My OCD, or The Time that Old Bastard Got His Comeuppins. (842 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve Dusome <sillywilleh.at.yahoo.ca> (View user info) at 2004-10-26 23:07:26 EDT
So, I am in the bathroom at Tim Hortons. No biggie. Until some old bastard decides he will just waltz right in and disobey the buffer zone, and stand right next to me while I take a leak. The stream had yet to start, and I have a peculiar symptom with my OCD. No matter how hard I try, I cannot pee with someone else in the room.
So I stand there, silently miming urination. He catches on. He glares into my eyes. I hate the elderly. Once I saw this movie, and these old people killed people, and the cops ignored all the evidence, and were like "Wtf? grammaz? lmfao u lozr", I never trusted them since.
So anyways, this old dino-douche chimneysweep decides it is a great idea to stand RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
He notices no noise from my loins. He stares me right in the eye. Not only does he violate the buffer zone, look me right in the eye, but he slightly pivots, turning his prick in my general direction. I prefer to think that old people have no genitals. They should be removed when you turn 60, so as not to gross out anyone.
I hear his stream start up. He didn't aim right. He aims too high, and KAZAAM, splashback, the foul mistress of urinal mishaps.
But no, he can't just accept his own splashback, he has aimed AT ME.
I get it all over my elbow. It's on, bitch.
An old bastard in a urinal pees on me, pees on an... Damn. I hate chiasmus. Stupid rhetoric. So anyways, as I said, it's on, and it's on like donkey kong. I would have pissed on his shoes right then and there, but Obsessive Compulsive Disorder holds a short leash. I glare at him. He looks frightened. Not apologetic, not once did it cross his geriatric mind that maybe I would appreciate a "Sorry about getting my piss all over your bare skin for no reason at all"
I stare him down until he leaves me to piss in pease, and then try to bathe in the Tim Hortons sink. I would never forget that face.
The next day, I went to the same place, and ordered a Honey Glazed Doughnut, guaranteed to make my hands feel filthy. And, presumably, afterwards, head to the bathroom to drain the funnies from the pud.
He is in the same stall. That son of a bitch has the gall to come back the same day, and pee on me again. Remembering my death stare, he looks at me in fright. I begin to wash my hands, and the deathstare continues. He looks at the wall opposite, to avoid my laser-eyes.
As he turns his head, I reach into my mouth, and grab my only weapon. DEATH BY SPEARMINT! I whip my gum into what is left of his hair, from his baldness. He turns back to me, questioningly, but I continue the glare of impending doom, as though aforementioned doom was yet to occur. The bastard was none the wiser.
I fled the scene, victorious. He had won the first battle, but I had won the war. As a bonus, the next day, he was in the same fucking bathroom. I noticed he was missing a patch of hair. Now, he has to walk around like he has mange for a few months. And he deserves every hour of it, pee-splashing son of a bitch.
http://www.realitymacedonia.org.mk/Arachinovo16062001/images/big/old%20man%20refugee.jpg (0 bytes) [application/octet-stream]
User Reviews
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-10-31 21:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally saw that movie! It sucked, but Portia de Rossi was in it, so I watched it anyway. You should've kicked him in that balls.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-31 21:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good weekend post.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-29 14:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahaha, that kicked ass. also, i feel your pain on the posting of pictures.
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-10-27 19:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maryjane (user info) at 2004-10-26 23:19:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=comeuppance
...Ah... Shit.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-10-27 02:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I've read tonight.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-27 00:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit man. I'd have pissed on his pants. Or in his pockets.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-26 23:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tee-hee. i feel you.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48462
Submitted by maryjane (user info) at 2004-10-26 23:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=comeuppance
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-10-26 23:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I fucked up the picture. Hell.