A Job Well Done (1651 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:fiction
Rating: 1.96 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-31 06:48:02 EST
The first review he read was in the New York Times:
"This is his third book, and it reads like the other two. All the grisly scenes of torture, while lovingly detailed, are nonetheless just a rehash of the torture scenes in his other novels. It's time for this one-trick pony to be put out to pasture."
His stomach fell. Fucking critics. They had no idea how hard it was to imagine this stuff.
"Poorly researched. This author obviously knows nothing and has a lot to say about it."
Anybody in the room with him that morning would, if they'd been looking carefully, have seen his pupils dilate and the vein on his forehead start to throb dangerously. They would have seen him tear the newspapers scattered on his table into strips, slowly and methodically, muttering under his breath and blinking rapidly.
They would have seen his left eyelid start to twitch.
And any sensible observer wouldn't have seen anything more. They would have been out the door and away down the street, because muttering and twitching eyelids are never a good sign.
____________
Sarah rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and shuffled out onto the porch to get the paper. Her slippers scuffed on the floor as she made her way back to the kitchen to stare longingly at the coffee maker, which was taking its own sweet time to finish making coffee. She breathed deeply, hoping that the frangrance might contain some trace of caffeine that would be absorbed through her mucus membranes and kick start her brain. The happy contented burbling of the coffee maker was too much to bear, and she escaped to the dining room to wait there and start scanning the employment pages.
One in particular caught her eye. "Author requires research assistant. No credentials necessary. Start immediately." There was a phone number.
Now, maybe if the coffee maker had been a newer, faster model, she would have already had that first cup and would have been thinking clearly enough to question the stark brevity of the ad. But it wasn't, and she hadn't, and she dialled the number immediately.
"Hello? I'm calling about the ad for a research assistant. My name is Sarah Beckworth and I have a degree in - "
The voice on the other end interrupted her tersely. "Are you healthy?"
Sarah blinked. "Uh, yes."
"Good. You can start tomorrow. Come to this address."
Sarah wrote the address down on the corner of the newspaper, unable to believe her luck. The warning bells in her head were muted and barely audible, dampened as they were by the aforementioned lack of caffeine.
____________
He opened the door and looked at the tall, pale girl standing on his porch. His brow furrowed for a moment as he tried to remember whether or not he'd ordered pizza, or a hooker, or anything that would explain her presence on his porch. Perhaps she was a Girl Scout, or a Jehova's witness.
He stared at her. She stared back, starting to look worried.
"Hi, I'm Sarah?" She stuck out her hand uncertainly. "I'm your research assistant."
His face cleared. He took her hand and shook it briefly before using it to pull her inside. "Research! Of course. One must research one's subject thoroughly if one is to silence the howling of the literary wolves, must one not?"
Off-balance, she staggered through the door while trying to think of an answer to what seemed to be a rhetorical question. Her train of thought was rudely interrupted by the needle he jabbed in the side of her neck.
_____________
She woke up with her head pounding and her arms and legs aching. She blinked her eyes open, feeling fuzzy and dullheaded. Her new employer was bustling around a desk a few feet in front of her, looking more alive than he had when he'd opened the door. She tried taking an experimental step to test her legs, but was blocked in her attempt by the fact that she was firmly shackled to a wall. She felt her skin prickle. she'd heard of eccentric, but this was ridiculous. Her head throbbed suddenly. She groaned and he looked up.
"Sarah, my dear! You're awake! How are you feeling?"
She stared at him dully, trying to reconcile the shackles, the pain, and his cheerful demeanor into something she could understand and explain.
She failed.
"My head hurts."
He beamed. "Wonderful!" He scribbled something in a notebook on the desk, and looked up frowning. "Is it a dull pain, would you say, or more of a sharp agony?"
"Dull. What the hell is going on?"
"Well, I'm researching. I have to research, you know, because my books are all a rehash of each other and I have nothing to say." For a minute, his face was that of a petulant, sulky little boy. It cleared and he smiled winningly again. "Now, shall we get started?"
____________
Exerpts from notebooks found in the basement of noted horror writer Peter Manning after his arrest and conviction for kidnapping, grevious bodily harm, and the murder of Sarah Beckworth:
"Stab wound in thigh: Copious blood. Flesh parted and gaped after withdrawal of knife. Screaming v. loud. Tightening of muscles. Subject, after prompting, reported intense pain."
"Acid applied to genital area: Smell of singed flesh w/chemical undertones. Screaming and sobbing. Subject was unable to report effect due to unconsciousness."
"Removal of all teeth with pliers: Copious blood, much screaming, fascinating whitening effect of gums after removal of teeth."
_______________
Peter Manning wrote a book from prison. It was called "Basement of Blood" and it stayed on the New York Times bestseller list for twenty weeks. Critics hailed it as a darkly poignant examination of artistic temperaments.
Peter Manning was quoted as saying "It's about time."
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-20 15:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
____________
And any sensible observer wouldn't have seen anything more. They would have been out the door and away down the street, because muttering and twitching eyelids are never a good sign.
____________
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-11-20 11:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of that episode of CSI, with the torture doctor who gets tortured to death by one of his students.
Good, though.
YOU MAKE KITTY SCARED.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it.
I just wanted to say:
NICE JORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB
Submitted by elysia (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark - Hahahahahaha*snort*
Well, yeah. There was a hate post to go with it, too! That was a good day.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Knowing you,I am assuming your wearing the -2's from this no talent hack like a badge of honor.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-11-07 14:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There sure does seem to be a bit of a herd mentality to those freethinker fellows, eh?
Anyway, i loved this post, in fact, i may have already rated, but spamming disgusts me muchly and i feel this deserves a better rating.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck the freethinkers
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SUCH A BAD POST
I mean, MY GOD, were you stoned when you wrote it?
Submitted by Socialist (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What a terrible, terrible post.
Submitted by Anarchy (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:36:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, this was very, very bad.
Submitted by Socialist (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Most deffinately not worth the +2
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not worth the plus 2 but eh
Submitted by johnson (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU ARE ONE PATHETIC LOOOSER!
Submitted by johnson (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Never attack the Freethinkers again, bitch!
Submitted by Socialist (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SUCK IT
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Submitted by scoobidydoo2003 (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a fat chick, right?
Submitted by Anarchy (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why oh why did you attack our party? Now you must be attacked!
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-11-06 21:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
NEVER CRITICIZE THE FREETHINKERS!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-06 20:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is the definition of awesome.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-06 19:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked, and wicked fun
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-05 22:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, blood lust
the beauty of the singed brow
the great flow of life
washing your soul clean
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's good to read a story about someone who takes pride in their work.
You don't see that so much these days.
Beautifully written as usual.
Horrific with just the right amount of humor.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-01 08:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Very creative.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-31 23:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww yeah.
I mean...
*points*
Look! A mathematical impossibility!
*runs away*
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-10-31 14:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-31 14:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have such a wonderfully twisted sense of humor.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-10-31 12:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Acid on the genitals? Ow. That was just wrong.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After all that I forgot to rate.
Fuck me.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:00:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
jack - HA! It's the only reasonable explanation, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 06:56:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Do you think this is how Bigmike writes his DoaM series?
Dearest Circe,
There are people who like to read about gruesome and terrifying subjects and there are people who like to watch movies about slashers and fiends and bloodthirsty killers. These people get a certain excitement out of the adrenaline rush that fear provides them.
Then there are people who become disgusted and repulsed at the idea that evil thoughts not only exist, but that there are prisons full of people willing to take those thoughts to fruition.
Additionally, there are people out there in the world RIGHT NOW that are not only thinking these thoughts, but that are actually acting them out in their own tiny little microcosm of evil, terror, and self gratification. These people have basements that have been transformed into abattoirs; dungeons for the meek and timid of the world.
Then there are people like you and me. People who can imagine these things happening, can write about them, but may never act upon them. we can SEE these things happening. We can feel the pain of the subject and the glee of the fiend. We can sense the frustration that the butcher feels when there is no suitable piece of meat to cut up.
It's either that, or you and I have basements full of body parts.
Nice job on this. I enjoyed this immensley. I could feel his madness and sense her fear. I could see it when her teeth were pulled out.
Awesome.
BM
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-10-31 09:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make me experiment in lesbianism.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-10-31 09:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Thought of Chuck Palahniuk and Bret Easton Ellis (Eaton? Can never remember.) while I read it.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-10-31 09:27:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-10-31 09:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A Job Well Done indeed.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-10-31 08:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yuch.
But good yuch.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuffo
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-31 07:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
jack - HA! It's the only reasonable explanation, isn't it?
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-10-31 06:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Do you think this is how Bigmike writes his DoaM series?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-10-31 06:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flawless victory.
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2004-10-31 06:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
That was fucking funny. I never laughed so hard in my entire life.