The Cruelest Prank Ever Played (Or Adventures in a Fat Trumpeteer's Ass) (5245 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: NonFiction
Rating: 1.9 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack11058 (View user info) at 2004-10-30 21:29:28 EDT
After high school, I played in a ska band. Yes, I know I'm a dork. But we were relatively successful. The band opened for Save Ferris, Goldfinger and Reel Big Fish among others. I joined the band mainly because I thought it would be a good way to meet chicks. Wrong. But that's another story.
Our trumpet player, who I'll call "Bobby Thompson", since that is his real name, was a Tool. He was such a tool, he was more like a toolbox. He was loud, obnoxious and fat. He treated others like shit and thought he was god's gift to music, women and the world in general. In fact, he was an outstanding trumpet player, which is why we didn't kick him out of the band.
However, after a night which saw Bobby pull some of his most inane and cruel moves of all time, including making our waitress at the Silver Diner cry, we decided it was time for Bobby to receive his comeuppance. Following dinner at the Diner, we played a local show at Phantasmagoria (Wheaton, MD) where we headlined for once. Consequently, there were more people in our band than in the audience. But we rocked hard (as hard as a ska band can rock) and retired to the sax player's house for some well-earned beers.
Bobby, true to form, drank six beers in 20 minutes and passed out face down on the couch immediately following a drunken tirade about him carrying the band and being the true Trumpenator (yes, that was his nickname for himself).
We decided it was time to make good on our darkest desires. Jason (sax) pulled down Bobby's pants and boxers, at which Bobby mumbled in his stupor, "One at a time, ladies, there's more than enough Trumpenator to go around..."
His fate was sealed.
Having lost the coin toss, Alex (guitar) and I, wearing dishwashing gloves for safety, pulled Bobby's ass cheeks apart. Carl (alto sax), who lost both the coin toss and rock-paper-scissors, opened his "emergency condom" (which would never have seen the light of day otherwise), and used a pen to poke the condom deep into Bobby's gaping ass-crack.
Oh, the horror.
The insertion complete, Alex, Carl and I dry heaved our way to the backyard where we burned our rubber gloves and used bleach to scrub our hands and forearms.
Then we retired to Jason's living room for video games and beer.
I was the only one not drinking, so I was also the only one awake in the morning when Bobby shook off his drunken stupor. I was watching the news when Bobby rolled off the couch and noticed his pants were down. I studied him carefully, watching as he looked around, blinking and hungover, wondering what was going on. Then came the look.
It crossed over his face like a tornado going through a trailer park as he noticed the foreign object lodged in his fat ass. He slowly reached down and pulled the condom out from between his legs. It caught a little, leading to an immensely gratifying elastic snap as the tip of the condom released and slapped into his palm.
He looked at me in terror, fighting back heaves, his eyes tearing up.
"Jack, what the fuck happened last night?" he asked me, his voice trembling like an altar boy.
"I don't know, Bobby. Maybe you should ask Erik," I said, pointing over to where our 6'7, 350-pound trombone player lay somnolescently at ease in a recliner, snoring like a satiated bear.
Bobby looked from me to Erik and back to me again. Without a word, he hiked up his pants and tore out of there like a long, forlorn and slightly off-key note from his erstwhile trumpeted ass.
We never saw him again.
User Reviews
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-01-05 02:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First post I readed on uber
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-21 06:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have seen, but fortunately have not been the recipent, of such activity
in the same genra.
Alto/Tenor
(The Blue Velvets)
Submitted by CoffeeAndSmokes (user info) at 2005-02-25 10:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-13 19:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
Submitted by lnknptheory (user info) at 2005-02-13 19:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-02-07 18:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love pranks like this, especially when the victim deserves it. I can still picture the look of horror on his face when he thought he was boned in the ass.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-03 12:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope. Ratchet Boys.
I didn't pick the name.
Submitted by Cisco at 2004-11-03 13:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played. Were you in the Preskoolers by any chance?
Submitted by Jerems (user info) at 2004-11-02 21:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so fucking nasty but so fucking funny
Submitted by Spf-0 (user info) at 2004-11-02 21:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Having recently joined a ska band I have to say it's about time a trumpet player got something shoved up his ass.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-02 19:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KILL THEM.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2004-11-02 17:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story and Ska kicks ass in my opinion. What was the name of your band? Who else did you open for?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-02 17:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
neat
Submitted by Mike da Sexgod <fuckon!> at 2004-11-02 16:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
er... thats shit!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
the +2 is just for having a trombone player in your band. i keep trying to convince my boyfriend's band they need me to play trombone for them but no luck... so far
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ROXXORS!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-02 12:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic stuff, but you must have been pretty rat-arsed to attempt it.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-11-02 06:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-02 04:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-01 16:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-10-31 19:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I could +3 this, I would. The bastard got what he obviously deserved, especially if he's homophobic.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 19:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Quite a few, my friend. You were quite entertaining.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-31 18:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 03:13:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-31 02:06:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
goood stuff perhaps even better because I just finished having drunken gay sex
+_+_+_
Zoidy, you fucking rule.
haha oh man, never get on ubersite while drunk. I wonder just how many posts I went through equating their writing skills with my sexual preference
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-31 10:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The poor guy.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-31 09:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"We decided it was time to make good on our darkest desires. Jason (sax) pulled down Bobby's pants and boxers ... ." I almost stopped reading right there.
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-10-31 09:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
god, i love you!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 05:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-10-31 05:15:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
2 entries found for somnolescent.
som·no·les·cent (smn-lsnt)
adj.
Somnolent; drowsy.
Inducing sleep.
somnolescently? WTF!!!
_*_*_*
somnolescently
adv.
In a somnolescent manner.
Eat me with a spoon. But have a nice day!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-10-31 05:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
2 entries found for somnolescent.
som·no·les·cent (smn-lsnt)
adj.
Somnolent; drowsy.
Inducing sleep.
somnolescently? WTF!!!
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-31 04:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am a jerk, yes.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 04:34:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-31 04:27:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
"After high school, I played in a ska band. Yes, I know I'm a dork. But we were relatively successful. "
When you're in a Ska band, you can never really call yourself successful.
+_+_+_
HAHAHAHA...true. I was just trying to make myself feel better, ok? you big jerk you.
Submitted by BlinkSparky (user info) at 2004-10-31 04:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mint.... B@W
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-31 04:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"After high school, I played in a ska band. Yes, I know I'm a dork. But we were relatively successful. "
When you're in a Ska band, you can never really call yourself successful.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-31 03:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!!!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-10-31 03:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I second the nomination.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 03:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-31 02:06:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
goood stuff perhaps even better because I just finished having drunken gay sex
+_+_+_
Zoidy, you fucking rule.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-31 02:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goood stuff perhaps even better because I just finished having drunken gay sex
Submitted by ShatteredDreams (user info) at 2004-10-31 01:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
Submitted by monkey at 2004-10-31 01:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that was good.
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he probably killed himself
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by QueenSkye (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like a trumpet player.... +2 because "god's gift to music, women and the world in general" sounds like every trumpet player i've ever met
Submitted by disgruntled (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome prank! w00!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Class
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-10-30 23:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one of my favorite posters.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-30 22:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-10-30 22:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was such a tool, he was more like a toolbox.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-10-30 22:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Here's the nomination.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For "somnolescently."
I love you.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another hanging tomorrow especially for halloween.
Submitted by thricepalermo (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smile. I love vengence.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. Yes.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-30 21:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment