I Punched a Six Year Old in the Face or Why I Am Going to Hell. (55386 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 161 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Apollo (View user info) at 2004-11-01 11:32:44 EST
A typical weekend of mayhem for me, living the high life, partying it up, rock 'n' roll lifestyle etc. Friday night was so wild it is untrue a Will & Grace double header and two, count 'em, two coffees! Before bed!! I mean that is wild enough but I also slept in my socks. I know what you are all thinking -this boy is a mentalist - but I would rather die than live slow.
I had to work Saturday and didn't finish until late. Some of my friends were out to dinner to celebrate Paul's birthday. I was rushing to try and meet up but didn't leave the office until gone nine. Which sucked a big fat one. With suspicious purple botches and a strange cheesy smell. Thats how much it sucked.
Fortunately most of my chums are borderline alcoholics so they wanted to go out and 'have a quick pint' first. This gave me time to meet them at the restaurant. I drove like a bat out of hell (blind, eating flies, squeaking and making lavish amounts of guano) and arrived at the place at around nine thirty. They hadn't arrived as yet so I sat at the bar and had a light aperitif. As I was polishing off the second bottle of vodka my chums arrived.
Pausing to rearrange my trousers I greeted them in the traditional manner.
"Cunts!"
"Cunt!" Came the speedy and well met response.
The waitress informed us politely that our table was ready, if we would care to go to the end of the room, turn left, go through the door marked 'Disabled Toilet' and take our seats she would be along shortly.
This was obviously some local dialectic strange use of the word 'shortly' that I was previously unaware of - it was a good hour before she returned. By this time we were getting dangerously low on alcohol and I was trying to convince the birthday boy that one can indeed get pissed by drinking vinegar. I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that pesky waitress confiscating it upon her return.
We were in a Chinese restaurant so naturally I ordered my favourite Chinese dish, I like to experiment widely with my food. When my steak sandwich arrived I tucked in voraciously for I was very hungry. It was good, much better than the steak sandwich I had in that Mexican restaurant the other day or the one from that Indian restaurant and don't even TALK to me about the sandwich from that Greek place last week.
It was a rectangular table, I was facing away from the door positioned at the edge. We were engaged in the most witty of entre-mange conversation. Bon mots were flying around and the ghost of Wilde himself was holding his sides entreating me to stop for the sake of his very health! Strangely the other diners didn't seem to share in our mirth, they were clearly unable to appreciate the high art of the conversation. In fact a gentleman across the room made the suggestion that I 'shut the fuck up' and his dining partner may have intimated that I was an 'obnoxious lout'. Philistines.
This weekend was Halloween as I am sure you all know. For most of you it's the only time you can go out with out being chased by pitch fork wielding locals isn't it? Halloween is a bit of a non-event where I live, so much so that I had forgotten about it.
So there I am conversing with my chums, minding my own business, when I hear a voice in my ear, I didn't hear what it had said. I turned my head to see from whence this voice had originated.
Bad move.
At eye level, directly in front of me, no more than two feet away, was this terrible evil face with an eyeball dangling out, blood was smeared on its grotesque visage and its hideous teeth jutted from its swollen purple lips at inventive angles.
"Aaaargh FUCK!" I screamed and lashed out.
This was a reflex action. Honestly. I had no control over it whatsoever.
I suddenly realised what the hideous monster was. It was a small boy with a mask on. He must have said 'trick or treat'. He was holding a bucket which had several coins in which were now rolling around on the floor on account of him being unconscious. Printed on the bucket was the slogan 'Cancer Research'. You see, apparently, a six foot three, two hundred pound man is more than a match for a child.
Wimp.
I had knocked out a six year old boy. A six year old boy whom was collecting for charity.
Short of ass-raping a nun while simultaneously chanting the bible backwards I am struggling to see how I can more ensure a ticket to hell when I eventually stagger of this mortal coil.
The kerfuffle that ensued was truly horrific, every woman in the place gave me the evil eye, every man pretended not to laugh. As I lifted the boy's mask from his face he came to his senses.
"Wwwwhat happened?" He said.
"Erm, well, erm you see, you erm caught me by surprise and I accidentally knocked in to you." I said.
"Punched him." Corrected the waitress, helpfully.
"Yes ,well, I see very little point in arguing about semantics." I said, trying haughter as an escape route.
"You are a dickhead." She replied, unimpressed.
I could see no valid argument against her assertion. I hope they have beer in hell.
NB : *** Only one little boy was harmed in the making of this post. I filled his bucket with lots of sympathy cash. He is expected to make a full recovery.***
User Reviews
Submitted by angrydrunk86 (user info) at 2008-09-07 12:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats funny stuff hey in your travels have you ever ass raped an 80 year old lady in a respirator, or rip the dick off of a gimpy clown. if so post it it'll kick all kinds of ass.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-07 11:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by jordangirl78 (user info) at 2007-08-29 12:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!!!!
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-22 16:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, you got a steak sandwich at an indian place? That's blasphemylicious!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-17 16:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A gem
Submitted by JediMasterJambi (user info) at 2006-09-17 16:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have much to teach us -.-
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-09-17 15:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To counter the cockmaster two below.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-16 19:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To counter the spineless little cunt below
Submitted by parzival (user info) at 2005-10-18 18:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-17 03:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good question spam.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is now MVM.
How come you never post this kind of thing anymore?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-04-04 04:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey fatty it's my birthday i'm gonna party like it's my birthday, gonna drink bacardi like it's me birthday.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 06:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I could have googled that.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 06:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a main theme right now, and am fishing ideas for subplots.
Where did "Screw your courage to the sticking place" originate?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-22 06:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do you know what? ignore that.
I'm being a total cunt today.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-22 06:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
21000 hits and B@W not enough for you apollo, you have to run this through the MRR some more?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not sure one could stretch an anecdote to 50,000 words.
Unless you were electrictoothsyndrome he thinks brevity is a type of Tea.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you be alright?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm in, but this is going to be one hell of a squeeze.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62377
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good question.
i rarely squeeze, i tend to flow.
that's why i struggle at uber madness a bit.
but some people can squeeze like itchy for example.
why you ask, have you an idea you are struggling with?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it better to have one idea, then squeeze a story out of it,
Or to have the story flow like automatic writing?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, hooker.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-22 04:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
me? a whore?
how dare you!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-22 04:38:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a blanket
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-22 04:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your a whore, upping your post like that for hits and such.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-22 04:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm cold
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-01-26 06:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good child maiming fun.
Submitted by Rotodizer (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sucks.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-11-18 05:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*smirks* there is no such place as hell...
You already live in Liverpool right? I think that's punishment enough.
Submitted by lone23star (user info) at 2004-11-09 19:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by martyn <elfboy49point7.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-11-09 18:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good story, much enjoyed, everyone enjoys hearing about beaten kids
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-11-08 19:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why, you ARE going to hell. congrats on B@W
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-11-06 12:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I was the first British person to appear on B@W. I was born and raised in Wales, not England.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34682
Submitted by Logos (user info) at 2004-11-05 21:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One more time for show, then it will be time to log off and come back when everyone has forgotten...hehe.... can anyone remember what the name of that holiday in Japan where guys in their twenties dress up to scare little kids? They get candy from the parents after they've banged on the door to scare the shit out of the little dudes, so the kids'll behave for the rest of the year. Talk about having your priorities together.
Submitted by Logos (user info) at 2004-11-05 20:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is probably agains the rules, see you in hell.
Submitted by Logos (user info) at 2004-11-05 20:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just going to keep voting for this one.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-05 16:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
muwahahahaha tell the truth boy, you spastically hit out at the child and then you got your ass repeatedly kicked by his teen mom.
Submitted by jlb392 (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you marry me?
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-11-05 11:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, very good writing techinique. Impressive.
Submitted by XiLLy (user info) at 2004-11-05 10:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, quality.
I tend to read all posts on uber in a british accent, being british and all.
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-11-05 06:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-04 22:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoa Negroe
chill.
Submitted by mcasskicker at 2004-11-04 18:16:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
APOLLO JOE IS THE STUPID SHIT THAT EVER SHITTED!!!!! WHO WILL BE SHITTING ON YOU IF YOU ARE A DICK LOL!!!111!1!!!!!!1!11!111!11111 I LOVE FUCKING GAY DOUCHE MONGERSSSSSSSZZZSSW!!!!! wqQDW!!!!! I FUCKED A NUN BECUASE I AM APOLLO JOE WHAT A FUCKER HE IS A FUCKLET AND A NIGGER NAZI!!!!11
Submitted by mcasskicker at 2004-11-04 18:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
APOLLO JOE IS THE STUPID SHIT THAT EVER SHITTED!!!!! WHO WILL BE SHITTING ON YOU IF YOU ARE A DICK LOL!!!111!1!!!!!!1!11!111!11111 I LOVE FUCKING GAY DOUCHE MONGERSSSSSSSZZZSSW!!!!! wqQDW!!!!! I FUCKED A NUN BECUASE I AM APOLLO JOE WHAT A FUCKER HE IS A FUCKLET AND A NIGGER NAZI!!!!11
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-04 16:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-04 15:00:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Someone there should have kicked your ass! retard.
Random Joe is a dick
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-04 15:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Someone there should have kicked your ass! retard.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-04 12:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by jlb392 (user info) at 2004-11-04 11:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo....I love your stories....by the way, are you single?
Submitted by ihatesomuch (user info) at 2004-11-04 01:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, hilarious! That sounds like something I'd do. Always getting in trouble inadvertently somehow. Except I wouldn't have given the fucker any cash in his bucket, the little shit should've known better than to sneak up on someone like that. Well, he definitely learned his lesson I suppose. I wouldn't be surprised if the brat turned out to be a scam artist, making some good change off of bumping into people with his cancer research bucket and pretending to get hurt. I mean, I'd almost give someone money if I beat the shit out of them accidentally for scaring me, I'd feel bad enough, almost, if I were more naive. Don't feel bad about knocking the kid to oblivion, it was an unavoidable accident obviously, reflexes are uncontrollable, and the fucker probably had it coming anyway.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2004-11-04 00:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was hilarious, and I think your writing style is great. I don't think you need to clean it up for anybody; it has a wild energy to it. Your story made me laugh out loud from start to finish. Excellent!
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-11-03 21:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid should have known not to sneak up on a drunk dude in a halloween mask.
Funny as the place you're going to.
Submitted by Jesus at 2004-11-03 21:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
roflmaol
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-03 20:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a great tie.
And post.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-03 20:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It may just be me, but I can think of a few better and more clever posts that can be put on B@W. This was still funny, though.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart has done superb on this one.... B@W! Congrats apollo.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! A first at B@W! Apollo on the billboard!
Submitted by geeohcities (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chilliwacko (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Try posting into Word before posting on here, this was enough to make an english teacher sob. Swear words don't necessarily make things funny.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did you manage the photo there apollo? I've been blowing bart for a year, with no results.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-03 18:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck. Why isn't my ugly fucking head up on B@W.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-03 16:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was the best part
"We were engaged in the most witty of entre-mange conversation. Bon mots were flying around and the ghost of Wilde himself was holding his sides entreating me to stop for the sake of his very health!"
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-11-03 15:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice one, I fucking hate kids
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-11-03 12:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-03 11:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'every man pretended not to laugh'
classic, so standard
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-02 23:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@Whore.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-02 23:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-11-02 23:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't even amusing... and you got your picture on B@W with this?
Sorry man... but I've read much better on Uber lately.
Submitted by Timski <nah> at 2004-11-02 22:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure... Gold... You my friend are the man and kicker of all 6 year old ass
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-02 18:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by YourMom <your.at.mom.com> at 2004-11-02 17:43:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
Honestly, this read like some retarded Dutchman wrote it, with english being his fourth language. I have no idea why this was on B@W. Thanks for taking 3 minutes of my life that I'll never get back."
Seeing as you're wasting your day away on the internet, I don't think that 3 minutes was worth much anyways.
Submitted by Helpertin <me.at.fake.com> at 2004-11-02 18:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You chose too read it... you wasted your own time.
Submitted by YourMom <your.at.mom.com> at 2004-11-02 17:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Honestly, this read like some retarded Dutchman wrote it, with english being his fourth language. I have no idea why this was on B@W. Thanks for taking 3 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey, what a turn up!!
have i woken up in a different universe??
does the photo come in a collector card version????
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pausing to rearrange my trousers, I greeted them in the traditional manner.
had to read this again - for some reason, this line is the funniest thing I've ever read.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, Apollo, I thought you had retired from this site because of "assholes like me" ...but this wasn't too bad. I don't like kids nor fucking Halloween.
But now, admit that you lied in that other post.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on b@w
-Davros
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Err...sorry Apollo. Your first post back and I'm already lowering its rating by posting dirty links on it.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-02 14:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm, chuckle-worthy.
Submitted by hopex (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish there was a higher rating than +2. HIL-AR-RIOUS!
Submitted by El_Weasel (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, just wow.
i expected nothing less of course though.
kick ass post
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-02 11:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W YO YO!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 11:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyRedShirt (user info) at 2004-11-02 05:38:43 (#)
Ranking: -1
OKAY, I admit i didn't even read the top messege. But i did mannage to click on the S.K.A.T. link.
That shit is disgusting. """
Wanker.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W is awesome.
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50319 <---Most beautiful girl EVAR
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost makes up for your absence on Saturday...
Almost.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:15:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it a lot. Damn us British folks are funny.
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bored at work! congrats.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-02 08:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing is better than this.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 07:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice one itchy!!
Flattery will get you everywhere!
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-11-02 07:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great day in the morning.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-02 07:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ha.
ha.
Wheeeeew. Just checked B@W and dear GOD is that funny! Congrats mighty apollo! Your premier on that vaunted site has eclipsed any that have gone before you, thanks in large part to your dashing good looks. Normally Bart tries to downplay the general unsightliness of Uber denizens, and for good reason. Thanks for putting a pretty face on this little hole in the internet.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-02 06:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You see, apparently, a six foot three, two hundred pound man is more than a match for a child.
Wimp.
Dog's bollocks.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-11-02 05:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You asshole.
Submitted by JonnyRedShirt (user info) at 2004-11-02 05:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
OKAY, I admit i didn't even read the top messege. But i did mannage to click on the S.K.A.T. link.
That shit is disgusting.
Submitted by Scatmen should die at 2004-11-02 05:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written, but lacking in content.
Btw... AAAAAAHH SCATMEN!!!
Fuck i cant beleive i went there....
thanks a lot man...
just when i had gotten over www.shit.com
I wont be sleeping tonight
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 05:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why no sleep?
That can't be good!
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-02 04:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, sorry old chum.
i haven't slept in days, so i'm a bit delerious and have gone a little crazy on uber the past hour or so.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 04:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wiggles you deviant! Save those links for Shandy!
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-02 04:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good old Bart.
Now if only I can get him to put my illustrated version of Apollo onto B@W.
Speaking of that illustration...
Here's a little website with which you can celebrate! (VERY VERY VERY VERY NSFW!)
http://www.scatmen.com/
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-02 04:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus, that was hilarious.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
you fat scouse cunt!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking rights. First time I've laughed my ass off just by going to the B@W homepage.
That's awesome.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It's been a long time coming.
Now you're going to pass me in hits again, you bastard.
I nominated you, too. I'm just glad I didn't get my mug put up there.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Congratulations Apollo!
It's about time too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't e-mail him! honest!
I have of course whored myself out continualy on uberboard losing all scraps of dignity but i didn't think he would do that!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahaaa
Child beater!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahaah you stupid fuck, i can just picture the email you sent bart
"Please put this post, along with my photo, on B@W A.S.A.P"
didnt think hed actually do it, did you?
congrats
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to thank God, my agent and Bart without them none of this would be possible.
You see when i was a little girl I dreamed of B@W but this is just...just.... <breaks down into sobs>....incredible...!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How the hell did you do that?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my god. Have you seen B@W???
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I so nearly choked on my coffee when I saw that!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, how the fuck did you get your picture on B@W too?
Submitted by piemaniv (user info) at 2004-11-01 22:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha little barstard deserved it.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-01 21:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cunt!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-01 21:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhahha
awesomeness
"A typical weekend of mayhem for me, living the high life, partying it up, rock 'n' roll lifestyle etc. Friday night was so wild it is untrue a Will & Grace double header and two, count 'em, two coffees! Before bed!! I mean that is wild enough but I also slept in my socks. I know what you are all thinking -this boy is a mentalist - but I would rather die than live slow."
oh yaeh? you think YOU're wild!? punK!:
Istaros: i got
Istaros: grape soda
Istaros: and
-x-: not vodka i hope
Istaros: pumpkin(???) flavored ice cream... ok these people are weird
Istaros: but the real question is
Istaros: dare i mix them
Istaros: am i hardcore enough for that
Istaros: mixing the artificial flavors of a fruit and a squash is hardcore
-x-: oh lord
Istaros: dangerously hardcorE
Istaros: !!!
Istaros: ok im going to shove these fuckers together
Istaros: i hope i dont pass out form the hardcoreness of it all
-x-: oh youre so cool
Istaros: babe i make the fonz look like a dweeb
Istaros: well i guess thats not so hard
-x-: hahahahaha
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-11-01 20:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on Caul, give WillZone a break. He's a comedian. Showing some sense of humor on Uber would be like work.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-01 20:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed, best apollo post.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-11-01 19:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best apollo post ever
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-01 18:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted to B@W
Personally, there are quite a few posts of yours that I enjoy more, but this one is perhaps most suited for B@W.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-11-01 18:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-11-01 18:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I drove like a bat out of hell (blind, eating flies, squeaking and making lavish amounts of guano)"
That's a +2 right there.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
dumb
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cunt
Submitted by Staccers (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For the love of all things british:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50137
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50209
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i concur... B@W
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is so weird to think about the fact that you are winding up your day as I come in to work, and starting it anew as I leave.
You don't sleep much, do you?
cough B@W cough.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About time you came back.
+2 for "kerfuffle"
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it could happen
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
took you long enough.
Submitted by Fetish's gay lover at 2004-11-01 16:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus fucking christ!
I REALLY hate this limey bastard
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes I have come crawling out of retirement.
Sorry Will but you had the improvresource outlet I had none.
I tried pulse but it was just so damn unreliable and dry.
Thanks for the (mostly) positive replies chaps and you will be please to hear (i hope) that I have a new mind set now ref. uber politik.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-01 15:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kerfuffle is the best damn word ever for crying out loud.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the whole post with a British accent, and it made it all the more hysterical.
-----
The first eight words of this post with a British accent...and I giggled all the more.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bon mots were flying around and the ghost of Wilde himself was holding his sides entreating me to stop for the sake of his very health!
clever
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Fucking british people with your bad teeth and love of fish
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you have a nice style of writing
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I drove like a bat out of hell (blind, eating flies, squeaking and making lavish amounts of guano)..."
Ahahahahahaha
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
Well put, Caul.
Rate the post, not the poster.
I submitted this to B@W.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok - I tried it again with a British accent... +2
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the whole post with a British accent, and it made it all the more hysterical.
------------------------
Hahahaha, I always read Apollo's posts with the accent.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you didn't leave forever.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the whole post with a British accent, and it made it all the more hysterical.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:43:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
a zero for coming out of retirement.
it was a +2 worthy story though.
----------------------------------------
This guy is such a tool. He pulls out more little stupid "rules" out of his ass than he eats cupcakes. And from his picture, that means a lot.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hoy hoy hoy hoy oh oy boy
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sneaky little bastards those 6 year olds...all too damn short
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
a zero for coming out of retirement.
it was a +2 worthy story though.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scott James got B@W.
Submitted by FreshPrince <At school> at 2004-11-01 12:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, go apollo!
Submitted by kwame_johnson (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:05:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W?
___________________________________
Silly Phinch, English folk don't get on B@W.
As if!!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-01 12:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look on the bright side. I bet they have great steak sandwich's in Hell.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steak sandwiches from around the world.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm surprised you lasted over a month and a half!
+2 for being back.
Now I will read.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn kids with cancer...LET ME EAT MY MEAL IN PEACE! I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL!
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heheheheheheh
funny shit dude.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost fell off my chair!!
Submitted by Jabba_the_Shit (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome....and now--
http://www.freeiPods.com/default.aspx?referer=11320406 <== I already got an iPod, now I want a mini. You just have to use the loophole--bail out on the stupid offer they make you sign up for as soon as you get your iPod, hahahahhaahaa
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
das bitter män iz back!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Badlands. I'm hell-bound for sure for laughing hysterically at this.
Thanks for that.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
class
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A post on Uber? Is this a one off special or have you returned from the dark place with horribly coloured text?
Awesome as ever.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is my vision of hell the best barroom ever, but I have no money?
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody Typical.
I'm surprised you didn't nick off with his cash. You are a scouser after all...
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny stuff...
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Short of ass-raping a nun while simultaneously chanting the bible backwards I am struggling to see how I can more ensure a ticket to hell when I eventually stagger of this mortal coil.
-----
BUAHAHAHA!! I'm sure I'll e sitting right next you for laughing out loud at this.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I mean that is wild enough but I also slept in my socks."
Bahahaaha!
It's cool that you're posting again.