Grouchy the Demon Dog (991 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.72 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by harmlessness (View user info) at 2004-10-28 15:23:44 EDT
Note: This was written on Tuesday, October 26, 2004, but since I was (somewhat) banned, the posting of this article was delayed.
---------------------------------------
Grouchy is a Beagle.
He's not just any Beagle, though; he's an insane demon Beagle.
Let me elaborate.
On September 4th, 2004, my good friend Mike adopted a stray Beagle puppy that he found roaming the streets at 2:00 a.m. I was with him when we found the dog, and I'm the one who carried the dog back to his house. We put him in the pantry with a bowl of water and a package of sliced turkey breast.
The next morning when we went to leave, the dog had clawed a hole in the pantry door. No big deal, the door was thin anyways. It was just a cheap, hollow door.
When we found the dog, he was laying in the canine version of the fetal position, frantically licking his balls. When Mike reached down to grab him, the dog snarled and began jumping and flipping around, biting his arm several times.
And so it was to be that the dog would be deemed 'Grouchy.'
Grouchy was a small dog, but very violent. He also seemed to be incredibly stupid-- possibly a direct result of inbreeding? He would run around the house until he found something to jump up onto, then suddenly flip off. It was hilarious.
More than once, we witnessed him trying to exit the house via the small doggy door Mike's parents had installed in the sliding glass door. He would back up across the room, scratch one of his paws, and then take off towards the door. Only one problem with that: He always missed. He would ram head-first into the glass door just about every time he tried to get out.
On one occasion, Mike, myself, and a few neighborhood kids were in the backyard playing football. Grouchy would sit on the porch, seemingly content with watching the action. Never once did he even bark at us. He'd just sit there, eying us.
On that day, one of the larger kids was unnecessarily violent with me. I was to run for the touchdown, which the quarterback would throw my way. Not long after I caught the ball, the defender that was guarding me grabbed me and threw me down on the ground.
But he wasn't done.
He then picked me up and slammed me into a tree, a loud jumble of obscenities emanating from both of our mouths.
Grouchy got up.
I saw it in slow motion, as my attacker strutted around. Grouchy was coming for the guy, and I wasn't about to warn him.
With a powerful boost from his hind legs, Grouchy flew through the air-- directly at my attacker's package. His twig 'n' berries, if you know what I mean.
Aaaaand, contact was made! Grouchy had a mouthful of this guy's shit and he wasn't letting go, no matter how hard the guy hit him on the head. Mike ran over and grabbed Grouchy's hind legs. He leaned backwards, trying to pull the violent dog from the other guy's meat.
The guy screamed. Whether it was pain or terror, I'm not sure. The look in his eyes showed fear, yet his voice cracked with pain. I'm going with pain on this one.
There were several more occasions where Grouchy protected Mike or me. He even attacked an old lady who was threatening to call the cops on us for throwing dirt clods at Mike's car.
He wasn't even provoked, really. He just saw the lady screaming and pointing her cane at the car and attacked.
We quickly got him off of her and threw him in the house, where he put several holes in the drywall while we reasoned with the lady not to call the police or the dog catcher.
Unfortunately, Grouchy died today. He died of heart failure at the ripe age of 2 and a half years old. That's seventeen and a half dog years.
Grouchy you'll always be remembered by the only picture I ever managed to take of you-- flying directly at me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dave <mrmacro.at.starband.net> at 2004-11-07 14:29:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How sad that no one commented on the puppy's obvious opinion. Regardless of how the picture was produced, that is not the expression of a happy puppy. I suspect he was tossed into the air. Most pups, clearly this one included, find that frightening. Yes, it's a relatively funny story. However, photographic evidence of low-grade animal abuse takes the luster off.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-30 22:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, Tim, I'm ignoring you on AIM.
Don't feel special, I'm ignoring everyone. I'm watching a movie.
Anyways, he had the dog taken to a vet, who gave an estimate of age. That's what I'm going by.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-30 22:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hilarious.
How did you know the dog was 2 and a half this year? If you found him surely he could've been any age? Or was it 2 1/2 years since you found him. Because that would explain it and make this whole comment null and void.
Submitted by RapSupaStar (user info) at 2004-10-29 22:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice name, "grouchy" plus 2
Submitted by AlmostAngelic (user info) at 2004-10-28 22:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww! Great story and even if the picture's not yours, it adds much!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-10-28 22:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I wish my dog would protect me. I got in a fight in front of my house and she just layed there and watched. I won, but fuck that dog. Bitch.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice pic.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh. Picture is not important. Good post.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awww
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best.
picture.
ever.
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-28 21:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You ain't right, man.
R.I.P. Grouchy
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
El Retardo.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for story.
+2 for retarded Mexican in the picture.
Submitted by Elf_Down (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats a really cool dog.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-28 19:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Great story, great picture. This post has it all.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:33:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:28:11 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's a fake photo, look at the shadows that outline the entire dog. Why would his ears make a
perfect shadow on the door? Why would his hind leg make a shadow in thin air?
+2 for a doggy story
-4 for for photochop
---
Awesome deduction, Sherlock Shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ha!
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story,
Great Picture!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just realized I fucked up not once, but TWICE.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, fuck you, Tony.
It's a fucking picture. It was put there to add to the story. It's already been established that it's not mine.
And, for the record, if the camera had a flash (which, by the looks of the picture, it did,) then the shadow would be very easy to see, and it would look like that.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:28:11 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's a fake photo, look at the shadows that outline the entire dog. Why would his ears make a
perfect shadow on the door? Why would his hind leg make a shadow in thin air?
+2 for a doggy story
-4 for for photochop
---
Awesome deduction, Sherlock Shit.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's a fake photo, look at the shadows that outline the entire dog. Why would his ears make a
perfect shadow on the door? Why would his hind leg make a shadow in thin air?
+2 for a doggy story
-4 for for photochop
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 in consolation for UberMadness. Good luck in March!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 17:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Damn! Well enough.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post, but I can't give you a +2 because you represented this picture as your own, and it's not.
Evidence
|
V
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35206
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike threw him at me when he bit him.
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
da bomb!
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the picture, how did he end up flying like that?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture fucking rocks.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for flying dogs.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-10-28 16:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That is one crazy lookin dog.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey, glad to see you back ubering again!
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what do you mean grouchy.....died?
*crys*
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was much better than this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48751
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome picture/post.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
harmlessness.at.gmail.com
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww... CUTE! My cocker spaniel Brandy had to be put to sleep a couple of weeks ago. I feel your pain.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww.... woof.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dogs Rock!!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops! Should have been +2.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pahahahahahahah!
AAAAaaaaand contact was made!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So I was right, eh?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock.
That dog looks a bit cross-eyed, though.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too many accounts.
I think I had like 7, and, from what I can tell, Bart waited until I got kicked from UM before disabling my posting and such.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for the pic alone
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pic. You were banned why?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-28 15:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I chuckled.