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My Date With An 85 Year Old Nympho (1099 hits)

Category: Romance

Rating: 1.55 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Dano - Scott_James' Cousin (View user info) at 2004-10-30 19:25:15 EDT

I don't date much. I used to think that dating was for faggots and men too stupid to go out and club a woman unconcious and bring her back to his cave for some sweet, sweet, tender ass-fucking.

But that dumbass cousin of mine thought I needed to start dating because he was afraid I was going stir crazy wanking myself off sixteen times a day whilst watching porn and drinking anti-freeze. )Lighter fluid is for pussies.

Anyways, I decided to hook up with some broad who was advertising in the lonely hearts section of the local rag. She described herself as "A Little Firecracker To Light Up Any Man's Life".

I would have preferred "I'll Let You Whack It Up My Shitter For Free" but I had already had seventy-five wanks that week so I was feeling reasonably laidback.

So I go to meet this broad at a fancy restaurant in The City. I booked seats at the window overlooking the plaza because I'm a classy guy. Plus, I get to moon people walking by and keep an eye on my car just make sure no homeless freak tries to steal it.

Anyways, I get to the restaurant and look around for Little Miss Firecracker. She said in her letters that she would be wearing a blue dress with a red ribbon in her hair.

I scanned the room with my raging boner. My eyesight ain't so good on account of all that freetime I have on my hands so I have to let the old divining rod lead the way. For a minute I thought I had gotten lucky but it turns out it was just some cat. Or the waiter. Whatever, all I care is that the fuck finished me off. But then the lousy cat expected a tip. That's some fucked up shit - I was doing him a favour, bitch.

So, I zipped up my boner and went back to look for my date. There she was, as advertised, dressed in a blue dress and wearing a red ribbon in her hair. And looking not one year under 90.

Christ, that bitch was old. I could not believe what that damn inbred fuck of a cousin had gotten me into. I was so going to rip him a new one and rape him in it later that night. I was going to make him like it too. Bitchass.

But a date is a date and hell I had booked a table. I was not going to shirk on that.

So I made my way over and introduced myself.

She said, "Hi, my name is Hilary. I'm your date for the evening."

I said," "Hi, I'm Dano and I'm going to fuck your brains out."

And so it was.

It wasn't such a bad night. I had fun hurling abuse at waiters and hiding Hilary's dentures, but I was surprised to see how much we had in common:

- Hilary loved moonlit walks by the beach.
- I love to fuck.

- Hilary loved to hear the sound of the waves when she woke up each morning.
- I love to fuck.

- Hilary loved the smell of roses in the springtime
- I love to fuck.

She weren't too bad for an old broad. She kept coughing up shit onto her plate from time to time, but she kind of stopped doing it after the third punch to the neck.

We split the bill 50-50 even though I ordered a light salad and no dessert, but I figured it was the most I could do seeing as how I had pissed in her soup when she was in the bathroom.

After the meal I drove her home. She asked me if I wanted to come in for a cup of coffee, I asked whether she gave head.

That must have done it for her cause she was all over me like a rash in seconds. I ran my hands over her wrinkled titties while she clamped her brittle fingers over my raging boner. I ran my fingers down to the sweet spot and was about to go for the money when she let out a cry of ecstasy that could be heard all around the Macdonalds drivethru we were in.

"Call me a bitch, daddy!" She yelled, as much as an 85 year old nympho could.

I pulled away quickly and was aghast with horror.

"What did you say?"

"I said, call me a bitch, daddy! Make me feel it!!!" She said again.

With that, I opened up her door and kicked her decrepid ass onto the sidewalk and threw her panties out after her.

"What do you think I am?" I screamed, "Some kind of pervert?"

I slammed the door and drove off. I had to have sixty wanks in a long cold shower before the feeling wore off.

Sick bitch.

User Reviews

Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-31 20:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by disgruntled (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Awesome description of sagging old titties. Very funny!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-30 20:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

fag

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-30 20:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Fag

Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

And here's how Ali G would say it:

I don't date much. I used to think dat dating was fer faggots and mun too stupid to go out and club a bitch unconcious and bring ha back to his cave fer some sweet, sweet, tenda ass-fucking.

But dat dumbass cousin hof mine thought I needed to start dating 'coz he was afraid I was going stir crazy wanking meself off sixteun times a day whilst watching porn and drinking anti-freeze. )Lighta fluid is fer pussies.

Anyways, I decided to hook up wif some broad who was advertising in da lonely hearts section hof da local rag. She described herself as "A Little Firecracka To Light Up Any geezer's Life".

I would have preferred "I'll Let me uncle jamal Whack It Up My Shitta fer Free" but I had already had seventy-five wanks dat week so I was feeling reasonably laidback.

So I go to meet dis broad at a fancy restaurant in da City. I booked seats at da window overlooking da plaza 'coz I'm a classy geezer. Plus, I get to moon people walking by and keep an eye on my car just make sure no Stainesless freak tries to steal it.

Anyways, I get to da restaurant and look around fer Little Miss Firecracker. She said in ha letters dat she would be wearing a blue dress wif a red ribbon in ha hair.

I scanned da room wif my raging boner. My eyesight ain't so good on account hof all dat freetime I have on my hands so I have to let da old divining rod lead da way. fer a minute I thought I had gottun lucky but it turns out it was just some cat. Or da waiter. wotever, all I care is dat da fuck finished me off. But thun da lousy cat expected a tip. That's some fucked up shit - I was doing him a favour, bitch.

So, I zipped up my bona and went back to look fer my date. There she was, as advertised, dressed in a blue dress and wearing a red ribbon in ha hair. And looking not one year unda 90.

Christ, dat bitch was old. I could not believe wot dat damn inbred fuck hof a cousin had gottun me into. I was so going to rip him a new one and rape him in it lata dat night. I was going to make him like it too. Bitchass.

But a date is a date and hell I had booked a table. I was not going to shirk on that.

So I made my way ova and introduced meself.

She said, "Hi, my name is Hilary. I'm your date fer da evening."

I said," "Hi, I'm Dano and I'm going to fuck your brains out."

And so it was.

It wasn't such a bad night. I had fun hurling abuse at waiters and hiding Hilary's dentures, but I was surprised to see how much we had in common:

- Hilary digd moonlit walks by da beach.
- I dig to fuck.

- Hilary digd to hear da sound hof da waves whun she woke up each morning.
- I dig to fuck.

- Hilary digd da smell hof roses in da sprintime
- I dig to fuck.

She weren't too bad fer an old broad. She kept coughing up shit onto ha plate from time to time, but she kind hof stopped doing it afta da third punch to da neck.

We split da bill 50-50 evun though I ordered a light salad and no dessert, but I figured it was da most I could do seeing as how I had pissed in ha soup whun she was in da bathroom.

Afta da meal I drove ha Staines. She asked me if I wanted to come in fer a cup hof coffee, I asked whetha she gave head.

dat must have done it fer ha cause she was all ova me like a rash in seconds. I ran my hands ova ha wrinkled titties while she clamped ha brittle finers ova my raging boner. I ran my finers down to da sweet spot and was about to go fer da money whun she let out a cry hof ecstasy dat could be heard all around da Macdonalds drivethru we were in.

"Call me a bitch, old geezerdy!" She yelled, as much as an 85 year old nympho could.

I pulled away quickly and was aghast wif horror.

"wot did me uncle jamal say?"

"I said, call me a bitch, old geezerdy! Make me feel it!!!" She said again.

Wif that, I opened up ha door and kicked ha decrepid ass onto da sidewalk and threw ha panties out afta her.

"wot do me uncle jamal think I am?" I screamed, "Some kind hof pervert?"

I slammed da door and drove off. I had to have sixty wanks in a long cold showa before da feeling wore off.

Sick bitch.

Submitted by Super_Fucking_King_KoolMang (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

-2 for yoo

Submitted by Super_Fucking_King_KoolMang (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

-2 for yoo

Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Snoop Dogg shizzilates this post:

I don't date much, know what I'm sayin'? I used think that dating wuz fo' faggots 'n fools too stupid go out 'n club a brizzle unconcious 'n bring her back tha dude's cave fo' some sweet, sweet, tender ass-fucking."

But that dumbass cousin of mine thought I needed start dating because tha dude wuz afraid I wuz going stir crazy wanking myself off sixteen times a day whilst watching porn 'n drinking anti-freeze, know what I'm sayin'? )Lighter fluid is fo' pussies."

Anyways, I decided hook up wit some broad who wuz advertising in da lonely hearts section of da local rag, know what I'm sayin'? She described herself as "A Little Firecracker To Light Up Any Man's Life" n' shit.

I would has preferred "I'll Let Yo' ass Whack It Up My Shitter For Free" but I had already had seventy-five wanks that week so I wuz feeling reasonably laidback."

So I go meet this broad at a fancy restaurant in The City, know what I'm sayin'? I booked seats at da window overlooking da plaza because I'm a classy fool n' shit. Plus, I get moon muthas walking by 'n keep an eye on my hooptie just make sho no homeless freak tries steal that shiznit."

Anyways, I get da restaurant 'n look around fo' Little Miss Firecracker, know what I'm sayin'? She be like in her letters that brizzle would be wearing a blue dress wit a red ribbon in her hair n' shit.

I scanned da room wit my raging boner n' shit. My eyesight ain't so gravy on account of izzall that freetime I has on my hands so I has let da old divining rod lead da way, know what I'm sayin'? For a minute I thought I had gotten lucky but that shiznit turns out that shiznit wuz just some cat n' shit. Or da waiter, know what I'm sayin'? Whatever, izzall I care is that da fuck finished me off." But then da lousy cat expected a tip n' shit. That's some fucked up shit - I wuz doing tha dude's ass a favour, bitch."

So, I zipped up my boner 'n went back look fo' my date." There brizzle wuz, as advertised, dressed in a blue dress 'n wearing a red ribbon in her hair." And looking not one year under 90.

Christ, that bitch wuz old n' shit. I could not believe what that damn inbred fuck of a cousin had gotten me into." I wuz so going rip tha dude's ass a new one 'n rape tha dude's ass in that shiznit later that night, know what I'm sayin'? I wuz going make tha dude's ass like that shiznit too." Bitchass n' shit.

But a date is a date 'n hell I had booked a table, know what I'm sayin'? I wuz not going shirk on that."

So I made my way over 'n introduced myself n' shit.

She be like, "Hi, my name is Hilary." I'm yo' date fo' da evening n' shit. "

I be like," "Hi, I'm Dano 'n I'm going fuck yo' brains out n' shit. "

And so that shiznit wuz, know what I'm sayin'?

It wasn't such a bad night, know what I'm sayin'? I had fun hurling abuse at waiters 'n hiding Hilary's dentures, but I wuz surprised see how much we had in common:

- Hilary loved moonlit walks by da beach, know what I'm sayin'?
- I love fuck n' shit.

- Hilary loved hear da sound of da waves when brizzle woke up each morning, know what I'm sayin'?
- I love fuck n' shit.

- Hilary loved da smell of roses in da springtime
- I love fuck n' shit.

She weren't too bad fo' an old broad n' shit. She kept coughing up shit onto her plate from time time, but brizzle kind of stopped doing that shiznit after da third punch da neck, know what I'm sayin'?

We split da bill 50-50 even though I ordered a light salad 'n no dessert, but I figured that shiznit wuz da most I could do seeing as how I had pissed in her soup when brizzle wuz in da bathroom."

After da meal I drove her crib." She asked me if I wanted come in fo' a cup of coffee, I asked whether brizzle gave heezee n' shit.

That gots has done that shiznit fo' her cause brizzle wuz izzall over me like a rash in seconds n' shit. I ran my hands over her wrinkled titties while brizzle clamped her brittle fingers over my raging boner." I ran my fingers down da sweet spot 'n wuz 'bout go fo' da paper when brizzle let out a cry of ecstasy that could be heard izzall around da Macdonalds drivethru we wuz in n' shit.

"Call me a bitch, daddy!" She yelled, as much as an 85 year old nympho could n' shit.

I pulled away quickly 'n wuz aghast wit horror, know what I'm sayin'?

"What did yo' ass be like?"

"I be like, call me a bitch, daddy! Make me feel that shiznit!!!" She be like again."

With that, I opened up her door 'n kicked her decrepid ass onto da sidewalk 'n threw her panties out after her, know what I'm sayin'?

"What do yo' ass think I am?" I screamed, "Some kind of pervert?"

I slammed da door 'n drove off n' shit. I had has sixty wanks in a long cold shower before da feeling wore off, know what I'm sayin'?

Sick bitch n' shit.

Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:29:57 (#)
Ranking: 2

Despite the similarities to Sideburns' and Shitfuck's work, this was still fucking amazing. You rock.

-- Plus, I'm getting the impression that it was the author's intention that it mimicked Sideburns and Shitfuck's style. Call it a parody, homage, or rip-off, but the intent is clear.

Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Mildly funny. Whoring off the fact you're Scott_james' cousin sucks though.

Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I thought this was classic cool. Dano's a real lady's man.

Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

avgerage Ubershite. No photo?

Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Dude please, you're better than this. There's some fucking hilarious lines but on the whole it just reads like a rehash of someone else's shit. Down with Dano.

Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

perfect

Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Despite the similarities to Sideburns' and Shitfuck's work, this was still fucking amazing. You rock.

Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-10-30 19:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

'"What do you think I am?" I screamed, "Some kind of pervert?" '

And I laughed, and I laughed...Thanks.