Finding Out You're Legally Retarded Is Such A Bummer (1389 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2004-10-26 15:23:20 EDT
Go ahead, laugh it up. That's right, good old GLALL is a retard. There's some benefits to it though, such as handicapped parking and sympathetic hugs from hot chicks. It all started yesterday when my friends, well, actually it was a room filled with mannequins started questioning my level of intelligence. I've never actually known what my I.Q. is but I always told people it was like 13,500. I'm guessing that's average because my genius friends would just laugh at me. Thank god I have zombie blood and love to bite their arms off when they mock me, otherwise I would get no respect.
So I stroll right into Blockbuster and demand that they give me an I.Q. test. The lady at the counter explained I was in the wrong establishment, causing me to swear at movies such as Road To Perdition and The Last Samurai. I rented them to make them feel better and then ended their lives with an automatic shotgun to the case.
A few hours later I'm in a Mexican Restaurant trying to get me some latino heat when I noticed a man with glasses, so surely he's smart and has I.Q. tests on him. I made my way over to his table with a peach schnapps and a calculator to show him I come in peace. Upon my arrival the man pulled out the I.Q. test and told me I have 30 minutes to finish his meal or else I would never get to know how intelligent I really am.
25 minutes and 14 enchiladas later I'm ready to roll some weed with the test and smoke it. I instantly got out my blue crayon and began feverishly fielding questions. Let me tell you this test was BORING so of course I livened it up a little by pouring tobasco sauce on it and getting it drunk. I handed the papers back to smartypants and awaited the results...
Pointdexter: Why is the test covered in alchohol and.....is that tobasco sauce?
Me: Don't blame me because you neglect to feed and entertain the test, and besides if you get it drunk it relays the answer to you via telepathy and tries to feel you up, which is pretty cool.
PD: Holy mother of god, I, you weren't serious with some of these answers were you?
Me: Like what?
PD: Well first of all for your name you put "not available".
Me: So what I don't remember it, get up off my jock buddy.
PD: You thought that China was a city in Utah?
Me: Am I a fucking geologist or something? What kind of crazy person asks about cities from other countries anyways?
PD: You didn't even answer two pages of questions...
Me: There's a backside to this test? You gotta be off your rocker!
PD: It asked for the names of three presidents and you put down Mr. T, Tony the Tiger and Bob Saget?
Me: Mr. T kept those terrorists sons of bitches at bay man. AND he knocked off 2 trillion from our debt.
PD: You made up your own questions for me to answer?
Me: Shit, all I asked is what theorem is a+b=c and how much is 5 lbs. of bananas. Is that so hard to understand?
PD: Jeezy Pete...do you think you might want to retake the test?
Me: And spend another 20 bucks on getting it drunk? Don't think so compadre.
PD: Well then, your score, it isn't pretty...
Me: What? Is it only like 5,000? Lay it to me straight!
PD:......You only got a 32.
Me:...so, like, the lower the score the better?
PD: I'm afraid retarded people have scored higher on this test than you.
Me:...good for them.
PD: Maybe you should really think about retaking...
Me: Fuck that man I listen to no one!. So,...how about I pay you like, 3 dollars to say I'm smart?
PD:...I guess I could bump you up to a 75 but that's still slightly below...
Me: Deal. I've only got like two bucks so make it 67.
So for now my I.Q. is 67, and in another two weeks I'm gonna throw him a five spot and bump it up to like 123, which I have no clue how smart that is. Maybe that's like engineer smart. I also heard they have this kickass club you can enter when you hit 140 called "menstrate". I heard you point at stupid people and laugh at them while holding your badge of intelligence. I'm sure to sign up for this club soon and turn them into my own personal army of smart people. Jesus, what if they're planning to attack us idiots now? OH MY GOD I NEED THAT MEMBERSHIP! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-21 16:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this again and loved it mroe better!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-04 03:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Word.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-27 20:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to have your assbabies, dear sir
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-27 16:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to rate this earlier. Silly me.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-26 21:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-26 21:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:43:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:41:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so smart. SMRT
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Thanks Jared. I can count to 50 now and, get this, do you believe there's numbers past that? Simply mind-boggling.
_______________________________________________________________________
I'm mad at numbers. There's like...to many of them.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 21:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I miss heater...
Submitted by heater (user info) at 2004-08-12 13:25:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, you are getting to be a Heat whore...
That I was heater, that I was.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-26 17:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:57:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you crazy little re-tahds!
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And I love Badlands!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 17:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:57:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you crazy little re-tahds!
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Badlands Badlands lives in a trash can...come throwing that slang around in a week when i'm bumped up to 123. Post something godamn you!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-26 17:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:49:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I strenuously apologize for asking in this way, but my telepath is jamming...
Your point is that a famous quarterback is a geologist with an IQ of 69
and an army of over 10,000 blue robot clones named Juan. Is that right?
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I have no clue what the fuck you're talking about. Stop stealing my drugs!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you crazy little re-tahds!
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I strenuously apologize for asking in this way, but my telepath is jamming...
Your point is that a famous quarterback is a geologist with an IQ of 69
and an army of over 10,000 blue robot clones named Juan. Is that right?
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:04:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
"It all started yesterday when my friends, well, actually it was a room filled with mannequins"
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Are you KoolMang?
Hahahahaha. Good post.
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Koolmang told me about how he plays dress-up with them and even gave them names like Mr. Pinky and John Keyser. I remember how much I love humiliating people so I threw it in there at the last second.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your randomness, yet at the same time you have such cohesion, and funny as hell.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ahahaha.
Hmm.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ahahaha.
Hmm.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always enjoy the fun and frivolity of these random blatherings.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-10-26 16:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It all started yesterday when my friends, well, actually it was a room filled with mannequins"
---------------------------------
Are you KoolMang?
Hahahahaha. Good post.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:56:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Tony the Tiger was the best president since Super Mario...and that's saying a fucking lot!
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No doubt. Frosted Flakes every day required by law? Is this heaven?
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Tony the Tiger was the best president since Super Mario...and that's saying a fucking lot!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Up with the best.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:41:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so smart. SMRT
-------------------------
Thanks Jared. I can count to 50 now and, get this, do you believe there's numbers past that? Simply mind-boggling.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
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I should be third row from the back with the rainbow suspenders holding a sledgehammer.
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Ok, be sure to wave now!!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so smart. SMRT.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:34:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you on the "short bus" that
drives by my house each day.
I'll look for you next time.
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I should be third row from the back with the rainbow suspenders holding a sledgehammer.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that you're an official tard you get to jack off in public and wear a neato football
helmet all day long.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you on the "short bus" that
drives by my house each day.
I'll look for you next time.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:32:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Eating lead paint chips again, I see.
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Oh come on! They taste like cinnamon!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eating lead paint chips again, I see.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-26 15:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that my wife is a member of menstruate.