I hope you fucking choke (1229 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.67 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-30 18:30:34 EDT
I fucking tried.
"It'd make me so happy if you tried," he said.
"I know you'll do fine," he said.
"It doesn't have to be perfect," he said.
I believed him. That was my first mistake, and it was all downhill from there. Here's me, the woman who can move mountains with the sheer impact of her cursing. Me, who drives like a bat out of hell, can build a decent brick wall, and can repair a toaster. I mean, I'm hardcore. I'm kickass. I'm a fucking awesome specimen of femininity*. "I am woman, hear me snore", and all that. And with one word from this man, I'm in the kitchen, tending saucepans with the dedicated love of Martha fucking Stewart.
(*I may be exaggerating my awesomeness by a fair bit, here. Just let me keep my delusions, okay? They're all I have left.)
For those of you NOT already inundated and bored beyond belief with the up to date breaking news details of my life, I am in Holland, with my Dutch fiance.
We went to see his Mum the other day. I love her; none of this was her fault. She made this... stuff. It's called 'boerenkool' and it's basically a cabbage like stuff, cooked and mixed with potatoes.
It is so fucking simple. It's not even classified as cooking! For some reason, though, the exhaustingly Dutch son of a bitch to whom I am shackled* thinks it's the Holy Grail of foodstuffs. And I, foolishly, naively, with the pure and unreasoning devotion of which I have recently discovered myself capable, wanted to make him happy.
(*He's really not that bad. At all.)
How fucking hard can it be? Cabbage and potatoes, right? I can cook cabbage, I can mash potatoes, I can put things on plates. Just put it all together and I'd be instant perfect little housewifey THING in no time.
So, I set out to make him happy by doing this simple thing. I was in the kitchen at five this afternoon, ready and eager to be wonderful.
I'm not really sure where I went wrong. I mean, I TRIED. I cooked this smelly green stuff, and boiled the fuck out of a few potatoes. I cut my finger, stubbed my toe, and spilled boiling water on my wrist. I half melted the handle on a saucepan, set something on fire, and somehow got mashed potato halfway up the wall.
Everything was going along just like it always does when people let me in a kitchen. Therefore, I felt pretty confident.
Half an hour later, I came out of the warzone that had mysteriously taken up residence in the kitchen* and carried out two plates of what, for lack of a better word, I'll call "anti-food."
(*It's a really, really small kitchen. There had to be some serious restructuring of the fabric of space/time in order to import more space for the mess to fill up. When I say "I'm a messy cook", it's like saying "The ocean has a little water in it." It just doesn't come close to the enormity of the facts.)
His face was alight. He looked expectant and eager, and happy that I'd gone to the trouble of making the effort. If I had taken the anti-food away at that point and ordered pizza, all would have been well.
He took a bite. His face changed.
"Interesting," he said.
"It's different," he said.
"I wish we had a dog," he said.
This one took me a couple of minutes to work out. Seeing the puzzled look on my face, he explained helpfully, "That way I could feed this to it under the table, and not hurt your feelings by letting you know how awful it is."
I found this consideration of my feelings extremely thoughtful, and I told him so. I also lovingly explained that Dutch food is stupid. After that, I informed him of my opinion on his kitchen, and his saucepans, and his stove. I asked him gently if he'd maybe like to have me poison his coffee for the rest of his life. I asked him to please choke to death on the anti-food I had so lovingly prepared. I may have threatened bodily harm and compared his ancestors to reptiles at some point. I'm not really sure; everything got a little hazy.
What I do know is this: I still have to finish cleaning the kitchen, I'm going to stick to fried rice and lasagne in future, and telling a Dutchman that you hope his family drowns in an exploding dike accident is a really fast way to stop him saying "I'm happy that you tried."
As is replying "Fuck you. I don't want you to be happy."
User Reviews
Submitted by deelo (user info) at 2007-04-28 13:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ahahahaha
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-04-28 13:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I swear, after the first three lines, I was sure he was cajoling you to give your first bj.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-04-28 13:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I swear, after the first three lines, I was sure he was cajoling you to give your first bj.
Submitted by pr1mo (user info) at 2007-04-28 12:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no further comment at this time.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-01-31 12:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-30 20:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wish we had a dog," he said.
hahahahaha....I'll have to remember that one!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-20 07:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Had to rate this because I laughed out loud at the reptile comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:58:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"After that, I informed him of my opinion on his kitchen, and his saucepans, and his stove."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I have an excellent recipe for cabbage, potatoes and cheesy brats. It rocks. Of course, I CAN cook. See the evil little smirk on my face, see it? Does it make you want to spank me?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just had to come back to say how much I fully enjoyed this.
This is just so fucking well done, that I feel completely justified with my decision not to enter Uber Madness.
I only pick fights I know I can win.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I can only cook Kraft Mac & Cheese.
Don't feel bad darling.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dutch people have their own cuisine? Gross!
They should just stick to making cheese and being invaded by Germany.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can cook for me anytime, Circe.
What?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-01 16:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome! Bravo and Cheers to you. . . tell him that you'll stick to building and fixing things not his food! Rock on! Plus fucking 2!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I cooked this smelly green stuff, and boiled the fuck out of a few potatoes. I cut my finger, stubbed my toe, and spilled boiling water on my wrist. I half melted the handle on a saucepan, set something on fire, and somehow got mashed potato halfway up the wall"
I peed.
Thanks.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-01 08:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I asked him to please choke to death on the anti-food I had so lovingly prepared.
----
You frighten me, yet arouse me, all at the same time.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-01 06:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you have understated your awesomeness darling!
Keep kickin' ass first, asking questions later.
:o)
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-31 15:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
god
you're the best
you make traditional romantic relationships sound INTERESTING again
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-31 15:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-10-31 03:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IT was you wasn't it?! You sent this to the yankees and they read the title and that's why they choked! Good job!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-31 03:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what? I think he was only just realizing how absolutely terrible boiled cabbage and potatoes have ALWAYS been, but it took the unfamiliar context of having someone other than his mother cook them to make him realize it. The resulting cognitive dissonance naturally caused some antisocial behavior.
Submitted by chameleon (user info) at 2004-10-30 22:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cabbage + Potatoes = Lots of Crap in the larder
Submitted by DoaMguy <Inyourbackyardlookingthroughyo> at 2004-10-30 22:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you use anti-freeze, you can kill him and the dog that he gets to feed your cooking to.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll put a bomb vest on Rosie O'Donnell. That takes care of the exploding dike. The rest is up to you.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha. sounds like the impending marriage is off to a good start. I wish you luck.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I asked him gently if he'd maybe like to have me poison his coffee for the rest of his life."
He's a lucky, lucky man.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-10-30 20:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:43:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I may have threatened bodily harm and compared his ancestors to reptiles at some point."
Heheheh, I love you. Lose the cheesehead and come eat takeaway with me.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's "takeout" you sexy bitches. Not takeaway.
Submitted by disgruntled (user info) at 2004-10-30 20:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Y'know whether you like it or not, bad food is still bad food...and it does make people say weird things.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-10-30 20:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomely written!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your humor reminds me of Pratchett are you a discworld fan?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwwww, you can cook for me anytime!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertainingly written. Made me want to try Dutch food. Prepared by someone other than you, of course.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thricepalermo - me cooking naked is not erotic. Me cooking naked is the fastest way to the hospital burns unit known to man.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Filthy - in a heartbeat. Chinese food and vodka and schoolgirl lesbian bondage porn.
SupremeOverlord - I can cook! It takes a while, and it's generally considered about as safe to be around as Chernobyl, but I can cook.
Just not, apparently, this.
Kai - I did the bacon bits thing. They were great... it was just the toxic sludge they were embedded in that was the problem.
Submitted by thricepalermo (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cook naked. Everything tastes better.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should learn to cook; nothing sexier than a woman in the kitchen. (especially if she's cooking naked..... but watch out for hot grease!)
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can smell dog fur on my lapel.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha Aww, I feel your pain.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time, cook slower. Let the boiled potatos cool a bit before you mix. Don't overboil the cabbage, it should still be a bit firm when mixed - the heat keeps cooking it. Eat it with pork chops, and maybe mix in some crispy bacon bits (and some of the bacon fat - thsi is European cooking after all....). Where's the pic?????
Had pig's feet yet? YUM!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I may have threatened bodily harm and compared his ancestors to reptiles at some point."
Heheheh, I love you. Lose the cheesehead and come eat takeaway with me.
I was going to say something impressive in dutch here but the only thing I can remember how to spell is 'Hoe laat is het?' which has no relevance whatsoever and just makes me look like a tool.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I cant cook either, it's okay.
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOHOOOOO
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What. The. Fuck.
Seriously.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-30 18:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dutch oven!