info) at 2004-10-25 00:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a tough call because niether really impressed me that much. I've always like the zany side of writing (the Vonneguts and the Adams) but number one just didn't seem to pull it off. There were a few funny moments, but on the whole I was dissapointed. Number two took an obvious reference to the atrocities of Vietnam and just added Smurfs instead of Vietnamese in an attempt at humor, which I really didn't like at all. My vote goes to one.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm pretty sure author 1 misspelled dee snyder's name.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Neuroses wins over umm, whatever the hell entry 2 was.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Author 1, you're probably gonna get your ass whooped for all the UM references, but I thought it was really good.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 was just too random and clever for me to pass up.
And this line was pure gold:
"(The author would also like to explain that TARDS frequently talk to the AIR, so for the sake of your continued enjoyment of this story it might be something to keep in mind.)"
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I can't vote for one because the opening dialogue ruined it for me. I can't vote for two because the premise is just too idiotic and that goddamned catoon at the end is too big.
I guess I can't vote.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit fest is finally starting to entertain me.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by zombieZero (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I probably shouldn't vote for the first post, wihtout reading the second, but I don't care.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-10-24 20:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were awful.