The Real Me....... (703 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.64 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (View user info) at 2004-10-24 21:39:29 EDT
The real me....
I have had a good life. I have tried a lot of things I have dated many women. I've had sex numerous times and its all been fine. I had a family that until about a month previously I thought really cared about me. I had a girlfriend that loved me and things were going excellent for me.
For some unidentified reason though, I have always tried to be something that I was not.
When I was young, I looked up to my dad as if he was superman. I thought everything he did was just remarkable. I thought he was the strongest, tremendous man in the whole world, a lot like most small boys who look up to their fathers.
I started growing up and my view of my father and life was becoming slowly distorted. I no longer thought he was as cool as I always did. My relationship with him started to decline when I was about 10 and my heart was telling me he did not love me. I started thinking when he disciplined me he did not love me anymore, which ended up building a lot of hostility toward him. I started to hate everything about him at the age of about 13 or 14. I hated how he looked at me. I hated that he was not as good to my mom as I thought he should be. I hated how he loved my brother more than me. My life started to slowly disintegrate before my eyes.
My brother who I started looking too as more of a father figure instead of a peer was slowing growing farther apart from me. It was foreign to me because we used to be inseparable. I loved him for everything he was. I was nothing like him.
I started smoking around 14 because subconsciously I was using it to make me older. I thought if I was older, nothing could hurt me. I did not want to hurt inside anymore.
I started doing things intentionally to be a "badass". Again as a way to make myself scary to stay away from pain. I thought if I was intimidating and people were afraid of me that I would somehow stay away from fear itself.
I have always pretended to be something I was not. I have been lying about myself for as long as I can remember. I try to be tough, cool, funny, but inside I am cold scared and tired.
I am tired of all the pain I put people through. I am tired of people seeing me and not knowing whether to be scared or disgusted. I just want to be someone that is loved.
I got out of a relationship that I thought was the band-aid for all the pain. I thought it would clear me from pain but in fact, it just covered it with something that made my wounds look better. I hurt Val and many other people by the things I had posted and the things that I had e-mailed to her. For that I am sorry.
For living a lie, I am sorry.
User Reviews
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-11-08 18:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Much better than usual.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-25 17:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, seriously... your pussy is showing. Man up, or shut up.
Submitted by Stephen at 2004-10-25 17:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Excellent!!!!! You're the most wanted man on the Island
Submitted by Stephen <Donitsu2002.at.Juno.com> at 2004-10-25 17:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Excellent!!!!! You're the most wanted man on the Island
Submitted by UBERDOOBIE (user info) at 2004-10-25 17:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, this is great you can admit this on here. But have you talked to your father about this? For that fact, anyone in the REAL world?
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-10-25 17:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why thank you....i do alot of crying.ASSHOLE
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-25 08:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what matt and corinne said.
+2 for honesty and because my heart aches to see you so sad.
Submitted by Thunderlips (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Weh Weh Weh
Stop crying and do something about it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-24 23:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With all the crying that you've done this past week, my stock in Kleenex went up 10%.
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-10-24 22:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck....this post is like 90% me and 10% val shut the fuck up
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dave... yeah... matt is right.
It may not feel like it, but we've ALL gone through this.
I still go through it, sometimes... ya know?
You are bound to make mistakes in life... just don't make the same mistake twice and you'll be a better person because of it.
Right?
Right.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Get on AIM.
-------------
Fags do flock togther.
Val said to get the fuck over her and stop being a bitch.
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im on AIM
jiujitsu916
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Each day is a new day to start over. I suggest to quit dwelling on the shit in the past, and try and make something of your future. No good can come from looking back, because somewhere along the way, you're gonna fall into an even deeper hole, and you might not be able to get yourself out.
This is a part of life and growing up.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get on AIM.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:42:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for sheer honesty.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know what would be cool? If you started some emo band and turned this post into lyrics.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-24 21:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for sheer honesty.