The Grim Reaper Tried to Take my Anal Virginity… (1643 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.42 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by harmlessness (View user info) at 2004-10-31 10:55:17 EST
Last night, I was thirsty so I went downstairs and opened the fridge. I didn't see anything that I'd normally drink, so, naturally, I began looking for something I wouldn't normally drink. I opened each drawer, scanned each shelf, and finally saw something that caught my eye.
On the white bottle, in bold, black letters, I saw the words Vicky's Medicine -- DO NOT TOUCH!!!
Vicky is my dad's ex-fiancée. She was a crack head, which is why he dumped her. She didn't ever take any of the various pills or bottles that resided in our fridge.
I grabbed the bottle, twisted the top off, and took a whiff of the contents. It smelled like Sprite: Remix. It smelled like Skittles. It smelled good.
I scanned the bottle again for dosage instructions.
ONLY CONSUME ONE TEASPOON AT A TIME.
Bottoms-up went the bottle, and I gagged. It tasted like ass. I figured that 2/3 of the bottle was equal to something close to a teaspoon. I really, really should've paid attention in math class.
I made my way back upstairs to continue watching 'The Hollow.' Good movie.
An hour or so later, the screen started flashing. The characters began speaking in what I think was Klingon. The cat began changing colors.
I began hallucinating.
What the hell did I drink?
I called Vicky and told her what happened. She told me that I'd taken roughly four hits of acid. I hung up and passed out.
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I was startled awake by a deep voice and a few taps on my shoulder.
Grim Reaper (GR): Tim... Tim... WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPY BITCH!
Me: What..? Who the hell are you?
GR: I'm the Grim Reaper, biznatch!
Me: Am I dead?
GR: Not yet. The only way you can stay alive is--
Me: How the hell am I dying?
GR: You overdosed, you dumb shit. As I was saying... The only way you can stay alive is--
He cut himself off and reached down with long, bony fingers-- down towards my ass.
Me: Is what?
GR: Sodomy.
Me: What the hell? I'm not gay. Go talk to squattail on ubersite.
GR: His ass is too loose. I got him every night for the past year.
Me: Oh... figures.
GR: Yeah, so what do you say?
Me: Uhh... No. I'd rather die.
GR: Oh, come on... Once you go Grim, you will only want him.
Me: Did you think that one up all by yourself? Or, do you have a team of writers thinking these things up?
GR: Oh, that's all me, baby.
Me: Look. I said no. It's just that simple.
His eyes began to glow a bright red color, and steam poured from his ears. He started screeching like a young girl, and his eyes began smoking.
Suddenly, his entire body combusted, and he launched himself towards me. I didn't want to catch my hair on fire, because I love my hair, so I grabbed my pillow and used it as a shield. When he hit the pillow, it caught fire as well, so I pushed it away from me. Grim went through my wall, and the house began burning. I grabbed the things that mean the most to me-- computer, stereo, DreamCast, posters, bong, cat, and dog. With my back loaded down, I stumbled down the stairs and through the rooms to my front door.
Once I got the stuff in the back of my truck, I went back in to get my dad. He was asleep, so I smacked him a few times. He woke up.
A few minutes later, as we were standing outside watching the house burn, a shrill, lisping screech emanated from the house.
"All I wanted was some butt sex! That's-- OOWWW! That's fucking HOT!"
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Happy Halloween...
User Reviews
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So if you overdose, you just keep going?
I could live forever just by using acid a couple times per day!
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha!!! This was great. Although, if it really was acid, you wouldn't have passed out. You can't sleep or loose consciousness on acid.
Not that I'd definitely know firsthand...
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-11-02 17:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-10-31 23:53:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:18:35 (#)
Ranking: -1
You don't overdose off 4 hits of acid and you certainly can't pass out on it.
------------------------------
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THIS STORY IS FALSE? MADE-UP? A FABRICATION?!
FOR SHAME! -2 DIE
---------------
HAAAHHAHAHHHA!
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-10-31 23:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:18:35 (#)
Ranking: -1
You don't overdose off 4 hits of acid and you certainly can't pass out on it.
------------------------------
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THIS STORY IS FALSE? MADE-UP? A FABRICATION?!
FOR SHAME! -2 DIE
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-31 23:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a very strange child.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-10-31 23:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sucks balls.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-10-31 20:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GR: Oh, come on... Once you go Grim, you will only want him.
Baaaahahahahhahah!
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-10-31 19:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad trip man.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-10-31 17:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What a preposterous scenario!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-31 17:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-10-31 14:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you too? wierd.
Submitted by ShatteredDreams (user info) at 2004-10-31 14:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really shouldn't pay any mind to that idiot. It's just a retaliation rating.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:18:35 (#)
Ranking: -1
You don't overdose off 4 hits of acid and you certainly can't pass out on it.
-----------------------
he's right
however, to rate the post .... +2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uhh, I don't know how you faggots do it where you live, but one hit of acid around here is more than enough to make you pass out within four hours.
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-10-31 13:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You don't overdose off 4 hits of acid and you certainly can't pass out on it.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-10-31 12:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Non-linkwhore!
Submitted by V at 2004-10-31 12:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buttsex makes baby Tim cry.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you'll only want him!!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-31 11:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I dressed up as the grim reaper for Halloween.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-31 10:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I didn't want to catch my hair on fire, because I love my hair"
A-hahahahaha!