The John Skinner Interviews - Bart Cilfone (873 hits)
Category: SportsRating: -0.39 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by T. White (View user info) at 2004-10-26 09:27:54 EDT
The following is an interview conducted by John Skinner: on behalf a The Douchebag Monthly Review magazine. All material remains copyright The Douchebag Monthly Review. All rights reserved.
B. Cilfone: Why interview me for The Douchebag Monthly Review?
J. Skinner: Shut up Cilfone, I ask the questions.
B. Cilfone: Yes sir.
J. Skinner: What is your crowning achievement?
B. Cilfone: Ubersite!
J. Skinner:: What's so damn great about that?
B. Cilfone: People post great things there. You wouldn't believe how many pictures of tubgirl I have now. Would you like to see some of them? I have several hanging behind that curtain.
: No thanks. Maybe later.
J. Skinner: Is it true that you own a Michael Bolton CD?
B. Cilfone: Three posters too!
J. Skinner: Why do so many users at Uber have such a strong dislike for you? You're providing them with a free service, right?
B. Cilfone: That could have something to do with how I run the place. I don't have any set of rules, I just make them as I go. I make sure that my favorite users get away with murder, but I'll ban KoolMang for posting a picture of his pet chameleon. Have you ever heard the song "Moody Blue" by Elvis Presley?
J. Skinner:: Fuck no. What is that?
B. Cilfone: I listened to that song fifty times and that's how I run the place.
J. Skinner: I once read that Loren offered you $50 to eat her out. You declined?
B. Cilfone: Well yes.
J. Skinner:: Why? What the fuck is wrong with you?
B. Cilfone: Two reasons.
J. Skinner:: Spill it Cilfone.
B. Cilfone: The first is that I don't really like eating pussy. I'm not all that good at it. The last time I tried that I had been going at it for 20 minutes when she said, "When are you going to get started?" Turns out that I had been licking a fold of fat on her thigh. Terribly embarrassing.
J. Skinner:: So you like the dick now?
B. Cilfone: I'd say so. I have experience with that.
J. Skinner:: What was your other reason for declining such a wonderful opportunity?
B. Cilfone: I was in a committed relationship at the time. I couldn't bring myself to cheat on my long time lover polyamorousAJ, even if it was for $50. I later found out he had a one night stand with Michael Bolton while we were still together, but I don't regret my decision. It was Michael Bolton after all.
J. Skinner:: I see...
B. Cilfone: AJ even let him be on top. He always made me be the bottom.
J. Skinner:: Shut the fuck up! AJ is always the bottom when we do it. Don't tell me no different.
B. Cilfone: Yes sir.
J. Skinner:: Back to your Ubersite. Why don't you have a privacy policy?
B. Cilfone: That leaves me free to post personal information as I please.
J. Skinner:: What about a set of rules?
B. Cilfone: They're too restrictive. Besides I like to pick on Cigar?
J. Skinner:: Why did you pull kai's post? You do realize that you've posted that sort of thing before.
B. Cilfone: 10 days later, after Google had a chance to cache it, I pulled the post you're talking about. So shut up about it.
J. Skinner:: Don't make me beat you Cilfone.
B. Cilfone: I like that sort of thing.
J. Skinner:: Moving on... What about Fetish? Why remove him from the MVA?
B. Cilfone: I was hoping that if I kept fucking with him that he'd give up and leave me alone. So, I decided to remove his Quagmire IP post form the front page and remove him from the MVA. I still left all of Quagmire's posts up though. That should make him mad enough to leave.
J. Skinner:: But when he put it on the Uberboard, you let it stay.
B. Cilfone: He paid a dollar for that. What can I say, I'm a cheap sellout.
J. Skinner:: What's with the Bart Ban? It doesn't seem very effective.
B. Cilfone: It's just a game I play. I realize that it doesn't work well, but it's still fun to do.
J. Skinner:: Why did you create Ubersite?
B. Cilfone: I wanted a place where I could be boss. You see I have little control outside of Uber. I can't keep a man, and don't want a woman, to save my life. When I run Uber, I'm in the driver's seat. You can't touch this, I'm god there. Some people even applaud me for my providing it. They're afraid of me. Stupid bitches.
J. Skinner:: What the fuck is that smell?
B. Cilfone: Taco Bell's new ½ pound burrito. I like the steak and potato one. I use mild sauce because I'm a pussy.
J. Skinner:: Don't do it again! You need an assplug?
B. Cilfone: No. I have my own, thank you.
J. Skinner:: Good god.
B. Cilfone: Yes, you rang?
J. Skinner:: Have you ever actually read KoolMang's posts?
B. Cilfone: Yes, some of them are quite good. If search worked, I'd tell you to search for Storage Theory.
J. Skinner:: What's with search? I heard that that Fetish's now defunct Ubersearch took him less than an hour to do, why does yours suck so bad?
B. Cilfone: Everytime I get around to improving it, I end up spooning with Razor instead.
J. Skinner:: Isn't AJ your man?
B. Cilfone: We just spoon, AJ knows that. Razor and I don't have sex.
J. Skinner:: I've heard enough, you're pathetic.
B. Cilfone: I have more to say...
J. Skinner:: This interview is over.
B. Cilfone: But we didn't get to my fashion tips...
User Reviews
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-15 21:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 14:40:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Have you ever made a good post?
Submitted by BrittneyCheers4U (user info) at 2004-12-14 07:43:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
why is this funny?
Submitted by The_Great_Tom (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:20:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-02 06:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is stupid. It is a lame rip-off of something I did over a year ago. Here you are thinking you know my name and address. Who the hell do you think gave all that information out?
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-27 16:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go start a new fad or something.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2004-10-26 23:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Haven't been paying much attention to uber lately...but this doesn't have any entertainment value.
Sorry..
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-10-26 23:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gah, and here i was looking forward to old joke teusday. I mean without it i have no excuse for the reason my posts are so shitty.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:00:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bucky!
This was pretty funny. I think he might have better luck with women if he didn't yell out "LOLZ POLYAJ" in the middle of a date.
---
I think the real problem was when he started quoting parts of my posts as pickup lines.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Poster_Boy_KoolMang (user info) at 2004-10-26 11:11:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Koolmang, I prefer the scripted spam myself. But, if I need a quick manual spam, nothing, and I mean nothing beats Mozilla. You can open everyone of someone's posts in those tabs, and blam -2 all around. Total time invested? About 15 minutes to get 70 or 80 posts. If you're doing the hard way, try Mozilla.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:42:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Check your mail.
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I just got in. For some reason hotmail put yours in Bulk Mail folder, how gay is that? I'll read it later, I just got home.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bucky!
This was pretty funny. I think he might have better luck with women if he didn't yell out "LOLZ POLYAJ" in the middle of a date.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-26 20:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-26 17:43:02 (#)
Ranking: -1
Funny, but no one ever posted your personal info. It was LINKED. Don't make a website out of your pathetic self if you don't want people to see your never ending jaw and public stalking activities.
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Are we retaining water again? Try Midol.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-26 17:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Funny, but no one ever posted your personal info. It was LINKED. Don't make a website out of your pathetic self if you don't want people to see your never ending jaw and public stalking activities.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-10-26 13:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not so funny when its making fun of YOU, is it.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-10-26 12:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Echoes of Maddox, especially with the Michael Bolton schtick.
But shitty echoes, like in your high school gymnasium.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-10-26 12:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Although I don't really agree to the message it was a funny post. I give you that.
Submitted by Thunderlips (user info) at 2004-10-26 12:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Zzzzzzz
Submitted by Poster_Boy_KoolMang (user info) at 2004-10-26 11:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:02:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
*flush*
******************
Electro, afraid to post again because my spam pwning is more painful than your "Uber-Battle" pwning?
Fetish, good job, you summed it up. I have a theory that these people are a mix of afraid and grateful that they haven't been banned. It's kinda like if you have to do a school presentation and you think yours is gonna suck, but then a kid forgets to bring his, so you feel better about yourself because of someone else's shortcomings.
It's these people I like to spam, it's quite fun! Seriously, Fetish, you should give it a go. I shall provide my manual technique here:
-type in message, set to -2.
-click "Submit".
-go BACK, and click beside the message.
-use a combination of space, tab, space to make each spam message get processed quicker.
-go BACK, and put another space beside the message, making it a double-space.
-repeat.
It is painstaking sometimes, not so much if your proxy connection is working splendidly. I must add that you might think of, after 80 of one message, giving another message and starting over again, until you feel that you've given them a good, hard spamming. Give your input, Fetish!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-26 10:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have written over 10000 reviews.
Try to spend more of your time elsewhere
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you are a dick, but there was some funny stuff here.
Submitted by motherbitches (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ratings dont count on your posts anymore but...
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-10-26 10:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*flush*
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
funny?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's it like to be juvenile and unfunny all the time?
I'm rather curious.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Check your mail.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gayness. Day 372. And counting.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nerd fights...round seven.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-26 09:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hahahahahah look at gay boy fetish and mang crying.
this is brilliant.
it is quite the opposite, bart has GOT TO YOU. Not vice versa. Hence your pathetic litte 'protest'.
Your ratings don't count mang so spam away.
you both are now just minor irritants.
Your ill-gotten gains in the form of MVA has been taken away and you are both slowly withering on the vine.
I am enjoying the show.
It's brilliant.