I couldn't think of a catchy title for this, Bartenders Suck (541 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.5 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Allenson (View user info) at 2004-10-28 03:17:16 EDT
At my place of employment, we have 'bartenders.' The term bartender is only loosely applicable to these people, as their job requires no actual bartending skill. The extent of their job is to use a grossly simplified cash register, and be over 21 so they can pour draft beer and box wine. (Basically off-brand franzia) Yes, I work in a very classy establishment. These people tend to have a bit of a superior attitude, as they are 21+, and the rest of us are around 18, some younger. They don't seem to realize that they're going to be stuck in food service for the rest of their lives, with no possibility of promotion because they're so fucking stupid. There are exceptions to the bartender rule, but where would the fun be in discussing decent, normal people who happen to be working with me for a short time between real jobs?
Tonight's topic of discussion is one such bartender, who, for purposes of anonymity, I will call 'Ted.' Now, Ted is an asshole, in addition to being about as sharp as a ball. I'm not quite sure how old he is, but he has 2 kids, one of which is 11 or 12. Ninety-nine percent of his statements consist mainly of him muttering, "Shit, dawg, shit. This shit sucks." It's not normal muttering either, you basically have to put your ear inside his mouth to hear him. After the first time, there's no reason to bother; you already know the content, if not the exact wording, of what he's going to say. (Not that I put my ear in his mouth.....often)
Ted constantly receives calls on his cell-phone while at work(blatant policy violation), and calls on the store phone. (The same one we take orders with) One of the few times he is audible is when he's on the phone, and his conversations, at least the one side of them we can hear, are hilarious. They usually fit one of two structures:
The girlfriend/wife/significant other/whore/whatever else call:
"Hey."
"Working."
"I'M AT WORK!"
"What?"
"You what?"
And then one of two endings
"Bitch, am I gonna have to kick your ass?!"
or
"Bitch, I'm gonna kick your fucking ass when I get home!"
Isn't domestic abuse wonderful?
Then there's the kid-being-forced-to-call-by-other-parental-figure call:
"Hey."
"Working."
"I'M AT WORK!"
"What?"
"You what?"
"Are you telling me your teacher's lying?"
"Are you telling me she's a liar?"
"Just answer the goddamn question!"
"I don't wanna talk to you no more. Put your mother back on."
Could his level of education be effecting his kid's motivation here? I daresay it is.
The other day he pulled out his cell phone and took a call at the bar while our fucking supervisor was visiting the store! And the man wonders why he was fired from his other job....
I'd also like to add that he bitches constantly (much like what I am doing in this piece), in typical "shit dawg shit" fashion. When we're slow: "Shit, son, this shit's boring." When we're busy: "Shit, dawg, this shit's hectic." BIGGEST NON-CONTRACTION IN TED'S VOCABULARY
To top it all off: he can't go 30 minutes without using the restroom! I swear the man must have irritable bowel, or a urinary tract infection of some kind. If he doesn't, it might be his idea of being subtle with his phone calls. Either way, the man spends too much time in the can.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention something extremely important. He waddles. Give it a moment to sink in following what I've already told you about the guy. He fucking waddles. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm fat, but I consider not waddling to be a point of pride. There's just no good excuse for it.
I'll leave you with an original quote from Ted tonight at work. I nearly pissed myself laughing when he speed-waddled to the back and spouted it off at everyone. "Shit! I just fuckin' spilled my whole motherfuckin' mop bucket! I ran into some old guy....umm....some old-ass drunk motherfucker ran into me and made it spill!"
Stay tuned for more about fucked-up pseudo-bartenders. Same pizza time, same pizza channel.
User Reviews
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-10-28 13:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I bartend as well.
I think I speak for Bob when I say 'Ted' is not a bartender. He's a waiter behind a bar. What he does requires no skill.
Can't believe you told us that you were fat in your post. That's bold.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-10-28 10:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I bartend. Ted sounds like a dick. About the constant running to the bathroom; it's common practice to rail lines of coke in a bar on the top of the toilet's tank.
Submitted by cuckingfunt (user info) at 2004-10-28 09:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have called it 'Thoughts of a boring Cunt!'
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-28 09:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Neither Ted, nor you, are very interesting.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-28 09:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mildly ammusing. Perhaps a story next time?
Submitted by Mercutio (user info) at 2004-10-28 09:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice....I love coworker stories.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-10-28 04:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah...coworkers. i wrote a post on those too a while ago, ya gotta love them.