Your Whore-o-Scope For Today (1640 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <nolan.at.Baseballwriter.net> (View user info) at 2004-10-27 11:36:24 EDT
For those of you who believe in this kind of stuff...
AQUARIUS (January, we think; does it matter?):
Today could be a good day. Depends. If the opportunity arises,
please let yourself go sexually to your fullest potential with a
LEO (Me), as an Aquarius is part of Leo's lunch today. Take a plane
if neccessary to fulfill this requirement as you know what
happens when you don't follow your horoscope. Today's panty
color is sheer and edible. A good day to spend money mindlessly.
So is tomorrow. And the next day. Your lucky number is .069.
Don't take any wooden nickles. Whatever that means. Moon sign?
Your guess is as good as ours. No wagering.
CAPRICORN (The winter we think): God, your life blows. Give it
up. Your favorite color is blue. You like pizza? I like pizza.
Lucky number is 391 for no apparent reason. Stay away from Giraffes.
No one cares about you because you're not a Leo. Get bent.
Don't eat the schnitzel, it's schnauzer.
CANCER (July 2-3): Do you realize your moon sign is the
same as a terrible disease? That doesn't bode well for you
today. Or next week. Hell, the whole year will be a mess for
you. We wouldn't leave the house if we were you. But thankfully,
we're not. We were born under a normal sign. Also, we're not
sure but we think your animal sign is a crab. Crabs aren't good
for you. At least not the kind you have in your pants. Your
lucky number doesn't exist. Pass the salt. Cerrano's got the
discs. Hike.
TAURUS (April? October? Not important): Do YOU want to drive a
Ford Taurus? The answer to that question is the same as the one
to "Do you want to hang out with a Taurus?". We don't. We'd
prefer to skip the Taurus. So do most of your friends. If you
have any. Your "lucky day" was last Thursday. And remember how
uneventful THAT was. Keep it in the short grass.
SCORPIO (No idea) The Scorpio is tolerable
if you can shut her, uhhh, them up. Stay away from liquor.
Please. We can understand why the Scorpio wishes to copulate
with the Leo. Carry your diaphram at all times. You're horny as
hell. Lucky number is a Leo's cell number. Not compatable with
Virgos. Or with red heads. Keep your chin up. Except when going
down. Drive in the car pool lane for best results.
Don't forget to pack. Heat.
PISCES (Fridays at 5pm): We recommend the Pisces Sandwich and
Chips, Friday at the Cornerstone Grill. Don't forget the malt
vinegar. Pisces should bathe...a lot. Or wash with lemons. Not
to be confused with Reese's Pisces, which are really tasty. Your
favorite panties should be the thong. If not, re-check your
birth certificate because someone is lying to you. Good luck
color? Clear.
Dates of interest: February 29. Good things will happen. The
rest of the year will probably blow.
Stay away from air conditioning.
GEMINI (What difference does it make? The following drivel will
be Virgo's horoscope three months from now): Don't quote us but
we think Gemini has something to do with twins. As long as we're
talking about twin broads, Gemini is one of the best moon signs
to be born under. If you weren't, maybe you can be reincarnated
as a Gemini. Don't delay. The quicker you jump, the better
chance you have. Geminis are generally a horny lot, because of
the twin thing. We're not sure why. Your lucky number is 1, as
in ONE lucky guy doing both the twins. Color of interest? That
little lacy white thing will work. Stay out of the road. Happy
Hour is the best time of the day. The Gemini is a master bator.
We hope we spelled baiter" right. Don't drink and drive. Unless
you have to.
VIRGO ( ? ) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
LIBRA (You tell us): Closely resembling the name of a dangerous
Middle East country, Libra's are smart if they don't admit their
Libra-ness or they fall victim to racial profiling. Which is
smart. Libra's bring nothing to the table. But they leave with
stuff because they're thieves. Don't speak with your mouth full.
You suck, Libra.
ARIES ( June, 2002): If you were born under this star sign
you have the misfortune of being born under the worst car sign
since the Taurus. You like rust. But you can't get your motor
started half the time and consequently, we're sick of jump
starting you. Lack of interest best describes you. Unless, by
some stroke of luck, you're a hot chick. Then, we have new found
interest. Especially if you swallow. Your lucky number can't be
calculated. Your best time of the day? Last call. It's your only
chance for action.
SAGITTARIUS (%&!@#&^%): Too hard to spell...even harder to predict what
will happen to you. Mostly because we don't give a shit. Your lucky number?
19 degrees Celsius. Don't forget to wipe your ass for luck.
Stay away from green cats. At 4:32pm, take shelter. Moon sign is "Closed for Remodeling".
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-12-13 10:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MOST HEATED!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It does not.
That's reason enough to NEVER believe in Horoscopes.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CAPRICORN (The winter we think): God, your life blows. Give it
up. Your favorite color is blue. You like pizza? I like pizza.
Lucky number is 391 for no apparent reason. Stay away from Giraffes.
No one cares about you because you're not a Leo. Get bent.
Don't eat the schnitzel, it's schnauzer.
My birthday is next Monday. I ALREADY know my life blows.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-05 14:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It holds up well. Considering that it was penned in around 1999...or 2000 or so.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 14:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like fine wine, or bad cheese, this got better with age.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-27 22:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-05-03 04:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by howto (user info) at 2005-05-03 04:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2005-03-06 20:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice ripping off of my stuff there, faggot.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-10-28 20:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to rip off a title of my post.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-10-28 20:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey you forgot Leo:(
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-28 20:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Using mommy's credit card are we? I hope you asked her for permission.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-28 20:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who gives a fuck about ratings?
You're a joke, a loser if you will. Can you get a billboard erected with your zitface pic on it and maybe something along the lines of "I rate at 1.43. Aren't I the shit?"
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm playing poker, dipshit.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-28 20:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, they are so bad that I have an average rating of 1.43, one of the highest on the site, while each post I make gets a minimum 500 hits. You can't even seem to maintain, or achieve, a positive score. The reason why you wouldn't go through my posts is that most of them you have already -2ed, so doing it again wouldn't achieve anything.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/49928#916397
I wrote that not twenty minutes ago, and here you are again saying the same line: "I'm retired, rich, and I play poker and golf every day." Get a new act, this one you are doing now is getting boring. Thanks for playing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-28 20:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The "reach puberty" line is a classic, Carrot Top. Particularly since I'm retired and playing golf and poker every day of my life now.
But hey, stay with it. It works for you. Dipshit.
I'd go into your posts and rip them but they're so bad, what would be the point?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bitch bitch bitch. That is all I ever see you do. Lay off the emo, go on outside and get some sun, reach puberty, and then see how you feel.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's a lie, dipshit.
Many peeps who I give -2's to also receive +2's when they produce something good...in MY opinion.
Some peeps receive -2's exclusively because, well, they suck. Take you for example.
So, in conclusion Freud, quit lying...and lay off the greasy foods.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, someone who has recieved hundreds of +2s and only a handful of -2s (from yourself) obviously has no right to rate your posts, because they are divine. You say you rate accurately, but if people -2 your posts you catch up with them five or ten fold eventually. You are just like every other troll: jealous of those with more talent than yourself. Thanks for playing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuckface- stay the fuck out of my posts.
They're for mature audiences only. You don't qualify. Also, invest in Oxy.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-10-28 18:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-28 18:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a very funny* man^ shlongy.
*immature
^child
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-28 11:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lookee here...the Chief Uber Fag (see below) single-handedly brought this post to a grinding halt.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-27 20:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 20:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ummmmmm....Alex Trebek?
No, wait...he's just a Frog.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-27 19:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'll believe it because you certainly act like a leo. guess who else is a leo?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 19:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hidden- I wrote every last word of it..more than 2 years ago and it was posted in an NHL Hockey Team Chat Room.
2 quick thoughts...
1) I don't give a shit whether you "believe it" or not
b) I also don't give a shit about your +2.
But I'll be the first to admit if I use someone elses material in here....or anywhere else for that matter.
I may be a lousy writer, but I'm no plagerizer.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is hilarious. i'd give you a plus two if you had written it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, actually, almost all of your posts are terrible but whatever floats your boat, darlin'.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:39:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Fewer hits but just look at the rating, loverboy.
I'd call this a success.
At my present rate of popularity, I can pretty much throw random letters at the keyboard and probably get good grades, now. As long as I punctuate properly.
---
That's what keeps me posting everyday. Getting decent ratings for utter shite. In fact, the only terrible post I made recently was under another name, and nobody knew it was me.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Am I really that horny?
+1 because it didn't suck. Actually pretty good, I suppose.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 18:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fewer hits but just look at the rating, loverboy.
I'd call this a success.
At my present rate of popularity, I can pretty much throw random letters at the keyboard and probably get good grades, now. As long as I punctuate properly.
Submitted by shlongy's gay lover at 2004-10-27 18:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For once, just for once, my love has decided to put more than 3 minutes into his post. It still sucks, but at least he's FUCKING TRYING.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-27 14:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My birth sign is the same as a terrible disease?
Shit.
I'm going outside for a smoke now.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-27 14:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jabba_the_Shit (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:23:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, it doesn't say when Shlongy's face is gonna get bashed in by a brick!
Shlongy, did you omit this on purpose?
Who's this prick?
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2004-10-27 14:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid taurus.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-10-27 13:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:48:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
heh. I'm a sagitarius.
------
Me too. Looks like we got the shit end of the stick here. Fuckin' Leo's, no stamina.
While, I, on the other hand am hung like a horse.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh. I'm a sagitarius.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Virgo?
Submitted by CodeBlue (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I smell an Onion ripoff, but since it's funny +1
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jabba_the_Shit (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, it doesn't say when Shlongy's face is gonna get bashed in by a brick!
Shlongy, did you omit this on purpose?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-27 12:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep I am a Capricorn. And mine sucked!!
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yes. i get to do the twins!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CAPRICORN (The winter we think): God, your life blows. Give it
up. Your favorite color is blue. You like pizza? I like pizza.
Lucky number is 391 for no apparent reason. Stay away from Giraffes.
No one cares about you because you're not a Leo. Get bent.
Don't eat the schnitzel, it's schnauzer.
___________________________________________
You're so right.
My life does blow, and giving up is tempting. Blue has always been a favourite colour of mine, and pizza makes the world go round. Giraffes scare me, I'm already bent (well not entirely straight, at any rate) and it takes me 391 steps to get to the bar from my car when I park it in town so that's gotta be a lucky number.
I'll avoid random sausages today.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gotta be plus 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually posted this sheer nonsense in an NHL hockey team Chat Room about three years ago...and I swear to God, someone just emailed it to me yesterday- and said that someone had saved it and ran it again in the last day or two.
Can't tell you the team...sorry!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha.
Aries.
Sucks to be me.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha! I'm a Scorpio. Too bad I forgot my tec 9 today.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ever read the onions version?
Still funny, so i'll +1 this
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-27 11:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't wanna hear another word from you, Mister.